Yesterdays Pictures Are Old News

So, I read the post for this the other day and decided I needed time to think about what I was going to write. I didn't. So this is what it is, as it comes to me, with little thought beforehand.

Moods: I always act happy, even if I am not. Lately, I have been truly happy with my life though, so that's a good thing :)  Jeeze this is sounding so general...lets see here....

When I am with my friends I am very loud, open, happy, weird, random, and crazy. I dance, I sing obnoxoiusly, I laugh too loud, and do random things for no reason. When I am with people I am not comfertable around (everyone that isnt my friend, basically, including family) I am shy. I am quieter and unsure of myself and I doubt myself. I have tons of self confidence when I'm around certain people but then I'm around someone else and I hate everything about myself. Talk about variety :)

When I get sad or upset I usually turn that into anger or apathy. If it turns into anger there's probably a lot of yelling. I argue with my family all the time, I rarely argue with my friends. I don't like arguing with my friends becuase I despise drama and whatever, but with family for some reason its different. If it turns to apathy, well that's a really bad thing. I end up shutting myself off from people around me, but at the same time, I act like nothing is wrong. I can smile in the worst of moods. I also hate crying. I rarely cry, even when I am sad and alone I cant cry, and sometimes, thats worse than crying. I'd like to think I've gotten a lot better at showing my true emotions though.

I'm not exactly a nerous person, but I'm not exactly chill either. I'm a weird combination of the two. I mean, I have a pretty laid back personality but at the same time I get nervous about the smallest things like using the telephone (i hate phones) showing up to a party or someones house alone (i'd rather go with a friend, i hate going alone), and doing group projects (people i dont know! AH!).  I recently gave blood for the first time and I was a little nervous, but barely. I didnt think it was too noticable but the guy who was taking my blood kept asking if I was okay even as I was leaving, I told a the lady I babysit for and she said that she thinks I'm very laid back but to people who dont know me its probably misconstrued as are most of my emotions. I came to the realization that that is quite a true statment.

People tend to not be able to read my sarcasm (if im being sarcastic) or take things I say much to seriously. I often worry about if I'm portraying what I mean the right way and my mind is constantly full of thoughts on how to make my thoughts easier to convey to other people. People never know what I mean, I am a very confusing person. I'm sorry!

Habits: We can start with the obvious one, I bite and pick at my nails nonestop. They're barely there, they bleed once and a while, and they're too small to put fingernail polish one without covering the whole tip of my finger. I've always been sort of fidgety like that I guess. I used to chew on long sleeves whenever I wore them when I was in elementry school. One day my gym teacher noticed and pointed it out and I got very embarassed. I dont remember doing it after that, but I might have.

I tend to over or under analyze every single aspect of my life. I push back things I dont want to think about like college or a job or what Im going to do with the rest of my life, I put of taking drivers ed a year or 2 and even now I have two more lessons and the test. I have to take the test by September 19th and I probably should have already scheduled it. I focus so much on my day to day, month to month, near future life so that I dont have to think about the future.

I also have a habit of doing whatever to make myself happy. See, that probably seems like a great way to live life, just living it, but its not. I do it becuase I'm scared of the future and being unhappy. I spend time on the computer, take pictures, write, play around with stupid toys, watch tv, listen to music, go to concerts, read unneccarry books, walk around, talk to friends, and the list goes on and none of it is going to help me in the long run becuase although I focus on school work I dont do good enough to get accepted into a decent college and I'm not going right away anyways.

I am incredibly indecisive, its not fair. I bought a new laptop yesterday for $150 (its value is more in the $2000 range I've heard) and for some reason I couldnt decide if it was worth it. I mean, I knew it was a great deal, my other computer is slowly dying, and this one is really nice but for some reason I still felt bad buying it. I have major buyers remorse.

I'm not feeling that any of this is making sense, but maybe it is, who knows? This is what I know, its very scrambled but thats me!

Woah, why the hell didnt I know there was a new Kill Hannah cd out?
Like that doesnt even make sense, I thought I had them added on myspace cuz I knew about the upcoming tour, but I guess thats becuase I have The Medic Droid added, but either way, I needa go get that cd sometime soon.

ps. Long Promised Road by the Beach Boys (and covered by EOTC) is basically the best lyrics ever written, you wont top it, dont try!

pps. Okay try, that was much harsher than I meant it to be, if you try to top it chances are something amazing will come of it, I'm just saying that nothing will be better. :)

K, so personally I think it sounds like Im on acid (im not) I havent written a poem in forever and this suddenly came pouring out as I am watching Running With Scissors. It took about 5 mins but Im sure I'll change bits here and there. I also will probably try to create a picture to go along with it. Its currently untitled as well.  Also, I'm not much in the mood for puncutation so woohoo for creative freedom.

Diving off the dep end into insanity
Sinking in ridiculous thoughts to cover up the craziness
Splashing away sorrow and repressed anger
Swallow the nicotine lies
Drunken unconciousness until another day
Waiting until its too late
And watching the pressure gauge explode
Who is breathing anyway?
Its all reused air
Of all things to recycle
Something that is brand new
Life is recycled
            Thoughts
             Dreams
     and Body  parts
Do you recognize your face in mine
Do you see yourself drowning with me
Water melting your skin into a softness
Easier to tear it apart
Chlorine stinging your insides
Fish swim through your blood stream
An electric eel to SHOCK your mind
A jold of change to wake you up
From your unconciousness walk through this planet
Wander sleepily down a path leading to destruction
You wonder why I jump into insanity
When I cant even begin to swim
But anything's better than this razorblade grass

WARNING: I am not very boy crazy, but i just saw the most amazing guy in the world so this is very very very obsessivly boy crazy. you might just lose any respect you had for me.

i was just at walmart with katie
and i saw the most cute hot sexy gorgeous guy in the world!
like seriously, hotter than gerard way, hotter than ryan, cuter than sal and cuter than patrick stump, i want to touch him i want to have sex with him i want him so bad he was so fucking attractive you dont even know i have never seen a more attractive person than him in my life!

he was tall and emo and wearing a blue "sky eats airplane" shirt and had black hair and a a white hat on with blue stripes on and he had a nice face, a hot face that was fucking hot and a lil 5 clock shadow almost goin on but he pulled it off and snakebite studs and dark eyes and omfg i want him sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
bad. i tried to take a picture as we were driving away and i couldnt
he was hot i want him i want him i want him i have never wanted anything more
every other guy i see in the rest of my life will be a disappointment. i would rather touch him than go to another concert for the rest of my life

i dont think you will ever know how BEAUTIFUL this guy was unles you could actually see him. i want him bad. i hope hes at warped tour.

(i wanna) FUCK (him).

Love Struck,
Rhianna O'Shea
♥ ♥ &hearts

ps. i dont think i have ever been more crazy about a guy hahahaha. ohmygod i've been talking about him since we got home. i want him so bad. i'd buzz him. id fuck him. ohmygod i sound like a fan girl about a guy at walmart
shit if i could buy him i would. iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii need him. you dont even get it. i wish i could have him. i wish you could see him. i want him so bad. seriously, i didnt even know anything this good was possible!

wow.

1)   Bohemian Raphosedy - Queen
No matter what hour of the day this song comes on I have to turn it up as loud as possible, I have to sing and dance along, and I can never skip it. It is the most magical song on earth.

2)   Love Me Dead - Ludo
I love this song. Its so loud and obnoxious and fun. I love singing it in the car in the middle of the night with Erica. It's a great song to get out anger, or love in. haha

3)   Another One Bites The Dust - Queen
Yes. Two Queen songs. Basically, every Queen song. Freddy Mercury=Jesus.

4)   Admit It! - Say Anything
Actually this song can get me in a pretty cynical mood, but I love it. It's pretty fun to 'angrily' say with Heidi and other friends. Nice.

5)   Capital H - Motion City Soundtrack
Always good for a pick-me-up. It's so like, BAM. haha, BAM is not really the way to describe this song, but at the same time it is.

6)   Skinned - Blind Melon
Aah, okay, I seriously reccomend finding this song and listening to it. You will know instantly why(if you listen to the lyrics) basically it combines the whole Ed Gein(and others) fiasco with not knowing who you are... it's truly awesome and funny but it sounds great.

7)   Hakuna Matata - The Lion King soundtrack
The Lion King is my favorite movie ever in the whold wide world, and I live by those words :) This is a great song that is so fun to start singing. I like to sing loudly "When I was a young warthog..." and my friends tend to respond with, "When he was a young wart hooooog!" and then we burst into song....its really quite amazing.

8) Numb - Ben Lee
Okay, so most Ben Lee songs can make me happy at anytime...but this one in particular speaks to me. The video for it is great, and it's about originality and just being who you are. I love it, I love what it means, I love him, I love you!

9) Add It Up - Violent Femmes
Okay, so this song is tied to a lot of (random)memories. My dad use to sing parts of it all the time when I was younger randomly. A few years ago I refound the cd and became obsessed for a while, then we saw em at Summerfest and my friends and I danced on tables in back with all the drunk adults, it was GREAT. I love singing along. I love them.

10) CCC Cinnamon Lips - OkGo
Ever since Lollapalooza 05 I fell in love with OkGo and this is a great song. Tims voice, ah MMMM. haha, oh and I'm just gonna combine this with Women & Men by OkGo cuz its hilarious.

11) People Who Died - The Jim Carrol Band
Its about death..but its lighthearted and funny

12) So Purple It's Kush - Rawflcopter
Uhmn, just listen to the song kay? kay.

These are all pretty fun songs...yes. Tag yourself if ya feel like it!

im arranging a show with them and another band in oconomowoc for really cheap

omg i love them. im so excited!

prefix: I do not officially have any mental issues, I have not been determined 'medically depressed' or anything like that.

Depression/Friendship
I was always a seemingly normal kid, I guess. What is normal? In middleschool I struggled to fit it and be who people wanted me to be (to a point), in the beginning of highschool I had a lot of small friendship issues. I was never one for fighting but I didn't know where I fit in best. The end of freshman year I got rather depressed. I have already mentioned my eating issues from May 06 to June 07, but that goes along with this, the combination of that and the rest of life lead to a lot more depressiong. I had common thoughts of killing myself and hurting myself and wrote some very morbid poetry.

Exteme/Addictions
I have a very addictive personality, I do everything either all or nothing. I was all out depressed. In August 06 my mom tried to send me to Rogers Memorial Hospital if I didnt start eating right and stuff...so I didnt let her catch me in the act. I was secretly depressed for over a year. I don't like to bring people down, people tell me all the time, that I'm the person they go to when they need to be cheered up, that I'm the one that can make them laugh when they're in the worst mood ever. I want to be that way, and in that, I went overbored and rarely show when I am sad. I can act happy at school and then go home and just sit in my room. I can be in the worst mood of my life and not cry. I rarely cry.

Ignorance
I tend to ignore my problems. I am currently ignoring the fact that next year is my last year of high school, it doesnt look like Im going to college(at least not right away), and I dont know what I'm doing in any matter of the rest of my life.

Fear
I am antiscocial, socially anxious, afraid of people. It doesnt seem like it, I know. But rarely can I go up to someone and start a conversation. I hate group projects with people I dont know, I used to be unsure of myself crossing the street so I wouldnt walk anywhere, I have issues meeting new people I get very shy, I mumble, stutter, talk to fast/slow, and look down during presentations, I dont think Im good enough. I hate walking alone on the street and passing anyone (especially other teenagers) for no reason at all. I have issues with eye contact even with my best friends. I dont know why. I cant get a real job becuase I would have to work with people(i currently babysit for one family) I am generally nervous around people. I'm working on all of these things.

Love/Hate
I have a love-hate relationship with myself. I never think I am good enough or right, but over the last year I have gotten a lot better about it. As strange as it sounds(maybe it doesnt sound strange, but it does for me) I think that when I finally got a boyfriend (5 months ago, broke up 2 weeks ago) it did a lot for my self esteem (which has always been low).  I think that I felt like I was actually good enough for once. The fact that one person could like me lead to the conclusion that more people would like me. He broke up with me 2 weeks ago, the first week was hard, the second week got me over it. I realize that he didnt give me confidence, that I gave myself confidence with a little bit of help. I know that I am good enough, I realize how stupid I was.  

Bipolar
I can go from happy to sad in 15 seconds. I fight with my family a lot and hate my brother. I never fight with/ start conflict with my friends and love them all to death. I never know if I'm truly happy or honestly sad.

Overthinking
Sometimes my thoughts drowned out reality. I talk to my friends and people who I know when they arent there (i realize they arent there but it comferts me) I talk to celebrities I will never meet, yes I am basically saying I talk to myself. I think way too much. I will overthink a person that passes me on the street, I will overthink the smallest detail and wish I did thinks differently that dont really matter. If I'm not overthinking small things I'm underthinking something huge.

In conclusion: I have a lot going on in my head. I'm not sure if this journal did it justice, but it's all I can think to write right now. I have overcome a lot, mentally, and I plan on getting things straightened out slowly. I have gone from depressed, sitting in my room, wishing I could cry to get my emotions out to being happy. I can honestly say I'm pretty happy even though shitty things happen. I'm happy with who I've become.

I found this group /it was started at a great time for me. I kinda am lakdfja;l about this part, but at the same time I want to, it's good to get this shit out there. If you're looking at this, I suggest checking out the group as well. Here it goes....

 
That's my face, yes, but what I want to focus on from this picture is my eyes. I like my eyes. They're the one thing on my face I'm completly okay with. They're blue, they get very very blue depending on the weather, my allergies, what I'm wearing, if I've been crying, the lighting, etc. Lots of people compliment my eyes and I really just like them a lot. Another plus is I like to see, I love colors and words and pictures and everything my eyes help me do.

 My Hair. I got lots of it. Until the end of freshman year (roughly 2-3 years ago) i had long thick hair, then i cut it short and have kept it a medium length since. My hair goes through times when its extremely greasy or gross feeling and I don't know why. Its rare that I get it to look the way I want it too, but its in pretty good condition overall (considering how much I dye it, but never bleach it). I always wish I had cooler hair.

 
Got your nose. I'm actually okay with my nose too. hah. I like the freckles I have on my nose, I dont like the acne I get around my nose...or anywhere else on my face for that matter haha. I like the shape of my nose though, its not overly or underly defined. weird.

 
Okay. So my mouth. I dislike it strongly. In the beginning of 7th grade I got in a bike accident (down a hill, turned a corner, flew over an electrical box hidden in the grass, smashed my face, the end.) as a result my lip got fucked up. So ya know how your upper lip kinda goes down in the middle, mine has been shifted to the side and it really annoys me, it makes my smile look akward and it is weird. Also, as a result, one of my front teeth had to be replaced with a fake one beucase, well, the other one is gone heh. It's just weird. Also my teeth are not as white as they could be. I drink too much soda im sure. Also my mouth causes me to be far louder than I should. I have a definite volume control problem.

My neck/chest area is very blah. You see pictures of people with nice, defined collar bones and such, Im just kinda like blehg;lakrjf in that area. My chine is annoying but it kinda fits my face well I suppose (although I could do without the slight double). My neck is too thick and my shoulders are weird (plus I have annoying shoulder acne which makes it unenjoyable to wear certin shirts).

 
Ugh, this is the part I was least looking forward too, but here we go. The first picture is a page out of my old notebook from 2 summers ago. Here is where some explaining is needed. From around May 2006 to June 2007 I was very depressed and personally destructive. I went through a somewhat ana phase where I would go up to 7 days without eating (i always tried to go more) This is a page from the journal I kept that was supposed to 'help me' not eat. Fucked Up, I know. But It leads me to my second picture, that area between my neck and legs...I just dont like it. I weigh far too much but Since June 2007 til now (and I will continue) I have decided to take a healthier approach. Not so much trying to lose weight (although i do want to) as being okay with the way I look. I am not extremely obese or anything I'm just bigger than I'd like to be. Rather than being between size 12 and 14 I would perfer to be a few sizes smaller. If that doesnt happen, I'm fine with it. I will hopefully not be this unproportional forever though, becuase my boobs are rather small in comparison to the rest of me. (no more boob talk haha thats akward)

My arms are okay, they're rather boring, very weak though. They also seem to be way hairier than they need to be, which sucks, but they connect me to my hands....so on to my hands...haha.

Okay, so thats my hand (to be specific my right hand). I'm not to sure about the physical appearance of my hands, they're average hands I guess. My fingers are fat and due to excessive nail biting /picking at I have very very short nails so I cant really paint them cool. However I love my hands beucase they lead me to do my favorite things; click the shudder on my camera, turn on music, write, hold hands, make peace signs, flip people off, feel, type, draw, paint, etc. My hands help me live and I would be lost without them :D

My legs and feet. My legs are pretty okay, the top of them, i guess my thighs actually, are rather thick and annoying. My knees are average knees, just kind of there. I hate shaving my legs, its such a hassle, but I do anyway beucase duh hairy legs are annoying. My feet are pretty okay. My toes are strange, but I think everohnes are. The bottoms of my feet are very rough becuase I prefer to walk around without shoes in. My feet help me get places and I very much like to walk around so I enjoy that.

Overall, I'm pretty okay with the way I look. Basically, I would like to change my midsection/weight/pants size but whatever. I'm okay with who I am and realize that looks arent everything. This is me, my body is just the container for whats inside; my heart, my brain, my attitude and personality, and my lungs (I enjoy breathing even if i am still slightly asthmetic)

Check out the group.

It has been an interesting year this year, and I do believe it has been good. I have changed so much as a person and although I hate change, this is okay. I have become closer to so many people and I wouldnt change a thing about what has happened. The things I'll never forget may seem insignificant, but they're what I want to and always will remember (whether for good or bad reasons, but i wouldnt have it any other way.)

• Meeting and getting to know lots of people I had never talked to before. Mariah, Amanduh, Haley etc. (even if i dont talk to you kids that much i still kinda did!)
• Semester 1, Block D, US History. Best group of people ever! Watching Ryan laugh at people dying, us bugging Mr Hayes, lighting Ians big head on fire, and all that jazz. I dont know how I passed. "Rhianna, Stop making noises!"  - "I only made ONE!"
• Term 1, Block B, Photography. I met Miriam my black hooker friend! And Morgan Tell McKenzie Shannon, how I love him, and hanging out with AJ, Travis, and even Peggy! awsies I miss those kids, I miss watching half the class soliderboy-ing in the dark room and listening to colbie callet and dashboard confessional and whatever else came on.
• Drivers Ed. Our class of 4. Hating Tim. Being weird. Stealing that kids bike!
• Cassi visiting. That was the last time I hung out with Cassi and Stephanie. I miss it a lot.
• My Halloween Party at teh schoolhouse. Yea, it was my first year not trick or treating but it was magical and the turnout was amazing
• The Thanksgiving Party. Again, it was amazing, plus we all go to experiance the first snowfall of the season together (and nikki and i got locked out haaa)
• Singing Even If It Kills Me off of the bridge one cold winter tonight, Nikki, Erica, and I put our heart and soul into that 'performance' over the freezing water but it was such an inspiring moment of growing up. I dont know.
• Getting to know Lemke and Eric etc. Its nice to make new friends.
• Newspaper. Getting to know each of those kids was amazing. Lauder and Katie from the start, Cody K and Peter most of the time, and now even Cody M and Jake. I love it, i love it i love it, we never do anything!
• The Lunch Time Bandits. We had lots of fun singing and such, I'll miss Crystal so much! and as akward as it is i love the like a vagina jokes and all the other perverted things we've said
• My first boyfriend. My first kiss. My firsts bla bla bla. It was a fun 4 and a half months. My first break up.
• Overcomming my worst habits and fears
• Being happy
• Writing lots of 'good' articles for the paper and entries for Epiphanies. Its strange how proud of that stuff I am
• Miss Bella's death. I will never forget her, or the week our school was beautiful
• 12 oclock shoot out. our school was such a frenzy it was ridiculous
• Gonorehha on the keyboards and clamedia on the bathroom passes and how big of a deal passports were
• the nonestop construction and how fucked up it is that we're used to it by now
• Envy on the Coast with Andi. possibly one of the best days of my life.
• lots of other concerts
• The first time I skipped. Skipped dance with Erica, I apologized to Mrs Sindberg haha.
• Skipping school with Andi Erica Sarah Nikki Anthony and Miriam to go to the zoo. Way to attempt to relive our childhood. it was so fun i dont even know what to do
• The chicken wars. you kids crack me up. i love you so much.
• Entreprenurship. nuf said
• Dance with Erica. Its strange we actually had a pretty good class. but i'll never forget how hot the guy in dirty dancing is (and how i want to have hot dirrty sexxx with him ahaha)
• where did you get the money for a tie?
• get outta my house!
• thats not all but thats all ima write here for now

thanks for having, what i think has been my best year thus far. really, its been special.

The Week Our School Was Beautiful

Millions of colors
Flowers smelling bittersweet
Out of tradgedy comes togetherness
Cry on my shoulder, I'll cry on yours

Weak smiles meaning the world
Comforting glances holding our heads up
Looking ahead
Honoring the past
Loving what we have
Missing what we had

A genuine smile at the hardest of times
A bright smile in the darkest of lights
Helping us all
Helping eachother
Help us live

Becuase living is taken for granted
Until a tradgedy such as this occurs
And we feel it in our gut
Our hearts
One heart
Stops forever
Hundreds of other in the moment
Until we regain concoiusness
And try to breath again

The flowers start to disappear
The glances become less frequent
And kindness fades away
A week of honor comes and goes
The memory never passes

The Academy Is...

Classic Crime

Cobra Starship

The Color Fred 

Family Force 5

From First to Last

Greeley Estates 

Gym Class Heroes

Ludo

Motion City Soundtrack

Say Anything

We The Kings

So last night I had a strange, very long, dream that goes as follows;

It started out with my sister, Leah, and I watching tv in the living room when we saw a light on the ground, coming from outside. We peeked out the window and there were like three guy stalking us and my brother, Robert. So we snuck outside and my dad starts driving us away in the car becuase they're stalking us or something. We went to like, Blockbuster area to get food and then left and they were still following us. We drove to a grocery store on Blumound I think, and we walked around in there to get food because we needed to hide out for a while. We left through the back exit, even though our car was parked out front. There was a lot of traffic.

Sometime while waiting in traffic it was turned into Nikki, Andi, Jenny, and I (with Sarah and Erica sometimes there) sitting in a van escaping. We finally got out of the parking lot and I mentioned Walgreens and so I was in a Walgreens with Jessica and she was sticking a pen in the ceiling and hanging stuff from the bent cap. Then my friends grabbed me and we were back on the road.

We ended up at a hotel that was connected to a mall that has been in one of my previous dreams forever ago. We rented a room on the third floor and locked ourselves in. While looking out the peephole, to make sure the guys werent following us, I saw a bunch of lights coming from the elevator and a bunch of 'fashionable' people walking out...followed by Tyra Banks....yea. So they were doing a photoshoot or something in the hallway or entire hotel/mall and their room was right near ours. We decided we needed food so we made sure the coast was clear and we went down the elevator to the mall. It was full of regular mall stores and we were just gonna look around a bit becuase we assumed the guys didnt know where we were.  We were on the first story of the mall and had barely looked at anything or gone anywhere when we saw the guys on the second floor. We didnt know if they saw us or not so we started hiding in racks while running for the elevator. I hoped that they wouldnt make it to the opening of the elevator on our floor before we did. We got in the elevator and I was expecting them to jump out at any second. They didnt.

We got back to our floor and somehow I was alone, like my friends must have gone a different way. First thing walking out of the elevator was a little room with curtains and a chick was in there preparing for a shoot er soemthing, she had a small dog with her. I told her the situation and she let me hide back there waiting for my friends. After a few moments I saw my friends turn the corner and start approaching so I came out and we all ran into our room. The hallway was empty. All of the sudden I heard a twisting of the door knob, like someone was trying to break in. Nikki looked through the peephole thing and lit the doorhandle of fire so the heat would transfer to the otherside and the person's hand would get burned. I looked through the door and realized that it was just the girls dog nipping at a string attatched to the card slot thing. I told Nikki, but she continued to do it anyway and I could see the string catching fire and hurting the dog but she wouldnt stop.

Then I woke up.

I haven't been surrounded by and apart of so much drama for a long time. My friends and I are usually pretty good with eachother...that has not lately been the case and definetly not tonight.

My first boyfriend just broke up with on Saturday night. Online, hasnt talked to me in person about it, half the time acts like he wants to be friends the other half he is avoiding me. I gave him back his hoodie he gave me tonight.

2 of my best friends who had been together for a very long time broke up a few weeks ago and its been hard on them both

2 of my best friends have been fighting and have both given up on frienship

one of my friends likes to lecture everyone and is very opinionated, but wont let others voice their own opinion and we're all getting fed up with it

and theres more, but its useless to get into all of it.

tonight about half of those things were confronted and it only lead to quietness, tears, yelling, whatever else you want to call it. everyones pissed. everyones uptight and im currently arguing with anthony on messenger becuase hes pissed that i want to talk to him but cant talk about serious stuff surrounded by people.

this year was so good up until the time miss bella died, then everything snowballed and everything is piling up and its seems like its not even worth it to try anymore becuase it seems like nothing matters

i hate this, and even though i realize we truly are all in this together. i feel way too alone.

i duno what to say about him anymore

he goes from asking if i like freeking mudkipz

to trying to make me feel better...and its working a little

of all the things people have said today(from the lady i bbyst for suspecting hes gay, my mom saying i deserve better, to dylan and mason calling him a little bitch) aaron actually helped

ah im confused.