April 30, 2008This last week...Let me start with these two things about me: Those two things make up a huge part of who I am. Today was the first time I left home without my camera. But it didn't need to be there. To make up for lack of camera I must write. So here it goes... Miss Bella. Looking at the differences between freshman year and junior year the school is a different place. It started out cold. It was a school. Administraters were adminsistraters...This year there was an obvious change. Miss Bella was so much more than a teacher or administrator. She was a friend, a parent, and teacher, for all of us. The day she died seems ironic to me now. It was the Day of Silence. Think about how many students had the opportunity to talk to her and didnt that day(but she supported it). I saw Frau Wochenski at school that day and noticed she was pregnant(i put it "she looks about as far along as Miss Bella). I saw Beau on the way home from school and freeked out cuz hes awesome and was like "yay i got to see two people i never see! This is the best day ever" When I got home I went to Best Buy with my mom and baught a Billy Talent and Ben Lee cd. I argued with my mom most of the way home....She said I needed to stop arguing with her becuase its hard for her to drive in the rain and we were going to get in an accident. In my head I seceretly thought to myself [fine with me] I'm an asshole. As soon as I got home, Nikki told me. I told my dad and he thought I was kidding. It got much more real. I cried all day Monday. I was quiet Tuesday. I almost cried a few times today...and then cried the whole time at the funeral. That was not her in the coffin. It looked nothing like her. Not a damn thing like her. That was not Miss Bella. I knew I shouldnt have looked at it, I will never forget it. I stared at it and thought there would be another coffin that actually had HER in it. I know realize I didnt see the baby's coffin. After I saw what was supposed to be Miss Bella I freeked out and didnt see anything til we were at the door and Andi was hugging Doxtater. We cried loudly. My sister said she saw us on the news. We went to her memorial after. We saw a cross from the Essers. I dont know what to do. Jack came over and sat with us for a while. The only possible good thing thats come of this is people have really come together. Everyone has. I have never in my life wanted to hug Brandon or JJ before. I have today. Maybe I cant handle death. Why should I be able to? It's a loss. Nothing can be changed. It happens to everyone. I think maybe becuase I know I cant change anything. I cant have that person back. Is why I cant handle it. I am very independent for the most part. I live my own life and fix my own problems. This is something that can't be fixed. What am I supposed to do? I have never felt weaker or more insane than I do right now. I dont cry. I very very rarely cry and when I do I am alone. I have gone through deep depression and somewhat eating disorders and I have never cried this much. My Grandpa(whom I was very close to) My Cousin(who I deeply respected) and My Great Grandma(whom was extremely loving and accepting of me) have all died. They are the major deaths in my life. I still havent cried this much until now. Miss Bella's death reminded me of all the others. Anyone of us could have been in that accident. Any other person in the town, city, state, country...could have been there but it happened to Miss Bella, Courtney, and Sophia. Mortality sucks. I often say how much I hate things. I have considered suicide in my life. I have said I want to die. I dont want to live to be very old...but things like these...as depressing as they are make me want to live. I dont want people to be sad. Think about how often you see me sad...NOT OFTEN. The last time I cried in front of people(besides this week) was when Cassi left and that was in front of Erica, Stephanie, and Cassi alone. Peoples moods tend to be contagious. If I act sad Im afraid other people will be too. I have noticed people noticing my state of mind right now. I just dont know. I dont like to be worried about. but at the same time. I do. I will never forget Miss Bella. She was an amazing incredible inspiring person. She changed my life and many others. She took every day as it came, treated us as her family, and wanted the best for everyone. I will try to live by the things I see her as. The things I've seen her stand for. I can honestly say she was a very important part of my life. You don't know what you got til its gone. Live your life. I dont know why I am taking this so hard. I dont know when I will start to be okay or how okay I even am. The thought of not seeing her every day kills me. Everytime I see an adult in the hallway I think its her. I'm waiting for that to stop. I want to be okay. I will someday. I can only see. I hope youre okay. Im here to talk. I'm not very good at advice or talking or anything else. So I guess I'm here to listen. I love you kids. Hold on. I can do this. We can do this.
Posted on 04/30/2008 7:31 PM Comments (3)
April 28, 2008A Day For Miss BellaSo...last night I bought a boquet of light purple flowers with one thing of blue in it. Blue becuase when I picture Miss Bella its in her button down blue shirt that she wore all the time. At the store Dan B and DJ F were the checkers. I havent talked to either of them since 7th grade, "Are these for tonight or tomarrow?" Thats all he said. Thats all he had so say, I almost started crying right there. I knew today would be impossible. I got to school with my bouqet, as soon as we turned on Bolson I started balling my head off, trying to somewhat compose myself for the day that awaited me. I got to the memorial outside her window. There were at least 3 buckets already full but at that point no one was putting anything in. I was in desperate search for someone I knew. I caught Derrick and hugged him forever and started crying even more. Thats how most of the day was. Hugging, crying, back rubbing, reminicing... with my head down I put the flowers in a bucket with the others. Along with my flowers were two poems I wrote and a card. I looked up right before I turned to walk away and saw all the picture of her and like...I couldnt control it. I dont cry in public. I barely cry at all. Well, that wasnt the case today. Got to our corner and hugged Anthony for a good 10 minutes. Kept trying to compose myself. Didnt work. I hated seeing my friends cry, it made everything worse. Erica got there and didnt really turn around. It was so hard to see everyone like that. I didnt know what to say or do. Its unfortunate that I dont really know how to use a tissue while crying, today we really were "the emo corner". As we were wlking to block a someone said "that was her classroom" fuck. Block A: I cried a lot. failed a math test. cried more when Moylan gave his announcment. Mr Bruns looked on the edge of tears most of class Block B: we got there and Ms Kuhry startted talking about how she had been dreading this and started to talk about how impressed she was by our behavior...then she started crying and just said we would go to the upper gym and to the memorial. I spent all of that hour walking around talking and hugging. it was so sad i didnt pass run. heidi told me to go to the upper gym and take care of myself. i did lunch was quiet. crystal got ritz and carmal to try to cheer everyone up. i sat with my head down most of the time newspaper we watched forest gump becuase mr melton didnt know hwat to do. he started freeking out when they're in the girls college cuz he couldnt find the remote to fast forward. it made me giggle in dance we meditated. it actually really helped but she gave us the last 15 mins to go to the upper gym. i finally thought i was okay til i noticed every inch of space on the banners were filled and started reading them. i started crying again and again and again. i recomposed myself again., said goodbye to my kiddies then started walkin to the car. i stopped at her memorial once more and took a picture. i had to. you know me. i had to. i started crying again and cried from school to the kids i babysits house and for a half hour there. im like "go play your wii, i'll come up in a bit" tradgedy really brought out the best in the students. after reading what jj wrote on the facebook page i wanted to hug him. seeing disco cry was horrible. seeing ms burton and the counslers crying....as;lkdfj....i saw a note brandon d left her. it was a lighter taped to a peice of paper that said something along the lines of "you helped me quit" it was so sad. she was so loved. every time i saw an adult in the hallway i thought it was her. i kept expecting her to walk into the upper gym and said "see this is what i mean when i said we needed to work together" i could picture her doing it. and the whole room would burst into even more tears but they wouold be happier. she didnt deserve this. neither did her daughters. not her. not them. she was the nicest lady in the world, no one had a bad word to say about her. the man who did this needs to pay for what he did. its so ridiculous. she was more than a teacher she was more than a principal. she was a friend. even to those she barely knew., she actually cared about us. we werent her students we were her kids. Thinking back to freshman year, the school seemed a lot colder as a whole. This year was different. She made the school a better place. That was obvious. Rest Peacefully Miss Bella. You will be in our hearts forever and have changed this school in the best way.
Posted on 04/28/2008 4:11 PM Comments (0)
April 25, 2008Awaiting the Unpredictable
And we all turn into child
When we hear thing Crawl Longi Conti Cant under This death Holdi Feeli All one cryin Today Today Await There We'
Posted on 04/25/2008 8:45 PM Comments (0)
Thunderstorms - a poem for Miss BellaGone like lightining *For Miss Bella*
Posted on 04/25/2008 7:26 PM Comments (1)
*Speechless*Today an associate principal at my school, Miss Bella, got in a fatal car crash. She was pregnant. Both her and the baby are dead. Her two children are in intensive care. I dont know what to do or say. I barely knew her. But I'm crying. I mean; I see her every day and shes usually smiling and nice, she helped us with the jerkface problem in the beginning of the year. FUCK.
Posted on 04/25/2008 6:32 PM Comments (0)
April 20, 2008Rawflcopter - So Purple Its Kush
like a broken record i scream for peace
as you can see i love life and im always smiling and happy i give my heart away much to frequently but thats becuase i believe in second chance love at first sight and im being romantic far too nice and just above everyone that comes my way but what can i say i live life right here right now and today music peace and love 3 things of which i'll never get enough music peace and love if theres one thing i want you to hear me say its how today in this time and place there's not enough love and far too much hate so its up to you and me to make some change with 2 fingers high in the air we declare peace this is babymaking music so go on and use it grab your girl by the waste and show her to your special spcae becuase as soon as you get a taste you'll never ever wanna leave this place and in our case there's no need to make haste we'll take eachother down to pleasure town but lets do it all real slow push pull lick suck kiss nibble bite and blow we'll move from the ears on down until we get really low and uhm well you know how the rest of the story goes if theres one thing i want you to hear me say its how today in this time and place there's not enough love and far too much hate so its up to you and me to make some change with 2 fingers high in the air we declare peace god must have had more passion and perserverence than anyone has for this life this love this music and all that jazz my faith ring forth what evidence what cuases me to do it im gonna go ahead and use it my source of human life has become so maticulous that its getting ridiculous something has to be done our battle must be won its coocookatchu as the sky is so blue so purple its kush its rawflcopter and we love you
Posted on 04/20/2008 6:29 PM Comments (2)
Chiodos Concert!April 18th 2008. It was a last minute decision. Andi and I were already achey from My Chem the night before. Anthony was sick. We decided we'd just stay in back and chill. Good Idea. So yea this was my first concert without a parent there or a parent driving so that was a nice first. Andi is my favorite. So we got there way early and watched a band called Winner Takes All. They were pretty good, they did a Gorrillaz cover and it was really really good. I enjoyed them. Their singer had a My Chem shirt on that I had not seen before. When their set ended we walked into another room and watched ROFLCOPTER(amazing name). They were akward but good. They were very very very white. haha. I duno how it happened but somehow at the last 3 shows I've attended I've ended up hearing rap-ish stuff. Odd. haha. I like it though, it was just very confusing. And then before their last song ended the bass string broke so they beatboxed sang im not really sure a last song. it was soooooooo strange. i loved it. The doors opened and we just kinda hung out in back before it started. We checked out the merch. I didnt expect Chiodos or From First to Last to have such cutesy merch but they did haha. I didnt bring money for tshirts though cuz I really dont need any. haha. So yea we chilled about the place. Watched a many weird people. There were a lot of tiny people, there were a lot of drunk people smoking, and there were a lot of people who must have been on drugs cuz they were lighting their pants on fire. The back is awesome. haha. T The Color Fred: I like Taking Back Sunday but I hadn't actually heard any TCF music before, they were good. Fred got himself around the stage pretty good. After their set ended we went off in search of him because Anthony wanted to touch him. No such luck. But he realized he bought his cd from the bassist so went back and had him sign the cd haha. From First to Last: we stayed in back behind the soundboard thingie to watch, They played Note To Self and Wings of Pestilelence. I forgot that when they're live they rarely stop between songs and its hard to tell them apart and it all sounds the same haha. I havent listend to them in forever cuz they rather depress me but it was good. Me and Andi freeked out for a few songs it was nice. After words we went to meet them and the merch guy was lik "i dont know hwat your doing here the band is over htere" he lied. so we went back and some blond kid was lik "i want matt goods penis in my mouth" he like jefree star and had to be gay. haha. So that one guy whats his name i always forget was over by us and finally i go to talk to him and he walks away. LAME but FUNNY haha. MXPX: theyre set started and we all kinda just kept going between watching and walkign around. They were really good though. At one point Anthony was gone and I see Travis Richter walk past I kinda hit Andi and made her follow me. I swore I told her it was him but she must not of heard me and was kinda confused. Either way we get to the merch area where Travis was and he turns around and I'm like, "hey i love your music" i didnt have anything better to say. They're music doesnt do much but depress me anymore. I used to love them, now I just like them, he leaned in kinda close and was just like "thank you" and it was akward and he didnt back up so i was lik "uhh...can you sign this" and i kinda backed up a skosh. He got a marker signed it and then talked to Andi. He was akward to meet but thats cool. I love his signiture I've loved it since I first saw it. I think its becuase he can write Travis really fast and still make it look cool. haha im wierd. So we go back and its all good. A bit later Matt Good walks past and im like ahh matt good cuz i hadnt met him before. I turn to andi and was lk "you wanna meet Matt Good" and she was like "yea" so we did. haha. I never ever realized how tall he was. He's tall haha. So a bunch of people are sitting around him waiting and hes faced the other way talking to the merch guy and he turns around and was like "woah WOAH" haha we wait our turn. I tell him I love his music and was about to tell him that he was tall when he just stuck out his arms and was like "aw hug!" it was a really nice hug. It wasnt a naughty Mason Musso hug but it was just a good hug. You know, when someone is a good hugger it just shows. Ahah. So I ask him to sign my "no moshing or body passing" ticket thing they gave us and he read it. I noticed that whenever you give a band person something to read they point to each word as they read it out loud. "No Moshing Or Body Passing" he read outloud, "whats with that" and i kinda yelled "BULLSHIT" and he laughed and mumbled somehting back so i was like "yeah hi-five!" i didnt realize he had something in one hand so it was an akward hifive. his hand was cold. it was not the best hifive. haha >critical< then andi met him and i turned and saw fred. i was like oh shit anthony. anthony wanted to touch fred. We kinda ran back caught him coming back from wherever i grabbed his arm and said i found him fred. We kinda waited akwardly and when he turned to leave Anthony just kinda stuck out his hand and was like "hi" haha. We met him and didnt say much. I wrote TCF under his signiture. okay...haha. Chiodos: was really good. I think they opened with a song I kinda knew. I dont know many Chiodos songs but the ones I know I love. If they played Baby You Wouldnt Last a Second on the Creek and The Words Best FRiend Become Redifined I would be happy. They Did! yay. So me and Andi freeked out to a few songs and it was nice. They're really good and somehow it seemed like an extra loud concert. Like everything just seemed louder. I coudlnt understand half of what was said cuz the vox were strange. The cute guitar player was wearing short short short shorts. They must have had a better view then I did of Gerard with his ripped pants. ahahah. They were really good and they came back for an encore. We were all to tired and sick to stay after to meet them. We went to Walgreens and got some food and stuff cuz we were all hungry. On the way home we listneed to panic. it was a big difference after that show haha. Anthony fell asleep and me and andi sang our faces off. haha. i kinda felt bad that she had to drive home after dropping us off cuz she was really tired too. it was a really really good show alltogether. Despite us being sick and tired, and being int eh back it was really good. The bands were all great. And its always a plus to walk out of a show not sweaty or achey haha.
Posted on 04/20/2008 9:31 AM Comments (1)
April 19, 2008My Chemical Romance @ The Congress(4/17/08)Before
Show Bought merch from Chris and some other dude. I got the Mikey Fuckin Way tshirt, and the "I Survived the Black Parade" tshirt. As soon as the doors open everyone was running and pushing and it was crazy and we ended up about 10 people back. there were A LOT of young kids with annoying parents. One guy in particular kept asking if his daughter wanted to stay there and she did. He wouldnt let andi or urca in front of him to be next to me. lame. David Costa: They were really good. I liked em a lot. It was a good mix of hiphop and screamo. It sounded nice and got everyone pretty excited. I took a few pictures and forgot to turn the flash off. One security guard(camera nazi) wouldnt stop glaring at me so the other came over and was like, "no picutres" so someone behind me was like, "just turn the flash off" so i took a few more pictures while trying to keep the camera out of view of the camera nazis. I got pushed rather far forward. That was nice. Drive By: I was suddenly a lot further forward. They were pretty good, I didnt know any of their music either. A few people were pumped but not many. One girl 3 people in front of me was like, obsessed(more so than why my chem came out) with them and jumped and freeked out and everyoen was getting pissed off. I was glad she was enjoying it but as soon as their set came to an end i ended up directly behind her and her hair wouldnt get off me. It was better than before when i was behind a girl with oober curly hair though. Every time i went to take out my camera it would get caught in her hair and every time i went to take a picture eithe rher hair would get in the way or the camera would accidently hit her face. haha. wow. Billy Talent: WAS AMAZING. i listened to them a few days before and liked em but they were soooooooooo great. especially they're stage presence. I kept on watching their singer and instantly recognized he looked a lot like Casey Calvert. That got me sad. But they were soooooooo good it made me happy again. I need to get their music. I got a lot of good pictures in their set somehow. yes. My Chemical Romance: Was incredible. Best My Chem Show(of the 3 i've been to). They played a good mix of Revenge and The Black Parade. It wasnt the same mix as last time, it wasnt the songs everyone exactly expected but of course they played the 'classics'. They played my 3 fave bsides; Kill All Your Friends(my favorite ever. i could argue one of the best my chem songs ever), My Way Home is Through You, and Heaven Help Us(amazing!). To everyones surprise they even played 2 songs off Bullets!!!!!!! I swear when they started I thought i was dreaming. My jaw dropped my eyes widened and I started at Gerard for a bit before realizing it was real, then I freeked out. haha. I was near crying the whole time. Gerard was amazing of course. The vocals were incredible, he had a huge rip in his pants(ahaha, nice view right) and said awesome things. Mikey was FUCKIN HOTT. like before he used to be cute. now hes hott. that boy has changed, I remember first seeing htem and him being in back barely moving. Not this time. hes right up in front being awesome and such. I barely saw frank which was a little upsetting but im just gonna say...he makes smoking sexy. I mean, i hate it i really do and i in no way would ever support it but somethin bout him makes a cigarette look okay. S&T i know. During Teenagers him bob and keyboard dude smoked most of the time. Bob and keyboard guy smoked between half the songs it was ridiculous! I dont even understand. Bobs hair is long. I have never seen a drummer through so many sticks up and backwards. After and during most of the songs it was up and back up and back up and back. Ray...wow fucking ray toro. Finally got his own shirt thats good. he had a beer on stage....whatever. he was amzing as usual though. at one point frank came over and whenever frank wasnt playing a part he would cover rays eyes...ray was still amazing. i love him. There was some harmonica there was some cowbell. That was interesting. i was against the people agains the barriar the whole time. I got a few pictures but i got to careless with what iw as doing and the guy was lik "if you take one more picture im taking your camera" and i was lik uhhh ahh so i put it away haha. sooooo many people crowdsurfed i have never had more asses on my head. hahaha. when the set was completly over(after encore) roadies gathered drumsticks and setlists and passed them out. i almost got one of each but didnt :( there was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much shit on the ground after and half the crowd stayed scavanging for it. there were tshrits shoes belts hoodies papers cups cans etc etc etc there was so much stuff, more than at any other show it was crazy. people were lik, "hm i needed a new belt" haha. and there were feathers everywhere from a crowdsurfers feather boa. Yeah, a boa was thrown on stage but one of the security guards took it off stage. when a fan trhough a bandana headband thing on stage gerard put it on mikey then wore it himself th erest of the night. it was cute haha. people were throwing shoes and hes like "dont through shoes. i dont need shoes. i got my own shoes right here" and kicked his feet up. sooo cute. haha. It was sooo amazing After I was alone from urca and andi. I tried to find them and thought i saw andis red pants turning the corner in front of me. it was her. Thank god i found her haha. we went and got a billy talent tshirt(that runs very small goddammit) and waited to find people a few minutes later urcas mom and my mom showed up and then urca showed up. we went to dunken dounughts cuz they were hungry and then went back. a few people were outside. the bus was gone. hey chris walked outside and we talked to him and got pictures. that was sweet. the moms were confused of who he was but whatever. we took the bus back to the hotel. we were hungry so we went to the vending machines but they were broke so we went across the street to a sketchy gas station. that was wierd. the guy working was like "kiss my ass kiss my ass kiss my ass" and andi realized she was wearing her kiss my sass hoodie and said it was sass and kept going "ass sasss ass sass" CREEPY. IT WAS A GREAT DAY!
Posted on 04/19/2008 9:48 PM Comments (0)
April 16, 2008Concerts I've Been To.
Posted on 04/16/2008 8:19 PM Comments (2)
April 14, 2008Dont Worry. Listen to Ben Lee
Ben Lee. He makes me happy. Go watch his music videos(or at least listen to): You will not be let down. Would I lie to you? Have I lied to you thus far? NO! So go Listen to Ben Lee and join me in Australian happiness!
Posted on 04/14/2008 6:32 PM Comments (0)
April 12, 2008Picture of the Day / ffffound.comOkay. So, you may have noticed my new Picture of the Day folder started a few days ago. It seems to be a site where you can register and have an account. Its not a social networking site. From what I have seen you cant leave comments, you cant add friends, and there are no note-dropping/messaging areas(but im not a registered user, i could be wrong). I havent seen any search bar type things and basically you go from any of the pictures on the main page and thats where the journey of greatness begins. You click a picture. It takes you to that picture and underneath it our pictures similar to it or suggested as "if you like this picture you will also like these pictures..." you click that picture and it repeats. Basically its a random selection of amazing things from animation, cartoons, photography, posters, sculptures, collages, etc etc etc. Most, if not all of it is VERY conceptual. I love this site. I have spent at least an hour(collectivly) a day, each day, since I have found it and I have yet to tire of it. My new gallery is dedicated to one picture a day(okay..today i had 2) that is incredibly amazing and the best picture i have found all day or one that portrays how i feel or the day that has happened. Yes. I'm cool. I love this site. Check it out: ffffound.com
Posted on 04/12/2008 7:44 PM Comments (0)
April 11, 2008shittiest week in a long time
im going to kill everyone.
Posted on 04/11/2008 8:50 PM Comments (0)
April 6, 2008F U C K"what the fuck are you doing? why are you crying?" why is that going through my head? i dont even know? im not crying and im not by anyone who is? i dont understand. seriously those lines wont stop repeating through my head. its scary weird. i had such a shitty weekend. fuck that. i babysat and it was good. its all good when im not thinking but then i get a second of piece and its like SHIT i dont even know why. i hate it. i have no reason to feel like shit and i do. i dont know why or what about or how to stop it.
Posted on 04/06/2008 8:03 PM Comments (1)
April 5, 2008Man Vs Nature"Man Vs Nature" Gravity sets in at the worst of times The undercurrent carries me down with a roar Watch gravity take control
Posted on 04/05/2008 4:47 PM Comments (2)
Fighting off this Mental Weather...im so sick of making lists TODAY; Then why am I not?
Posted on 04/05/2008 4:36 PM Comments (0)
April 2, 2008Oh Sweet Divine Predicament
Today a church in our town exploded from a gas leak or something due to endless construction going on everywhere. The whole town is in a mad, chaotic, worry over this and its all over the news. The church was 113 years old and the only thing left standing is the bell tower which will most likely be purposely demolished at this point so it doesnt collapse on its own. I wanted to go their and try to see whats going on and get pictures but couldnt, instead I got this one of one of the last helicopters there looking down upon it. The title is of course, from and Envy on the Coast song that came to mind when looking at this.
Posted on 04/02/2008 7:57 PM Comments (0)
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