Yesterdays Pictures Are Old News

Day 1.
Nikki, Erica, Andi, Libby, and I waited around all day mostly at the U.S. Cellular Stage becuase they played some good music, waiting for 11:00 pm to come. We got there at 3:00.  We hung out at picninc tables and when it got cold we hung out in the phone booth. it was awesome. then around 10:00 we started waiting for fireworks and they didnt start so at 10:30 we headed to the Miller Lite stage for Violent Femmes. Then the fireworks went on and then finally we saw Violent Femmes. I knew a little more than half of the songs that they played. then they left and came back out. then they played my 3 favorite Femmes songs in the world and we freeked out dancing and stuff. we saw a dude who looked like Bread only with scarier bigger eyes and we saw a dude in a tiger costume. awesome. i know.

Day 2.
heehee...the even better day.  So nikkis sister took me and nikki to summerfest and we took the bus too. we got there a little before four, only to discover that Shiny Toy Guns had canceled just like Say Anything had the day before. We didnt really care becuase we dont really like them.  So we got the U.S. Cellular Stage and went to the 102.1 area and they told us that if we wore a bunch of 102.1 stuff like tattoos and whatever else we might be chosen to meet Silversun Pickups, and their Nikkis favorite bands and one of my favorites so we each had 3 tattoos on our face and then had window clings like for cars on our wrists and arms. nikki had them in her hair and on her legs too. for the rest of the day we sat and watched bands in the crowd. most were pretty good.  then during a band that i forgot the name of we saw Silversun Pickups standing a while away and we dragged nikki over there for ap icture and jennys step mom was took a picture and then was lik  to the band "now tell her how stupid she is for peircing her own lip" and walked away and then christopher turned to jenny as soon as her mom walked away and was lik 'its okay i piericed my own ear" ha. and ha.     Then, later.... Toni(i think thats how you spell it) called us over and told us that she was chosen to meet the band and that we could come with us so we nervously ran to  the 102.1 tent and waited with the posters they gave us for the band to come in. me jenny and nikki got our posters signed.  they all knew it was nikki that left comments on their myspace too and wrote You're a champion and 0 days til summerfest on her poster. but i'll get to that later. so first person was Nikki and she signed her name with a heart and then was like "do you want me to sign it to you, whats your name" and i told her and i had to help her spell it a few times heehee and then was Jon and he signed it all cool and stuff and then christopher and he signed it his name and "yes. and yes." and then Brian and we all talked to him about stuff with nikki and then i talked to him about the Rave and how it was haunted and looked like that place in Silent Hill(which i guess i should see that movie) and he signed it saying "you=nice"haha. yes. and yea it was amazing and we waited then for pictures and since Toni was taking pictures we got 12 haha it was awesome. so then we met up with erica and ran to get good seats, we got 3rd rowish on the benches, i could see and the kid next to me was pretty cool. his birthday is august first and i have no idea what his name is but we wer tlakin and singing to motion city soundtrack together. then a really crappy band called Codebreaker(no offence) came out and they were just really really bad, nobody like them. even a little kid that was there with his dad(that was wearing a slipknot shirt) was like at the end of every song "daddy daddy see its over yay" and then they would start again and he would go "noooo" hahahhahaha. and then 2 memebers of Shiny Toy Guns came out and apologized that they wouldnt be performing due to a closely related family emergency or something and i thought that was really nice of them that they respected their fans enough to tell them what was going on and everything and then the finally Silversun Pickups came out and they played about an hour show with a half hour encore i guess. Jenny had to leave early and missed 5 songs. after they were done we went to merch and saw they only had the shirt i was wearing and the shirt nikki was wearing and the bag nikki had so we couldnt buy anything, but i dindt have enuf money anyway so it didnt matter. and then we went home on the bus and omg the line for the bus was almost more packed than a regular concert and it was mostly drunk people with ciggarettes in their hands so it was very uncomfertable but funny all the same. then we finally got on the bus. then i got home. now its today and i dont think im going to any more days of summerfest besides maybe maybe the last day of July 8th becuase its free and Blue October is playing and they are rather good.

k i just got home from day 2 of Summerfest(which i almost didnt go) and wow. today made up for both all the waiting of today(and numerous face tattoos and stickers) and all of yesterdays waiting and say anyting cancelation. silversun pickups = summerfest and life heros.

i'll fill you kids on what happened both days tomarrow. cuz really. im sure you want to know.

so hes on carson daily. and he said he likes My Chemical Romance and panic at the disco....

but he pointed something out that made me laugh a lil......Marylin Manson complains about people copying him all the fricking time as you probably know. welll,.......alice cooper....wears a lot of make up...has a girls name................marlyin manson...wears a lot of makeup....has a girls name

Fa Chaw.

okay SO say anything skipping summerfest may make me angry but truthfully its really not the only thing and is probably just the easiest to complain about...im angry about a fucking lot right now. so bare with me as i complain about it

lets see. this time last year i became severly depressed and stopped eating.

lately i havent been eating much. not purposely i just havent been eating much at all. like..one thing a day

general shit of me hating myself

my mom is upset with me becuase she has to drive 2 ways to summerfest becuase only nikki and my mom are ever able or offering to drive us places and she's sick of it so shes takign it out on me

my mom lied to the lady i babysit for saying i couldnt babysit one day last week even tho she knew i could and she hasnt asked me to babysit since. i need money dammit

i need money dammit

currently im listening to angry music. im angry. i rarely listen to fromfirsttolast but yea....gr right.

i guess being extremly upset about say anyting is the easiest thing to be mad at right now.

gah..say anything just pisses me off....im so mad at them. how could they do this to me? how could they do this to libby?(theyre like her favorite. they are our band!) whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhy i just wanted to see them at summerfest. i wasnt asking for them to play at an actual venue i wasnt asking for cool merch to buy i just wanted to see them play becuase i love them and they let me down damn fucking bastard bitching whorish skanky slutbag lint lickers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mad.

so i duno, are we still going tomarrow kids? i dont care if we do or dont so yea. you decide.

gr. this just really upsets me. bands shouldnt be allowed to back out of playing a show. its not fair to anyway. bah fuckers.

GOOD NEWS

notice it does not involve Say Anything. it does involve Motion City Soundtrack. i love them more than i luv say anytnig so HA. they're coming to the rave so HA. and gr. stupid say anything. i luv motion city still tho. im gonna shoot them and marry motion city soundtracks music.

is coming with cartel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

see this is amazingly splendid news becuase i luv Nightmare of You a lot so wootness mhmmm.

Falling to the End
By Rhianna O'Shea

          “Happy birthday to you!” all my friends sang in unison; it was my twenty-third birthday, and my best friend Katey was throwing me a party.  She and Damian, my boyfriend, rented a hotel room for the night of the party, and invited everyone I knew. Even some people I didn’t know, and of course all of those people invited their friends, so there ended up being triple the people they had expected.  People filled the entire hotel suite, the pictures on the wall were shaking and on fell to the ground, nobody bothered to put it back up or move it out of the way.  They pushed all the furniture against the walls to make more room and still barely all fit, people were back to back with barely any room in between.  When I walked through the crowd I could feel the people who were dancing hards sweat against me, it was disgusting but I guess it meant it was a good party, if people were dancing and all. I was always a pretty shy person, but tonight I actually talked to some people I didn’t know and got a little hyper.  I thought that I wouldn’t fit in in this type of setting, but to my surprise, I ended up being the life of the party.  Katey and Damian had been meaning to throw me a huge party since we spent my twenty-first birthday party just hanging out doing nothing. 

            “So how old are you again?” a random guest asked,

i have not been able to sleep for multiple reasons the last week or so i decided to give up the fight
tonght i tired to go to sleep for about an hour and have since given up and i will just hang out chill whatever til i eventually drop to sleep(which i doubt will happen) regardless of when i fall asleep im gonna wake up b4 ten tomarrow becuase that seems reasonable. plus my mom said if we go to the library we have to go early and i already finished all the books i got the other day and need more.

yes.

I am soooo tired and I sooooo cannot even sleep right now so I think I will just type constantly until finally i turn my computer off and decide that i will be able to sleep and of course that will not happen but instead i will lay here in bed doing  absolutly nothing until i actually fall asleep. im not gonna backspace anything besides mistyped words unless of course i do not notice them or do not care. duh. yes so this is what happens to me every single freeking night, especally during the summer, i try to go to sleep and cant. and im sure a lot of other people probably have this problem but i really do, i mean i probably should take some pills or something. sometimes i think it would be a hella lot easier if my life was just dictated by pills or some other form of dictatorship hee. yea, but like seriously there are enough pills in the world that they totally could if someone really wanted or needed them too. pills to make you happy pills to make you loose weight pills for vitamins pills to make you sleep and on and on and on and yea that would probably be an intresting life, life by pills but maybe if someone really couldnt handle life and the control it would be the right life for them? i duno, i dont really think i would want my whole life dictated by pills or anything else, even tho yea i duno. blar actually i decided i am going to try and avoid using words lik blar, gr, gah, fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck and other things that just take up space im actually gonna write words as i think them and trust me random ass fucking shit will come up. but yea, like i said, i cant sleep. the other day when i tried to sleep the 2nd i put my stupid head on my stupid pillow i started thinking about crazy and stupid stuff. stuff like my speaking and my grandma's funeral. my grandma is not even dead yet, and not very sick!!! also then stupid stuff like i duno, erica going out with ian(what the hell right) for those of you who DONT know erica is one of my bestest friends and ian is the guy i like who is dating a whore. no offence to her friends or anything...offence to her though. yea so guess what! i was trying to make a setting on my account so only people with buzznet accounts can view my profile and jounrals and shit. yea that didnt really happen i dont think.  i wanted to do that beucas my mom is an idiot. see if i wanted to tell my mom shit i would tell her, if i wanted to tell her i was hungry i would tell her and if i wanted to tell her i told ian that i liked him i would have told her that too but i didnt becuase she is a fucking LOUD MOUTH i mean seriuosly she has some gossip issues beyond belief. you dont even know. so yea, she knows i have buzznet but she doesnt know my password thank god. and yea she goes on her computer at work and looks at all my stuff. whatever she can look at all the pics and vids she wants, they arent too bad, the jounrals are a differnt think. they are none of her business and they are none of her friends, coworkers, aquantices, or strangers off the streets business if i tell someone i like them or i got ina fight or anything else. and yes, in buzznet journal.blogs whatever i do often mention that i am currently depressed or sad or not feeling to great or not eating or wanting to kill myself whatever, i dont feel like telling people becuase yea, im like that. but yea no she reads this stuff and instead of being a good parent or trying to be or whatever else she just ignors that part and if she mentions it at ALL she says that i should stop lying to my friends about being depressed to make me look cool becuase pretty soon they will all hate me. well great news, im not fucking faking this.  fucking idiot, see as she can read about my every feeling i choose to write her she should do her parental duty and take care of it as an adult and i duno, maybe get me some fucking help. i mean but no instead she does that or she tells everyone she fuckign bumps into that i write emo poetry. what. ever. write, yea, or she looks at my photography and tells my aunt im into gothic photography becuase i have a FEW pictures from inside  a cemetary. does she see the ones of smiling children and flowers hell no. or at least i guess does she mention it? hell no. gar she makes me so mad. you know what also makes me soooooo mad the stupid cost of getting pictures developed. i dont have a printer or anyting and printers and ink and paper is too expensive to so i have to like go to walgreens where its like 19 cents to get 1 fucking picture developed and shit and right now i have lik 525 pictures on my camera so its like over 100 dollars and that insane. not only becuase is that a lot of money but beucase right now i have a littel over 50 dollars and i have at least lik 3 days of summerfest(which is lik 8 a day) 1 day of warped tour maybe and for sure i hope seeing motion city at the rave but thats lik 30 or 40 i think. and guess what. i dont even have a real fucking job, i babysit for to sosopath kids who are crazy in every single bad way possible. i do it becuase im too scared to get a real job and dont like being bossed around and told when to work. erica has work and often misses shit becuase of it and nikki misses stuff sometimes becuase of hers and will be missing some concerts becuas eof it. i hate missing out on shit. i hate wen my friends hang out and i cant for whatever reason yet yea whatever its dumb and i hate real jobs and i hate people and i like money cuz im a greedy fuck like most people in this greedy fukcing country. i mean seriously the other my lil sisters like you only babysit to watch their tv? im like no i only babysit to get frickn money. and shes like yea, thats becuase ur greedy. well duh. everyone one  does what ever it is they do for money or to make themselves happy or whatever else, even oprah. i mean if she was really not greedy in any way shape or form she would live in a shack where old ugly used clothes and give all of her money away and shit. and she wouldnt take credit for it. understnad? probably not becuase u know most of what im saying i wont remember tomarow, not becuase im drunk or anyting cuz im not and never will be but becuase im tired and its late and i cant sleep and that often happens. speaking of drunk i was so tempted to have abeer yesterday. not cuz i want or like alcohol but becuase we have nothing in our house to drink besides that and cranberry grape juice. i tried the cranberry and grape juice instead and omg it was the worst thing ever it tasttedd soooooooo bad and i was like ew. we dont even have water, well technically we have sink water but it tastes bad so i wouldnt drink that either so instead i went to sentry and wasted money on a mountain dew becuase thats what i do. i do the dew. ha that guy that works at speedway likes erica and hes olld hahahhaha. no he was just being frinedly, just to her....hahaha. yea she was weraring a cute is what we aim for tee with an elephant on it and  hes lik "so the we in cute is what we aim for, whos the we?" and ericas lik "uh its a band tee" and hes lik 'oh for what band' and shes like 'cute is what we aim for...." and then he was all lik "oh hehee im so stupid, im not really in with music right now, well thats a big long band name, i guess like red jumpsuut apparatus..." and on and on all stuttering and messing up his words. then i checked out and asked if i had a speedy rewards card and told me my change. then me and erica went and she ate her lunchable by the lake. she ended up with one left of everying so i decided its would be a good idea to feed the cracker to the fishes, they didnt eat the cracker but they did end up eating all the lil bits of ham and cheese we threw in whcih was odd becuase who knew that fish ate dairy. its just not something i associate fish with you know, i mean you could pretty much never see a fish drink a glass of milk and you shouldnt be able to see them eat cheese but we did so hahahahahahahaha bitchez. wow i typed that z on accidnet. yea so wow maybe soon i will stop tyipng becuase im almost running out of shit to say but not really. we watched hannible rising today. wow that was a pretty good movie, i pretyt much like it a lot what i really wanted to get was accepted tho becuaase its really funny and duh i  like it and i wanted fight club, requim for a dream, or seasons of scrubs and a few other movies but vanguards didnt have thos so blar that sucks right. dman i used the word blar. see vangaurds is somplace i woulndt mind working for numerous reasons but they wont hire me. well they wouldnt last summerish and i even know someone who works there. its becuase at its old location it was in nowhere basically no other stores arround wer open and only one person works at a time and its small and they thought if like a bad guy came a teenager couldnt defend themselves or something. but yea like it opens after 1 every day, so i wouldnt have to worry about waking up early and it closes at 9 or 10 i think and its like movies, and i like love movies and it wouldnt be that hard. i coudl sit there watch movies and sell.rent movies to peopel. it probably woudnt pay very much tho, becuase all their rentals are 99 cents and all the movies they rent are for sale at the same time too but none are over 10 so i wouldnt expect they make too much money. i duno yea whatever they probably actually do but yea i really actually dont know what else to say mcuh ya know wut im saying i wish i could think of something magical to acutally write instead of ramble but im not good at thinking of stuff to write so now im gonna go by by and maybe in a few hours or so i will fall asleep and stuff so night. kinda.

"I don't know how he could be mad at us. We never came out and said we were going to call ourselves by a girl's name and then a serial killer's name." - Frank Iero.

ha. that's what whiney attention craving whore Marylin Manson gets for disrespecting My Chemical Romance. haha. im sure you have all probably read about this by now but god i luv Frank, takes no shit for nobody, not even marylin fucking manson.

*disclaimer: i do not hate nor love marylin manson and i do not believe that his middle name or any other part of his name is in fact 'fucking'. :)

I'm not sure how to do this
I'm not sure what to say
All the time I spend with you
In every single day
It means the world to me

You have no idea the way you've changed me
With everything you do
Things are on their way to getting better
Everything good is becuase of you
And I thank you

Becuase you're the one who listened
Through all my jumbled rantings
They made no sense and still you tried
The thought of you makes me feel like dancing
And you don't even realize it

You have impacted me more  than anyone else
Even if I can't say it
I don't know where I would be with out you
I'd be in even deeper shit
And that's all I know

I hope I said that right
And you understand what I'm saying
You're like a real life saint to me
And I'm not one for praying
But you really mean the world to me

you know, i luv when a poem literally just comes to me. like i dont try at all and every single word and line come to me when im not even trying and then i can rush to my computer or notebook and write it as fast as humanly possible and not forget a word. thats how this was. however, i really could use some saving right now.

Many Little Things Add Up / Low Expectations

      It was another lazy summer day about two years ago that I first went there, my expectations were low and I had no idea what to expect when my mom announced to my siblings and me that we would be going to The House on the Rock.  It didn't sound like anything to acceptional, it sounds like the title woud suggest, a house on a rock.  Trying to picture it I imagined an old shack like cabin with nails sticking out as it hung off the side of a cliff with a few knick knacks inside to look at and a lot of plaques on the old, fading walls to read to understand their significence.  I felt like protesting. Why spend a whole day, half of it driving, instead of hanging out around the house watching movies I had seen thousands of times and I would see more throughout the summer.  I didn't protest simply becuase I couldn't bear another long car ride full of arguments and threats to 'turn this car around right now'.
       After a three and a half car ride with my brother and sisters numerous complaints drowned out by my cd player(playing something along the lines of The Killers) we turned the corner and headed down the long driveway about to experiance many suprises.  As we got to the parking lot I saw a small building, bigger than I thought and not too shabby looking but it didn't look too intresting.  Then I saw the giant sculptures of lawn decorations.  Large ceramic looking containors with holes in it, in each hole there was a seemingly dragon head sticking out with legs and tails coming every which way.  They looked amazing on their own.  There was a small bit of hope in me at that moment, I hoped that the rest of this house would be that intresting.
       We walked to the doors and were greeted by a tall fake wizard...intresting...my mom paid for all of our tickets(expensive, and i wondered why).  We started down the long hallway that soon became The House on the Rock.  The first part of the house somewhat could have resembled a residence besides the carpet on the very low cieling and orchestra that was somehow playing without any people. Cool enough.  After that we entered a large lobby where I first saw the glass hallway that jutted out into midair...it must have been at least thirty feet out above the forrest way too far below.  There was some trick of glass at the very end that gave it the effect of going out into iffinity and it was a believable trick, all walls and the ceiling were glass, it seemed very shakey and I only went about halfway but that was enough for me.  I was already intrigued by the wonder of this place.  It got more amazing as we continued through, my mom smiling as she remember certing displays she had seen as a child.
      There were so many different displays, most electronic, of instruments playing by themselves and so much more.  There were rooms filled with doll houses and collections and a room full of newspair articles about planes with modles hanging everywhere.  My favorite rooms in whole house were almost too amazing for words.  Entering through a hallway I think after a display of old cars you walk into to a room of dark blue only to see a huge larger than life model of a whale and squid, a huge aqueaus fight appearing right before your eyes, motionless but full of life.  Another of my favorites was the old town, I had always been a sucker for those even just The Streets of Old Milwaukee at the museum.  They had the streets of rocks, old buildings, and little display boxes that when a token was entered would dance or sing or move in a little way and everyone would watch in awe at the simple technology that seemed amazing.  A litter further down the old street you would come to a box with a gypsy inside who would 'read your fortune' for just one token and you could even get a small card that said your lucky numbers and your fortune on it.  My other favorite was the very last room.  After seeing probably the worlds largest carosel with the most animals ever(not a single one repeated on the three levels) there was a three or four level room full of dolls, fake animals, larger than life elephants with manniquins on the tippy top and everything else imaginalbe, and a huge full size orchestra with electronic people playing music.
   I didn't know what to expect going into The House on the Rock that first time, I have been back twice since than and it somehow gets more and more amazing even though nothing new is ever added.  I dont think it would be possible to be not amazed at least once through out the whole place and there is no way to see everything that is inside this magical place.  It's amazing how you can go into something with such low expectations and be so amazed at how many little things, and big things, simple things and extravegent things, simple things and awesome things can go into making one of the most amazing places I have ever been.  I have never wanted a job as a janitor or a job like that but if I had to have such a job I would love to go through all the millions of display at The House on the Rock only at the chance I could discover  more secrets and magic at probably the coolest place ever, even if it is a little wierd.

If my life were a movie
And the voice in my head was the audience....
It would be yelling at the screen
Standing up and jumping about and waving his hands in the air
'Don't do that! Don't say that! What is your problem?'
Not understanding my horrible decisions and not being able to stop a thing
It would sigh in relief if I did something right
And 'awe' at my special moments
It would watch helpess in disbelief as I make my mistakes
But enjoy my misery anyways
And who can really blame it
Even the voice in my head enjoys a good 'teen angst' film/

i doubt you or anyone else would be able to since its going on in my fucking head and i dont even fucking understand this.

i had a pretty good day, boring but good. i hung out, went online, watched tv, talked to my grandma, babysat, went to the park, finished a book, painted etc. etc. no  neccessarily bad thoughts, none.(okay so there was one second while i saw  a dress i liked online thought about homecoming and thought about ana but that happens when ever i think about clothes or someting so yea, it was a breif second and it was about 5ish)

sooooo im online its 1:30 and im watchin some music videos, rancontuers - hands, james morrison - wonderful life, ranconteurs - steady as she goes....just stuff ya know, browsing buzznet randomly and trying to upload a music video. i decide its time for bed and as soon and i mean immediatly as i put my stupid head down on my stupid pillow i start thinking bad stuff for no reason. i have no reason to think about this fucking shit, espeically not now when nothing absolutly nothing has happened to trigger such ridiculous thoughts. i sat there thinkihng horrible things for about 5/10 minutes before getting entirly sick and disgusted by it so i came back to my computer to type this.

i honestly do not understand why i start hating myself at the most random times of my life. but i do. i really do. and it must just be that i really do underneath it all truely infact hate myself in every way shape and form becuase unless i am occupied with something(and believe you me, even then) i am constantly thinking about stupid shit such as that and i hate hate hate hate hate it and i cant stop in my head there is a stupid voice(partly my own) and it will honestly be like talking about stupid stuff that will never happen and stuff about ana and stuff about shit and hating myself and just putting myself down and inbetween each thing it will be like, 'but that would never happen' or 'its really not like that' or 'why the fuck am i thinkgin about this' and 'i know thats not true' but GAH FUCKING GERRRRRRRRRRR I HATE IT  I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT.

if anyone could truely be of any help...that would be greatly appreciated since it is now clear that i probably will not be sleeping any time soon.

i just read that book..by ned vazzini...its very good.

you should read it

its very good

i want to read something else. im pretty much out of books unless i want to read more about david bowie(which frankly, i dont.) i kinda wana reread the illiad and the oddessy but i kinda dont feel like it. im sick of fantasy shit and i was looking thru books i had to read  yesterday and thats all they were. im not really into that anymore. it would be helpful if i had a library card that i didnt owe money on. too bad.

tomarrow i have to babysit. yes. at least that means i will ge money. and then thursday i babysit so i will get more money so maybe i will just spend it all and get my pictures developed. i dont know when i next babysit after that so maybe i wont have any money for the rest of the summer. that would suck.

i think on wednesdays the art museum is free. i think that would be a potentially fun lil field trip. so would the zoo and regular museum. aaron has never been to the museum. WHAT? i luv the museum, im pretty sure hes probably lying cuz im sure he has been there with school. at okauchee we went like every year so he must be lying.

gar summer makes me tired. i want to go to vangaurds to get a movie but my mom wont take me.  aslkjhf;lsajfaf.......ksajfd;ksjfd;lksflkjf;lksajfdlk;asjflaSKJFWPOI. yeah....

No idea what real life is
Aside from constantly killing
We've been raving
Added to that kind of learning...

Over the course of human existance
I was floored
Such a dizzying pace
Not just a rampant fraud but the true cost of education

After you've sent your realease you need to follow up
It's totally unique and bizarre
It's kind of fusion of dark and light
Oh for fucks sake. Get it together

all lines were taken from The Used issue of AP magazine
im not sure if  i like the stanza placement, i kinda like it this way and kinda like the first 2 switched.
your opinion?

friends are forever
and when does forever last
never
true love is a lifetime
and does it ever stop
yes
forever is never
a lifetime can be stopped
friends and love arent that way
(forever or a lifetime)
if true they never stop

gar i duno. im really bored and wanted to write a poem i dont know if i like it.

right now all i need is one good thing to happen to me and i'll be okay.

?

yea....like the last day of school was magical but since then i havent been to great. i temporarily forgot it yesterday at okauchee days hangingg out with erica aaron and jenny but seriously just one really good happy thing would be great right now. i dont really know what i mean by that...but i kinda do. i duno. i just want soemthing good to happen and yea....that would be nice and it would make me happy for a while.

i guess by 'good thing' i mean a range of things. coming across a large sum  of money so i could get all my pictures developed and maybe buy soemthing cool, that would be good, going to a kick ass concert and having a lot of fun and meeting the band over(and successfully bringing my camera) that would be awesome. the the next few concerts i have comign up are at summerfest...cassi moving back from ohio becuase her family decided it wasnt a nice thing to do. that would be really good, that would make me happy for the whole summer. eh. still waiting for a good thing to happen.

the water isn't wet enough
the desert isn't dry
the leaves on trees aren't green enough
dont ask, I dont know why

things have just be changing
the world has been flipped around
everything has changed
whatever it was it ruined this town

the sun is bright anymore
the sky isn't blue
stars dont light the night sky anymore
could it be becuase of you?

are you the reason things are different
the reason this place is ruined?
its not good different, it's bad different
is it my fault too?

is it our fault the birds no longer sing
and no one will hear their voice
is it our fault the the lovers dont love anymore
all becuase of our noise?

Life isn't easy; and it's getting harder.

please someone tell me if i did this right!!!

i think im sick

i went to the zoo today and halfway thru cassi started really really not feeling good but we made an awesome hunting voyager video anyway. im never gonna see her again and i forgot to give her her pete stuff :(         

i got home and didnt feel good at all, headache,stomachache, i dont feel good at all and i want watttttter and i dont think we have any.

i want to walk around but i dont feel good and nikki is gone  and i dont know where to go :(

my mom is really annoying.

You aren't burning bridges
But they don't just spontaniously combust
Your actions are a catalyst
Watch this all blow up

Starting with a sizzle and spark
Making its way across the thin rope
You held us all together
You were our only hope

Fully cinged and blackened
Smoke rising to the air
Memories are the only remains
Of what once stood there

It connected us to the otherside
More important than we considered
If only we could buy it back
I'd be the highest bidder.

by joe hill is a very very  damn good book(someone once said that every time you feel inclined to use the word very you should replace it with damn so hah).

i just finished it and it was good so la la la la la la you should read it(if your cool like me) ha yes so blar. thats all there is to do anymore is read. pft. yea so i read that and it was good. creepy, gorey at times, the ending was pretty good, a lil confusing at this one part  and stuff but i mean it mentions my favorite music people like my chemical romance and hiliry duff(she is in there but shes not my fave so jk) and yea, its amazingly well written. i wish i could write that good but everything i write would never be that long no matter how good.

i think tomarrow or later tonight or whenever im bored enuf again which could very  damn well be as soon as i post this start reading Its Kind of a Funny Story it looks pretty good and stuff so yea. yay tomarrow im going to the zoo im happy and sad. blarrr im soooooooooo bored i didnt do anything today and my mom is really mad cuz every half hour when she comes in to my room to use my computer that i payed for for as long as she possibly can even though shes doing nothing important anyway i yell at her to get out and bluch i hate her. yes. i want to walk around even though i guess its kinda late and curfew is in an hour and a half. i asked erica earlier but she said no :(

okay i had an odd dream last night

Me and erica are going to the riverside theater(where we first saw my chem) only its to see a movie and its a huge event like jillions of people are there. Im putting my camera into my wallet as i buy the ticket and libby is the person selling tickets and she says "thats a camera" but doesnt take it away, we go through security in like a second and we're inside this huge room filled with people and there are huge double doors and i see ian walking around in the room next to it.  we go find seats in the room on the other side and as we're walking down this huge aisle with tons of people already in seats i see blond gerard looking around for people and i freak out and try telling erica but for some reason she cant see him rigth away. then we see the rest of the band at the same time he notices and walks over to them.  theyre sitting in the front row and we dont want to be annoying so we decided to sit like a row back from them so we walk over there and nikki, andi, jenny, and nate are already there spead out across the row so no one else can sit there but they let us sit by them. me and erica leave for a 2nd and them come back and gerard leaves really quick and i sit down where he was sitting on the floor next to ray.  there is  a sketch book with a kinda newly started face sketch and a bag next to it. ray starts going through the bag and mikey says he shouldnt becuase gerard will get mad, ray pulls out the book Heart Shaped Box and i tell him that I'm reading it too. ray finds some art supplies and says somthing about fixing the drawings eyebrows and im giggling but tell him to stop beucase gerard will get mad. gerard gets back and sits on the other side of me, not caring im in his seat and asks if im reading the book too, i told him yes and then we were all walking through this hallway at school and there is a huge poster of some dude dressed like a chick climbing a rope and mikey and frank start laughing hysterically at its orange tube top. ian walks past and then we continue walking and we have to get something from a security room and we're really nervous and then im alone doing it and i see the poster again in a different spot and i sneak out a back door....then cassi called me and i woke up

I'm a pirate of feelings
Taking all from others and using them as my own
Hoarding their happiness and a treasure
My heart the chest locked tight
To not let any riches out.

Stealing from the rich
Steailng from the poor
Caring but forgetting what they've been through
And not sharing the emotions
Shut inside, false security

yea i dont really like it

Time and Place

There is a time for leaving
And a place for goodbyes
It doesn't feel right
Not yet
Not tonight.

The smiles and tears
And holding them back
We've gone this long without them
It's almost time to leave
But we'll be together til then.

Ignore what we're here for
And act like we have time
There's no reason to make this harder
We knew it was coming
Why wait any longer

There is a time for leaving
And a place for saying goodbye
It would have to happen someday
And maybe we'll see eachother again
And friends forever we remain.

well not really, just stuff i have to say.

has anyone heard marylin mansons, Mutiliation is the Most Sincere Form of Flattery yet? pft, about hating my chemical romance, he is so dumb, he is such an attention seeker.

pete wentz beating some dude up=awesome that guy is such an idiot but he makes me chuckle so i have decided i luv him a skosh of a skosh currently

last day of school=awesomest of awesome it was sooooooooooooooooooooo fun and i luv everyone

You say you're passing us by
We're just living in the moment
Go ahead and live you life
We'll be right here waiting when you're done
Still singing the same songs
Still laughing at the same jokes
We're so far behind you'll wish you were us
Your fun is only memories
And ours is still lasting
Quality over quantity
Friendship is love
Our life is a continuous freeze-frame jump
And we never have to puase or repeat
While you're stuck rewinding from fast-forwards
We're just living in the moment

This might just be a waste of time

but there's no one i'd rather waste my time with than all my best friends so start the car up

we'll all take turns but not for the worst we're all 'has beens' and 'never weres' and we're all in the back singing 'roxanne' just watching life pass us by. pass us by.

as if we cared

enought to try to catch up

enough to make up for lost time

we've been down we've been out we've been hanging 'round

tip our glasses to having no direction

start the van

get me out of this one horse town

waste the night

     "Please, please promise me you will try to be okay" Matt said, letting go of hugging me, "I can't stand to see you like this and I really hope you can be happy. Really think about what I said." It was a warm Chicago night as Matt and I sat at a small table on the roof of the apartment where he lived.  The roof was an open spot for anyone who lived in the apartment but not many people took advantage of it besides us and one of the elderly women who lived down the hall from him.  She would come up occasionally when we were here and pick weeds from the many potted plants and straighten up any 'lawn' decorations. 

       The roof was like a secret garden where only the select few were allowed and I loved it.  Matt was never crazy about it but since the first time he showed it to me I fell in love and always wanted to spend time there whether it be alone or with him. It was the most beautiful place I had ever been.  Most of the time we spent there was in the late hours of the day and we always got to see the sunset, watching the light go down over the jagged tower outline of the city, the view seemed endless but the time was always limitted, that's what made it so special.  Besides its beauty the other thing that made it special was that it was our spot.  On our fifth date he had taken me up to the roof for a nice dinner to watch the sun set, this was the first time he told me he loved him, I didn't even believe him at first, the whole date had been so story book perfect but now we had been going out for the past year and a half.  He loved me, I loved him, however, I hated myself. 

       Now there was nobody I could ever really talk to before I met Matt and even once I did I couldnt really dig deep into my emotions and tell him everything. I couldnt tell him about the depression. I couldn't tell him about the cutting. I couldn't tell him about all the suicidal thoughts.  It was in the lowest pits of depression that I started believing that he didn't really care about me, that he was probably off with some other girl while I was at home alone, or that everything he had ever told me was a lie.  I lied to him pretending to be happy, why should he be any different lying about loving me?  I never shared these thoughts with him, I was never a very emotional 'share your feelings' type of person and I didn't want him to see all my flaws the way I did becuase I was afraid he would leave me.  Today was the day I finally told him everything.

      We were hanging out in his room and watching the movie Garden State.  I never thought a person could love someone so much for barely knowing them.  I wondered what happened after the movie ended, did they stay with eachother forever? Did they break up over something silly? These were the questions I wanted to know, I wanted to know them after most movies but I never asked them becuase the end of movies were always the end. And there wasn't anything else.  As the credits rolled down the screen and with his arm wrapped around my shoulder Matt leaned over and kissed my cheek, "I'd stay for you." he whispered. Corny right? For most guys it probably was, but not Matt, he was a hopeless romantic and anyone could see it was no act.  No, Matt wasn't some tough guy out to lay as many chicks as he could in high school, he was the exact opposite.  He was sensitive by nature after growing up in an apartment with his mom, aunt, and younger sister.  His father had died at a young age and most of the people in his life were female.  He also often spent the summer at his grandparents house with his younger sister where their very old fashion, very proper grandmother would teach them both the rules of edict and how to be polite in every manor.  She taught them that a man was supposed to write love songs and romantic poems, whe taught them that women would fall in love after a single line, she taught him how to be a gentleman and that he was.  He was perfect, like a boy from some high school 'romantic comedies'(otherwise known as chick flicks), he had the personality, the looks, but not the right girl. I was no where near perfect, if I would be anywhere near the movie he starred in all I would be is the person watching or maybe an extra at the school dance where he falls in love.  It confused me so much why he was with me. I was a quiet, very shy girl, and as I mentioned, very depressed. He always brought out the best in me but I felt I always failed him and let him down.  "I'd stay for you too." I said, kissing him back, "want to go up to the roof?" I asked, it was a very common question since I always loved being up there.  He of course agreed and we held hands as we walked up seven flights of stairs to the top of the building.

      He opened the door for me and as soon as he did the glare of the bright sun hit our eyes, the sunsetting directly before us and covering us in its warmth on this cool, fall, night.  Most nights it was just cool enough to wear a light hoodie or jacket, today I decided to slip mine off, not realizing that I would be leaving my scratched,cut arms in plain view.  We sat down at the small table in the corner, the place we always sat, noticing Matt looking at my wrists, I decided it was now or never.  He was looking at them, trying not to stare, trying to figure out if what he was seeing was real.  There were many faded pink lines on my wrist but there was one darker, recent cut, as recent as two nights ago. I caught his eye and miserably told him every thing.  He was upset. I was upset that he was upset.  It ended with my crying while he embraced me and told me how much he loved me. I didn't believe that he could actually love me after all this. That kind of love only happened in movies.  If this were our movie this would be the ending.  Him telling me one last time; "Please please promise me you will try to be okay. I can't stand to see you like this and I really hope you can be hpapy. Really think about what I said." and we would kiss and he would take my hand, noticing the late time, and lead me back inside and then walk me home and I really would be okay. Instead he said the same words but that's not what followed.  He did hold my hand though, and he went to lead me inside but I held back.  "I'm just gonna wait a lil while up here," I said, wiping my tear streaked face.  "Okay. I'll be waiting." He sighed and slowly walked inside.

       I walked to the edge of the roof where I had stood many times, looking over the horizon with a thin line of orange still visible.  The outline of the buildings was perfect and the small amount of light hit everything so beautifully.  This was the closest I had ever been to the ledge, it was the best thrill besides the knife, the biggest realese.  "I'll stay for  you." I whispered closing my eyes. I lied. I put my left foot forward and out and let myself drop.

wow, i zoned out a lot today and i mean a lot a lot.

in intermediate comp we watched Finding Forrester and i zoned out through the middle, in world history not too much, in german basically the whole time we were in there so i missed most of bugs life, at lunch, eh kinda the beginning, webdesign no, chemistry kinda, activity period most of it.

i dont know why, zoning out is strange, i wasnt really thinking of anything ya know. yes.

• Oreos
• commericals
• taco bell
• mushrooms
• pancakes
• fire
• woot
• fosters home for imaginary friends
• scrubs
• jared leto
• 30 seconds to mars
• lord of war
• world of warcraft
• math
• guns, bombs, weapons
• evenesence
• calculaters
• guy love
• mrs popelka
• compasses
• smarty pants
• aliens
• shoulders
• ipods
• v for vendetta
• ping pong
• binders
• activity period
• chemistry
• swords
• walgreens
• white out
• play dough

ah yes. the last few days of school are killing me!!!
this is how today went

morning: did morning stuff, aaron wasnt there

Intermediate comp: watched grease, helped staci study for world history exam(helped her remember who dufu was by singing "everybody was dufu writing") read a lil of Heart Shaped Box

World History: finished watching animal farm, wrote test essay on animal farm, read a bit of Revolution on Canvas 2

German: watched Bugs Life in german and ate small amounts of popcorn, thought a lot about ana for some reason...

Lunch: did lunch stuff, talked to libby and cassi. oohhh and told them about my fun time in the hallway which i will write here. k so u no how in movies music starts playing randomly at diff times. i think u understand, well i always wished that would happen to me and as i walked out of world history a guitar starts playing, i turn around and its jack walking down the hall playing guitar, as i turn the corner it stops and then starts again, happens at the next corner too, then as i walk up the stairs it starts fading. o i was happy

web design: talked to libby til we started presentations, none were funny at all. her brothers ended lame. "thanks to howard and no thanks to libby...wait....nope still no thanks to libby

chemistry: cleaned out lab drawers, learned stuff, did worksheet, talked to ian before he took the test and borrowed him a calculater.(first time talking to him since i told him i liked him<which shouldnt be a big deal becuase he already knew> and yes it was slightly but barely akward)

home: was bored is bored is leaving to babysit

yes.

hmmmm i got volume two today....i read the first story by justin pierre and i do love how honest he is and how much he can reveal about his real life and his probelms and just yea....but i did NOT need to hear about a "floppy penis and bone dry vagina" no no no no no no no!!!! i don't want to think about that. never. ever. ever. if some how magically justin were to find these or know my exact thoughts about this: JUSTIN NO! I dont want to know that aspect of your life EVER!

yikes, hm, new yikes. my brother, 11 years old probably drove our suburbian while we were gone, crashed part of it and left a huge dent and almost crashed into the garage. DUMB ASS.

so yesterday cassi and erica came over(for the first time in forever) and left around that time, a little bit after I started feeling really really sick but i couldnt sleep even though i was tired.  i went on the computer and started talking to ian. right before logging off i told him that i liked him. he replied saying that he knew i like him but didn't know why i was telling him. i then tried going to sleep. i could not. i tried listening to my mp3player to help me go to sleep. well that reminded me that it was due time for a shitty poem or two. then i continued listening to my mp3 player. brighteyes, bayside, and then i turned jamestown story, patent pending, my chemical romance, taking back sunday, the used, bright eyes. i tried to sleep again. i could not. after hours of restlessness i fell asleep at like 4-4:30 am. although i was extremly tired i woke up at 6 and then 7 and then 8, after 8 i couldnt fall back asleep but i wasnt ready to be awake. i watched edward scissorhands. since then i have done nothing and accomplished nothing. i felt like writing and couldnt really think of anything to write so i didnt. i listened to patent pending, blind melon, and fall out boy. i slept some more. i looked at six pencils, blended the lines i had drawn with them and then erased them., i looked around randomly online. i wandered around the house looking at all of leahs bday presents, i attempted reading and coudlnt concentrate. i slept for a little while longer, repeated the process and then actually could read, only like 3 chapters of Heart Shaped Box. i wasnt really feeling into it. my mom said she would take me to the bookstore to return a book i dont want and possibly get the new revolution on canvas but she didnt. now im doing nothing, extremly tired but i shouldnt sleep becuase i will just wake up in an hour or so and then not be able to sleep all night. i shoudl also be doing my review for my big world history test tomarrow but alas, i will not. you know. i thought the response from ian was pretty lame at first, i wasnt really expecting anythign more than that though anyway. im not really dissapointed. im not really angry sad let down anything like that. it was a useless thing to say and if anything i am just the slightest bit upset with myself for being lame and stating such a pointless thing. i really dont care though, it doesnt really change anything. and i did figure out why i told him becuase i wasnt really quite sure the other day.
1). i for one would love someone to tell me if they liked me, if that were to ever happen, even if i didnt like the person back its still a huge compliment and since its something i would appreciate knowing im sure he would to
2). i have enough shit in my mind and since some of it isnt coming out too soong i might as well just get that out. little did i know that that brought a whole slew of new thoughts into my head although i have yet to discover them i know they must be there and that is why im tired but cant really sleep or doing anytihng
again today i really dont feel well, i didnt most of yesterday actually it just was really bad at night. i have no idea why i dont feel good and it sucks. i mean it would be different if i had some idea why and i guess on some level i do. see when you dont eat your body goes in to keitosis which means it starts shutting itself down. i did that ehh.....wednesday was i think the last time i did it and before that was last saturday and thursday maybe but once i eat it has to kinda get back into the swing of thigns again and i have been only eating a little the last few days and yesterday and today all i had was a small roastbeef sammich and a peice of cake. maybe its the junk food, but even before i ate today i wasnt feeling well.

on another note. it would be totally awesome of you to go read the short story i wrote. its in 5 parts. i tried really hard on it and wrote it throughout friday and saturday. please read and comment.

blablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablabla

im bored.

but then after falling asleep around four in the morning you will wake up at eight in the morning and start laughing like donnie does in the end of donnie darko, kinda that insane laugh like you dont give a shit, and you really kinda wont cuz it doesnt really matter

then you will spend the rest of the day laughing at stupid things and trying to entertain yourself

and patent pending will help you.

im pretty stupid.

it's not a great idea to tell the person you like that you like him just to take a fucking chance since you dont even see him anymore anyway. especially if he has a girlfriend(even if she does treat him like shit and is a whore).

my advice. dont do that. becuase it will end up making you look and feel very stupid and you will get the response of        " it wasnt stupid, and i knew you did like me, even though i wont reveal my sources, and i dont know why your telling me either" and then yea. dont do that.

heehee fuck.

I suddenly dont feel very good and I don't know why. that sucks. like I dont know what would be making me not feel good and thats upsetting.

either way, if your bored wana go read the 5 parts of the short story i wrote. i'd really really appreciate it, i think its pretty good, at least i hope it is.

so i found a bunch of dave matthews music saved to my computer and i got really upset...then i deleted it becuase i hate him

that movie Shes the Man is really akward and lame....especially the end. "prove your a boy" *boy pulls down pants*   "prove your a girl" *girl lifts up shirt* im ashamed amanda bynes, wherever you are, but i pity that sorry excuse of a movie. frowns all around :(

     I'm sure my eyes were filled with hate as his always were when he was yelling and blaming me, he stared blankly at me as if this wasn't even happening and as I lunged towards him two cops grabbed my arms and held me back. As I kicked the air violently trying to break free of their grip I was lifted from the ground and I continued screaming and yelling at the person in front of me.  He continued to see through me as though I wasn't there, "I hate you!" I screamed, now crying, everything I had built up from the years of physical and emotional abuse, my tough persona was breaking beyond repair, "I hate you! I want to kill you! I'm going to kill myself! Why would you do this to me? It's not my fault mom left! Why do you hate me so much?  I HATE YOU!" yelling, sobbing, and kicking the air all at the same time, "This is your fault, its your fault I'm so fucked up!".  The cops were still trying to hold me back as I screamed, they tried to calm me down.  "Come on, we're going now Shawn..." they informed me, now speaking as if they were actually going to help me, as if I wasn't in trouble but now I was the victim.  The two who were holding me back started bringing me to the door of our apartment with me still shouting all that I had wanted to say to my dad since my mom left, I was screaming at her too, even though she wasnt there. 

      She was never there, niether was he, no one was ever there for me, the only people in the world that I had were Ana and Mark and I'm pretty sure Mark didn't really care, I was just another stranger he hung out with even though he had seemed to be more of a father figure to me than anyone else. I wish I could talk to Ana right now, tell her I'm sorry for scaring her, tell her I'm sorry for being such a fuck up.  She put up with all my drug use and drunkness and loved me through all of it.  The worst thing she did was smoke ciggarettes, I have no idea what she sees in me, maybe she pities me, im such a charity case.  She had to be sick of me by now, she was the only person I ever really told all of my problems to, she was the only one who really knew me and I had scared her away, probably for good this time.

      "Just let me get my everywhere bag!" I cried, "Just let me get my fucking bag!" as they dragged me out the door.  They didnt stop. They didn't let me go back for my bag and they dragged me to the downstairs lobby. Ana was there talking to another officer.  "Ana I'm sorry!" I yelled, "Tell them to let me go, I love you!" I had never meant it more than I had at that moment,
      "I can't Shawn." She replied, tears in her eyes but she wasn't crying anymore although I could tell she had been becuase of her red cheeks and tear streaked face, the sadness in her eyes was unbearable to look at. She must hate me. "They're gonna take you to get help Shawn. I had to tell them everything, I'm sorry." she looked down as if she were ashamed she had told them my secrets.  I struggled to break free of their strong arms, "Just let me say goodbye" I pleaded.  They realized my pain and escorted me to her, not letting me free.  "They said they might take you to a physciatric hospital Shawn. I swear it's for the best." she said softly, I couldnt be angry at her,
      "No, I cant......why Ana???"
      " It will be better for you, you really need help and I care about you too much to let you waste your life away like this!" she said unbelievably like this was somthing I should know. What a motherly thing to say, 'i care about you too much to let you waste your life away like this'. I guess she really did care on some level.  "And I promise I will come visit you as soon as I can." she said hugging me, I couldnt hug her back, as soon as she let go they started dragging me back out the door, sobbing I said goodbye and put my head down, embarrassed and ashamed at the horrible scene I was making for all the residents of our apartment to see. 

     Skirbish opened the back door to one of the cop cars and buckled me in, "Sorry kid, you know this is for the best." he said with sadness in his eyes, I wondered if he actually cared or if it was his job to act that way.  I wondered if I was the first kid he ever saw in such a situation or if I was just another faceless messed up teen.  The cop in the drivers seat turned to me, it was the original cop who I had punched in the face, a little blood surrounded his nose and he said, "You didn't have to make it this hard, we are just trying to help you." he turned back around and started the car as Skirbish got in and as I looked out the window leaving, I saw Ana outside, crying and waving to me.  I really hoped she would keep her promise of coming to see me, but I really wouldnt blame her if she didnt. A few officers were outside Marks house, one was talking to Mark who would surely being arrested for drugs as well as being questioned about me and the whole situation.  He stared at me as if he was seeing me for the first time, I could tell he was high or drunk or some combination of both, he was calm though.  He was one person who knew how to control himself and keep calm in any situation whether he was out of it or completly sober.  I wish I had that much control, then maybe I wouln't be in this mess, maybe if I had more control I wouldnt be riding in the back of a cop car headed for a physciatric hospital, or maybe my mom would have never left us...if only I had more control, or maybe if I had the same smart decision making skills as Ana, then I would have chose not to get into bad stuff, or maybe I would have chose to tell someone about my dad before it got this far out of hand. If only.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me what you think of this entire story. I worked really really hard on it and tried to write really good, I know the ending might not be the best but please give me as much constructive critisizm, ideas, whatever as possible on how to improve it. tell me what was good and what wasnt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks.

      They walked me over to the sink and directed me to put my head down even though it already was.  An officer used the spray hose thing used for washing dishes and pointed it upward towards my eyes to start rinsing them of the spray.  It hurt horribly, it felt like my eyes were on fire but at least the pain was going down a little.  I feel as though I had given up becuase now I was surrounded by cops, letting them help me, not swearing or fighting back in anyway. The worst part of the whole thing is that my dad was right there and he didnt care in the least.  I don't know why it was such a suprise to me, there have been countless number of times when he didnt care when other parents would have, good and bad.  From school events to drinking he didn't care and if he showed any emotion to me at all it was anger and blame.  He should be blammed for once, I hope the cops would recognize this and take it easy on me, how could they see a man watch his son get wrestled down by a group of police and not do anything or react in the least.  Sure he was probably drunk off his ass but that shouldn't be an excuse.  I suddenly felt the sudden urge to attack him. Now with the stinging sensation softening in my eyes and the cops loosening up from around me I had an opportunity, I could go back and grab my everywhere bag and run away or I could go and show my dad how angry I was.  If I were to run away I probably wouldn't make it far out the door if even out of the room, there were at least seven cops in the place. If I gave my dad what he deserved that wouldn't be much better, surely it wouldn't put me in any better of a situation but it would make me feel a hell of a lot better. 

       I took too long fantasizing about escaping and Skirbish told me that now we had to go. Suprisingly they hadn't hand cuffed me, but I guess that's becuase my hands were supporting my body against the sink, I hadn't realized that my eyes were feeling much better.  I often get lost in my thoughts in the strangest times, the times when it's most important to pay attention to the subject at hand.  During tests in school I thought of hanging out with Ana, while the cops were lecturing me about not taking drugs I was thinking of shooting up, and now as the cops were about to take me away I was thinking about escaping and not realizing what was happening.  I don't know why I do this, it's not like it is some crazy effect from the drugs, I was like that even as a kid, I just can't concentrate on important things, maybe it's my own messed up way of dealing with or ignoring a problem. After all, if you dont realize there is a problem then there isn't, right?  It wasn't just me that noticed my akward mind drifts, teachers have told numerous times that I need to get out of my head and pay attention in class, and I'm not saying that everyone doesn't get like this but it just seems to happen at the worst or strangest times for me.  I was once engaged in a serious and intresting conversastion with Ana at her house.  After a while of intesnse debate and talking I zoned out, thinking of things completly unrelated, and when I came out of the somewhat trance Ana was saying my name and asking me what was wrong.  Nothing was wrong, I was just living in my head again, my life in my head is much better than my real life on Earth, things are easier in my head and much more intresting.  It is in my head that I can escape my dad and my absent mom, I can escape the drugs and drinking, I can escape the cops, I can escape myself.

      I snapped back into reality as Skirbish turned of the water and instructed me to put my hands behind my back, did he really think I was going to give in now?  They completly attacked me but becuase they had helped me after nearly setting my eyes on fire I was supposed to forgive them and make their job easier? They dont know me very well. When faced with a situation such as this I do my worst. Irrational thoughts, violents, and revenge overtake me, this was no exception.  I kept my hands exactly where they were on the edge of the sink and replied with a firm no.  "Haven't you learned yet kid?" he asked, "There is no getting out of this." I think in a way he did actually feel sorry for me, not becuase my mom had left us, not becuase my dad was terrible, and not becuase I was wasting my life away but because he pittied my stupidity and my inability to handle serious events normally and easily.  He felt sorry because he thought that he is soo much better than me, he doesn't even realize that I have probably experiance much more in my seventeen years than he has in his whole fucking lifetime. "Dont tell me what to fucking do!" I shouted, hair dangling in my face, still over the sink, "You dont fucking know me!"  He wasn't about to let me get away with this again, there was no slightly good cop any more.

      He grabbed my arms forcefully and jerked them behind my back, pulling out his handcuffs before I had a chance to get away. Click. That was the sound that let any hope of escaping this sick reality leave.  That was the sound of my defeat but this stupid kid couldn't just acknowledge what was best for him, he was too worried about being strong and he wasn't going to let this happen. I couldnt.  I kicked him in the shin and swore at him, I ran to the living room and starting yelling at my dad uncontrolablly, "You fucking Ass, what the fuck are you doing, this is all your fault!" I screamed, tears bordering my eyes, ready to fall at any moment, these words aren't something new to me, these are the words that have hurt me more than anything else, more than the pepper spray and beatings, these are the words I heard daily for years from my dad and now it was me yelling them back at him.  All the anger I had ever had at him that I had left inside and tried to destroy countless ways was coming out and if my hands hadn't been cuffed and police hadn't been holding me back I swear I would probably be beating him as he had beaten me for the last half of my life.  I had become my worst enemy, my worst nightmare, and the worst person in the world, I had sadly become my father.

      "I'm not a danger to anyone." I replied defensivly. I stood up, being tall for my age I was usually at eye level with adults, both officers towered over me.  "All we need to do is talk to you." the school cop, Skirbish I think, responded in a softer tone.  I could tell this was going to be a good cop - bad cop type situation, how typical. "Well that's just not going to happen." I said, pushing myself against the big cops shoulder as I walked between them to leave, would they let me get away with it if I acted tough. I doubted it but tried anyway.  He whipped around not two steps after I had done so and put his hand firmly on my shoulder.  "Don't make this hard on yourself kid," he orderd gruffly, "We aren't playing games this time."
      "Fuck you." I replied monotonly, his grip tightened, "Get the fuck off of me!" I yelled, his hand still in place he started trying to walk me out the door. "GET THE FUCK OFF ME!" I yelled, flailing my arms trying to force him off of me, this is when they realized I wasn't going down without a fight.

       I dont know why I decided to fight, it couldn't be such a big deal.  I have talked to cops millions of times before, experienced hours of extremly long lectures on drug use, and been in the back seat of countless cop cars.  Most of those things happend in that exact sequence too. The first time I had tried coccaine was one day in particular I will never forget.  It was Mark that first offered it to me, as he had most of the drugs I had used, He layed a thin line of it across his cluttered coffee table on a magazine with a picture of Jesus coming down from a UFO, typical Mark magazine.  He knew I was having a bad day and needed a new thrill, he took advantage of my low and offered me this poisen.  I accepted it gratefully as I put my head to the table and put a finger to my left nostril.  I had seen this many times before, and not like most teens.  Most people can say they've seen someone high or on drugs, most of those people are liars or they are speaking of some scene in a lame movie, completly unreal to life.  No, I had seen at least twenty different people do crack at this very spot and now it was my turn.  I had been offered it before but always declined, I never felt pressured to do anything, it was always fully my decision and today was the day I said yes.  I inhaled deeply through my nose as I slid my head across the surface.  Soon after the cops were there, I don't know how they knew but they did, they sat down and talked to me about what I had done.  Then they lectured me as other officers came and tried to find all the drugs they could, then I was handcuffed, along with Mark and three strangers, and we were taken to a local station.  I don't know why they let us out so soon, they probably didnt want to waste their time with us, not like the cops in our town had anything else better to do besides our drug busts and handing out tikets for j-walking.  I only did coccaine a few more times after that, I didn't like it as much as some of the other members of my drug family, it didn't do as much for me.

      I probably decided to fight back becuase I knew I hadn't actually done something wrong, I had scared Ana and I didn't mean to, I shouldnt get punished for this.  I decked the big officer in the face, a thin line of crimson blood trickled out and it got a little thicker after a moment, blood streaming down his face.  He tried grabbing both my arms to hand cuff me, Skirbish reached immediatly to call for backup.  There must have been more officers in the lobby downstairs talking to people around the apartment and across the street at Marks house becuase three more cops were soon upstairs.  I never stopped moving my arms, he would grab one and get it safely behind my back trying to catch hold of the other when I would swing back and hit him again, constantly screaming for him to fucking let go and to go fuck himself.  Skirbish tried helping him and I lifted my legs up to kick him, I couldn't let them take me away, I couldn't let them win this time.  When the other cops arrived the all tried to restrain me, I was now on the ground on my back, kicking my legs up in the air and not letting them get me on my stomach to restrain my arms behind my back. I didn't even see it coming, I felt the burn in my eyes before I realized what happened.  I wasn't crying but tears ran down from my eyes, it felt as if they had exploaded and were sizziling out of their very sockets and I screamed louder than I ever had before. One, loud, painful cry slowed me down and my hands flew to my face trying to magically get the pepper spray out of my eyes.

      I didn't see the cop coming from a random direction with the can of mace in his hands.  It appeared above my head and I ignored it as I focused on fighting off the other officers.  Or maybe I just hadn't seen it well becuase my glasses had fallen off in my struggle.   Either way it stung more than anything else and hurt like hell. An officer tried prying my hands from my face as I continued yelling profanities, "We need to put water on it." he informed me angrily, "Move your hands now!" He finally loosened my hands and I saw the blurry outline of Skirbish holding a glass of water close to my surely red face.  He told me we needed to poor water on it to prevent perment damage and that this was the only way it would hurt less as I swung my head violently in all directions, wishing, hoping, praying to a god I didn't believe in, that the pepper spray would be miracously lifted by my actions. He gently tilted the cup allowing a small trickle of water to fall into my right eye, this made it burn more but hurt less.  A cop helped me up and tried walking me to the kitchen.  I think I saw a cop trying to talk to my dad about what was happening.  I faintly heard his voice ramble on about how he didnt care what was happening and it wasn't his problem.  Maybe this was why the cops were now helping me, they knew he didn't care and they felt sorry for me, or they knew they could get busted for police brutality if they didn't calm down on some teenager half their size and a third of their age.  I remember wanting to be a police man when I was younger, boy if I ever got into a position above these guys I would consider this police brutality, but then again if I was a cop I would be stiff, asshole and wouldn't care about some stupid teenager anyway.

       I walked back to my room shutting the door hard behind me, I hear my dad groan in the other room and mumble about too much noise.  There's a knocking at our door, I really did it this time, if the cops dont get me my dad surely will. Inside my room I know nowhere to hide.  If I was younger I would have thought of such immature places as my closet or under the bed, now there was no where.  My bag was still over my shoulders and for some reason my body pulled me towards my closet anyway as I heard the door to the apartment twist open and two sets of thick footsteps walk inside.
"Shawn Matthews"  a deep instructive voice called my name, the footsteps walked to the living room, "Sir, does Shawn Matthews live here?" the voice asks, "...Sir?" I'm sure my dad was sitting there, waving his arms noncoherntly mumbling something about not bothering him or questioning what I did this time.  I reached to the back of my closet, trying not to make a sound, I was looking for something I knew was not there, I had just tried to use it, that's why they were here in the first place.  I found the old wood box with a hole in the very center of the cover, there was no small black gun inside, faded from hours of touching it, imagining what it would be like, the gun was across the street at Mark's house, the house I had just ran away from.

      I was, as I mentioned, a teen with a messed up family, messed up friends, and a messed up mind.  I was becoming as much of an alcholic as my dad, smoked a pack of ciggarettes a day, and was a pothead, on top of all that, I'm depressed.  Usually I can control the feelings, usualy holding the gun and imagining the world without me, my body without life is enough to keep me from blowing my brains against the ceiling. Today was not one of those days.  I had been extremly depressed the last week for no reason known to me, well besides the obvious.  My girlfriend, Ana, and I were doing great, she didn't have as much problems at me and she wanted me to stop using, but that was it. For some reason I had the overwhelming urge to die.  Before I left for Marks house two days earlier I carefully took the gun out as I had many times before, only this time, I put it in my everywhere bag and left with it.  I didn't show Mark, Ana, or the countless nobodies who hung out with us, I kept it in the bag for the last two days as I crashed on his couch.  I woke up this morning, earlier than usual, maybe five, and decided that this was it.  My life was about to end.  That's when Ana walked in, cell phone in hand.  Only three numbers were hit, only thirty seconds before sirens started, only thirty seconds before I started running back across the street to my 'home'.

      I was going to kill myself.  I suppose Ana could have thought I was about to shoot her as well, though I would never do such a thing, she could have thought that I was going to go on a shooting rampaige as teenagers in the suppossed same state as me had previously through out time, but I wouldnt.  I had no reason, no want, no desire to hurt anyone, anyone but myself.  Now I was in the closet, searching frantically for some weapon that I knew was not there, hoping I was quiet enough to stay hidden from the police.  I didn't even know what they would do.  Would they just talk to me, ask me the standard questions, fine me for drugs?  I was a little high at the time. They could probably arrest me, although I dont see the point, but if they thought I was going to kill someone I guess it would be enough reason.  With no response from my father and having just seen me enter this apartmnt room they started walking to the first bedroom down the hall. Mine.

      I wondered what it was like for them to see an overweight kid, medium length, greasy, blond hair, with glasses and dark clothes sitting halfway in a closet, surrounded by boxes, clothes, and wearing an old dirty backpack over his shoulders look up at them and not say a word.  One cop was a tall skinny guy, bad haircut, I recognized him from the highschool, the few times I had shown up to school, as rent a cop like school police officer.  I could take him if I needed to.  The other was a tall bigger guy, big arms, could have been in the army.  He had a face made out of steel and as he glared down at me his deep rough voice inquired, "Are you Shawn Matthews?"  I looked up at him, trying to keep my mind from wandering as it often did in the most important situations. If I told the truth I would be in massive trouble, if I lied...well...that would just be pointless.  Rather than saying anything, I nodded my head, clenching my fists around me, wishing there was something to protect me.  "We're going to need to talk to you, we have reason to believe you are a danger to yourself, and thats the least of it, and everyone around you." They didnt care if a troubled young kid was about to kill himself, they just didn't want the slightest chance of anyone else, anyone important, anyone better getting hurt. That right there is what set me off.

      I sprinted across the street and over the cool grass, damp with morning dew barefoot towards the tall brick building.  Sirens were sounding in closer with every step as I neered the apartment, I guessed they were a block away.  Struggling to reach my key from the depth of my pants pockets my fingers sift through small bills, change, and loose matches before reaching their destination.  As soon as I feel the smooth key, bigger than an ordinary sized house key, i pull it out, ready to unlock the heavy brown door.  I scramble up the few cement steps and jam the key into the lock forcefully and pull it open, I have never moved so fast.  Immedialtly inside i turn quickly to the large carpted staircase and jog up the twisting, sharp, corners. Once reaching the top I push through the swinging door and speed down the hallway, breathing heavily I reach room number 321 and open the unlocked door. Entering the small two bedroom apartment I see my so called father half asleep on his huge, sunken in, chair in the living room.  Still breathing from the bottom of my lungs I shake my head and lean over, resting my hands on my knees and letting all my body weight fall upon my arms.  I lift myself up and go the few short feet to my room, kicking dirty clothes and silver, crunched, beer cans out of my way.  I lay down on my bed and think of what I have to do, unfortunatly I hear the annoying buzz of our rooms 'doorbell' at the front door.  It sounds as if a peice of metal is going through the jagged grooves of the gears of some disasterous machine, first one short buzz, after ten second pause there is another long buzz, whoever is calling for me is holding down the button.  I sit up frantically and grab my open backpack from the corner.  It has a few pairs of jeans inside, wrinkled and stained with dirt.  It also holds four messy t-shirts, nothing in the bag has been washed in a long time and have been sitting in the bag for longer than I can remember.  It's my everywhere bag.

       When I was younger and my family moved a lot the one thing that always felt like home wasn't a blanket or stuffed animal as a usual kid would have, but instead it was this backpack.  It started out a plain, dark blue, Jansport backpack, crisp and clean.  At age eight my family and I moved from a Calfornia to Wisconsin, even though I was young and barely had any friends I felt as if my world was being torn apart.  We had to drive days to get to our new house and my grandfather had boughten me this bag to keep a few things with me in the car.  I remember going to pack my things that day, grumbling I threw my favorite toys and clothes inside.  It seemed bottomless, I could fit everything inside besides my house and everything else I would be leaving behind, all my memories couldn't fit in the bag even with its botomlessness.

       Now I use my everywhere bag for spur of the moment nights spent at friends, or strangers houses.  My dad is a terrible drunk, constantly in a mixed state between sober and drunk, his words had been permently slurred.  He yelled at me ever since my mom left us when I was ten, he blamed me for everything.  He blammed me for the divorce, he blammed me for him loosing his job, he blammed me for us going broke, he blammed me for becoming an alcoholic, and he blammed me for all the other problems that occured in our lives.  My mother left him for her high school sweetheart who was still madly in love with her and was now loaded, you think she would have had the decency to bring her son with rather than leave him in the care of his angry father, but she didnt.  Instead she left me here alone to defend myself against all of dads angry, violent, rants, beatings, and blame.  As soon as she left his drinking problem worsened and he lost his job for coming into work drunk too many times.  After loosing his job he couldnt seem to pull himself back up and I watched him spiral doward into an endless pit of drunken madness, everything he did to me was sought revenge against my mom.  All the drinking could wash away his memories of his ex wife but I was always there to remind him of what once was and he couldn't stand it.  Sick of being abused by him I began staying with friends frequently.  I never had the best choice of friends.

       In middle school I got sucked into the wrong crowd, the crowd of druggies, thiefs, and addicts of every other sort.  You name a dysfunctional lifestlye, I've met one.  Herion, crack, I know all the druggies, kids addicted to sex, satanist, theifs, run aways, drunks, abusers, and the abused, these are the people I surrounded myself with.  One would think a kid with such a shitty home life wouldn't want a such a shitty away from home - life too, I didn't, these people understood me.  Some were older and some were younger but they all had something wrong with them and I thought there was somthign wrong with me too, I had after all, supposedly caused my parents break up and every other life obsticale.  The people I hung out with made me feel at home but loved, some of them I thought would do anything for me, I found out they just had anger issues and if somone messed with their friend they would gladly beat the shit out of them.  They offered me ways to forget all my problems, I accepted the opportunity and it began to destroy me. 

     Now I keep my everywhere bag handy, I use it multiple times a week and usually stay with other people more than in my own home.  I threw a few more items of clothing and a box of chips inside the bag before zipping it and heading towards the bathroom to find my inhaler.  Yes, I am a druggie that needs an inhaler, ironic isn't it?  I take a puff of marjuana and then right after a puff of my inhaler, maybe thats what earned me the nickname Big Puff, either that or it was becuase I was fat.   I shuffled through drawers in the bathroom, the sirens were right outside the building and there was pounding on a door down stairs.  Relieved that I hadn't buzzed back to let somone inside I found my inhaler and headed for the door.  Upon reaching the hallway I heard heavy footsteps rushing up the stairs at either end of the hallway, assumably the elevator had an officer inside it as well. With no where else to go, I turned back into the apartment and locked the door. I thought about pressing myself against the weak door to block anyone out but chose to hide instead. Bad idea, but then again I was known for my bad ideas and decisions.  My life long series of those are what landed me here after all.

I'm writing this short story after a true story, not mine, of a kid who lives in my grandmas apartment building.  I have no idea of his background or any of the detail but today seven cops came got him in the mornign, there was a huge fight, his dad didnt care or talk to the cops, and he was heard shouting "Fuck you, Im going to kill myself".  The cops are i belive taking him to a mental hospital or soemthing becuase his girlfriend called him in for suicidal thoughts and drug usage. this isnt finished, there will probably be up to five more journals about this, one more at the least, i duno. i duno about the title. comment on if its good and about the title or just your opinion. i hope you like it becuase i feel like some creative writing and this story intrigued me.