Yesterdays Pictures Are Old News

   Elli got home and went down to her room, she didnt know what to do.  What was it going to be like without having Bryan around, how was she going to keep going on her own when he was the only that made her life worth living? she didnt know. she tried to keep herself occupied by listening to music and writing, she didnt know what to write so she just wrote down every thought that popped into her had as it got there, at 6:30 the phone rang.  She walked slowly to pick it up, thinking it would be no one important, probably just someone for her parents.

"Hey, is Elli there?" a familar voice said quietly

"Bryan!" she exclaimed, it had been less than a day since she saw him but it felt like forever becuase of the circumstances, "Aw i Love you soo much!"

"I love you to Elli," he said, she could hear the sadness in his voice,

"is it horrible there, do you think its gonna be okay."

"eh it sucks so far, its the same old place plus now i have a 'hardcore scene kid' roommate and....they want to take away the braclette..."

"our braclette?" she asked scared, "they cant!"

"i know....i keep trying to talk em out of it, im gonna offer up my music er somthing..i duno"

"really...can they really take it?"

"yeah, but...lets just talk about somthing happy..."

"i duno anything happy.....oh....Matt and Jesse were wondering about you, but Jesse said somthing bout knowing where you were...he was being really weird"

"ignore Jesse, ignore whatever the fuck he says, you know the truth, i know what hes gonna do"

"what should I do?"

"just, just try to ignore him okay..you dont have to worry about defending me or anything"

"you think he'll tell people?"

"probably, he's an ass, you know that.."

"yeah..he was trying to like...ask me out er somthing to day..dont worry i didnt say yes."

"i know...i trust you, just try and stay away from him.  I love you."

"i love you too, so ... do you know when i can come and visit you?"

"i heard theres going to be a visiting day for non-family members next wednesday."

"but its only wednesday today!"

"i know..its only a week....we can make it"

"i know we can..but its going to suck."

"i know...trust me, i know."

"yeah.....god i just...i dont know what im gonna do without you all the time"

"they said it should be about three months before i get out..." he said quietly

"three months..thats like a life time!"

"i know...i know, god this sucks i hate it already! *yeah yeah, im hurrying, shut the fuck up!* Elli, i have to go, their being dumbasses and saying i can only have a few minutes to talk to you, apparently im not the only person here who needs to call people they love"

"oh....i love you, i'lll miss you, i'm sorry"

"watch out for yourself, i love you too, i'll see you wednesday"

"okay, see you wednesday..." she said, still holding the phone to her ear long after Bryan hung up. 

   "hows your little girlfriend?" Tyler asked mockingly, "does she miss you, is she crying a thousand emo tears?"

"shes not fucking emo, im not fucking emo, shut the fuck up tyler"

"My names not fucking Tyler....its my birth name, people call me Tye....it rythmes with 'die' you should like that emooooo"

"oh get over yourself"

"pf, wutever" he said turning over on his bed and putting on his headphones, Bryan wondered what music he was listening to, he wondered what 'hardcore scene' music he managed to get in, it was probably a bunch of attic demos and underground bands nobody had or ever will hear of.  It didnt look like there was going to be much conversastion so Bryan put his headphones on too and started listening to green day.  it was the best he was going to get in this place.  he lay on his bed running his fingers over his braclette and thinking of Elli.  Why had he got himself into this mess, he felt like he would never see her again.

  "who the hell is that?" Bryan asked rudly

"First of all bud, we like to keep a posative view around here so try and refrain from language like that, and 2nd of all that would be your roomate Tyler."  Tyler didnt look over at them, he continued staring at the ceiling as if he he didnt even know they were in the room.

"yea i got that, i didnt have a roommate last time" he said rolling his eyes

"ooh so your a second-timer, well, we've decided to start trying roommates here, we used buddy-system type of deals before and we're gonna take em a step higher here, its been working out great so far."  he sounded like an infomerical

"i dont want a roommate." Bryan said shortly as if it mattered what he wanted

"well sport, your mom said that she didnt mind you having one and unless she says otherwise your gonna be having a roommate, but im sure you'll grow to like Tyler, he's a good guy, right Ty?"  Tyler looked over, and then turned and looked back at the ceiling without saying anything,  "He's just a little shy at first." Nick said happily, "well i have to go confrence with your mother and a few other people here so i will leave you two to get aquanted, oops almost forgot we gotta do the bag check" he hadnt forgotten, he was just dragging it out until the last possible second.

"you really dont need to check it, you think im stupid enough to bring stuff here" bryan said, he realy didnt have any he just hated having his stuff messed with

"now you know i cant do that bud, it will be fine."

"stop with the nicknames, if you call me anything call me Bryan" he said thrusting his bag forward onto the empty bed.  Now Tyler turned his head, his attention on the black and white checkered Dickies backpack.

"Sorry Bryan" Nick said unzipping the bag carefully and dumping its contents cautiously onto the bed. He searched through the few articles of clothing inside and once he found them acceptable he started a pile elsewhere up on the bed, then he went on to the cd's, "Now, we have a list of cds that are not allowed in the building, so i will have to check these" Nick said infromativly, lookin inside each case and checking the titles of each cd.  He had from first to last, my chemical romance, fall out boy, motion city soundtrack, the used, and then i turned seven, chiodos, and patent pending in one pile and ok go, hellogoodbye, greenday, 30 seconds to mars, and the hush sound in another.  Holding the first pile Nick said "Sorry, we cant let you have these with you"

"What?!?! thats a load of shit!" Bryan said without hesitation, they couldnt take his music away

"again with the language Bryan, and its not my desicion." he put the 2nd pile of cds in the same pile as the clothes and put the first pile in a big plastic bag, they considered Bryans beloved cds garbage.

"thats FUCKED up." Bryan said swearing purposly to piss of the guy.  Tyler smirked to himself at this,

"Wristbands and bracletts gotta be taken too" Tyler reminded Nick pointing at Bryans wrist.  He had been covering the cuts that were starting to fade with a nightmare before christmas wristband and on the other was his best friends braclett, no, Elli's best friend braclette.

"oh right, thanks Tyler" Nick said, "okay, i gotta take those too" and he put his hand out as if to collect them. 

"you can have the wristband" Bryan said sliding it off to reveal the cut marks, "but you cant have the braclette."

"its policy, i need to take it."

"i cant give it to you, i cant take it off" bryan said covering it with his opposite hand protectivly

"well we can help you get it off, its not allowed."

"why not" his hand still covered it

"becuase we dont want anything you could use to hurt yourself or cover marks that you could make by hurting yourself." Nick said matter-o-factly

"yeah well i gave you the wrist band but i cant give you the braclette, its my girlfriends and i said i wouldnt take it off. take something else instead."

"i cant break policy Bryan, you need to please give it to me,"

"OH COME THE FUCK ON! i'll let you check my fucking wrist every hour if you want, im not gonna do anything i just want my braclette, take something else of mine."

"i'll let you have it for now and i will trt to talk to someone about it" nick said, "but i doubt you'll be able to keep it"

"fuck that, im keeping it no matter what"

"okay..whatever you say Bryan" Nick said, that was another he hated about this place, everyone loved to use names.  Nick continued searching the bag, nightmare before christmas fleece blanket was suprisingly allowed(even with its supposedly morbid theme), his cd player was allowed along with the journal, pad of paper and envalopes, an old gameboy with a few(nonviolent) games and the trucker hat he barely ever wore but it was useful in avoiding eye contact with the employees and patients there if worn down over his face.  Things taken out were a few more cds, a few horror movies and a few pins that were on the bag, because you know he was gonna stab himself to death with the pins.   Nick took the bag of unacceptable items and excused himself to the confrence with Bryans mom and some other random people who worked there.

"so your emo?" Tyler asked casually as soon as Nick left

"no, im not, im nothing, i dont belong here." Bryan said shortly putting his stuff in the dresser drawers and desk provided for him.

"you seem emo" Tyler said

"im not, do you consider yourself emo?" Bryan said annoyed

"No im not a fuckin pansy gay ass emo kid, i'm hardcore, i'm scene." Tyler said

Whatever." Bryan said rolling his eyes, he was one of THOSE types, lets lable ourselves and get pissed if we arent referred to as what we want, scene is cool, emo is gay types.  this was going to be more hellish than Bryan imagined.  he was going to be stuck with a 'hardcore scene kid' for who knows how long without his bestfriend/girlfriend, or good music.

  Bryans mom parked the car in the hospital parking lot and got out of the car quickly.  Bryan grabbed his bag with his few belongs inside and got out slower, he was not looking foward to this.  The braclett was still in his hand, he had been holding it the entire car ride and had yet to put it on.  He did so as his mother and he walked towards the huge, plain building.  The outside looked nice, there was a grassy yard in front and he knew there was a garden in back, there was also a huge colorful sign reading "WECLOME" across it in bold fun letters, but he knew that inside through all the false security, through all the attempts to make it seem homie it was really a prison, a jail cell decorated nicely. 

   His mom was ahead of him and she opened the doors to the main lobby, "hurry up" she urged him, "we dont have all day." they did though, they had all the time in the world.  he continued walking at the same slow pace until he reached the doorway and he walked right past her inside.  Once inside the familar lobby he stopped and looked all around him, it was the same as it was the summer before.  The elderly lady working at the front desk was even the same one. 

"Well hello, and who might you be?" she asked cheerfully, Bryan said nothing,

"This is Bryan Carellsa" his mom said,

"Oh, I see, he's our latest visitor then" the said keeping the same cheerful tone and keeping the same fake plastered on smile on her face.

"more like prisoner" he muttered

"what dear?" the lady asked polietly

"Oh he's just talking to himself again" his mom fake laughed softly to herself, he could not stand the fakeness of this place.  why did they insist on pretending he actually wanted to be there. he knew that once he got adjusted and moved in it would be a litttle different, then it would be like this plus lectures and dissapointng looks and boring conversastions. most of the people seemed fake there too, half of them seemed like they really wanted to change and were ready, the acted like they were on some demented childrens show with their smiles and high-fives.  he couldnt stand it and he had barely arrived.                 A man entered the room, he was obviously an employee there but he seemed younger than the ones that Bryan had meet previously,

"Hey, I'm Nick." he said, not too dramatically, "let me show you your room"..jail cell, thought Bryan.  He followed Nick down a long hallway with doors on both sides, he knew what they were, private confrencing and doctors rooms.  the confrencing rooms were for the obvious, confrencing with patients and their family, confrencing with other doctors etc. the doctors rooms were like the rooms in a regular doctors office, they were to check for marks on patients or to check their weight and find out all that info for people with eating disorders and such.  At the end of the hallway it spread into another lobby like area.  There was a door to the right, it was the door that lead to another hallway full of more doors, only these doors were the entrences to male patients rooms.  Bryan knew this place like the back of his hand, two and a half months can do that to a person.  He continued following Nick and avoiding the small talk he was attempting with one answer remarks back.  "And here it is, room #444, your new home" Bryan hated fours, they were so akwardly shaped...they were the ugliest number, the thought, but thats probly why they put him there. Nick opened the door to the room and walked in.

   The room was basically the same as it was last time only now there was two of everthing, and there was a kid laying on one of the beds with his eyes open, staring at the ceiling, he had a stuffed rabbit clutched tightly in his fist.  what the fuck, thought Bryan, then he realized what it meant, they were sticking him with some crazy ass room mate.

  Matt and Jesse, the guys in the band with Bryan stopped Elli as she was walking home,

"hey do you know whats up with Bryan lately?" Jesse askedpushing the part of his blond hair that was pink out of his face.

"um.." Elli didnt know if she was supposed to tell the guys about Bryan, she figured she wasnt "what do you mean?" she asked acting confused

"you dont think he's been acting different lately?" Matt asked

"yea...we both  noticed it, he's barely talked to us the last few weeks" Jesse said looking straight into Elli's eyes, she kept the stare so that they wouldnt see through her lie even though it was akward

"um...i duno...i guess hes been a little different." she suggested

"rumors going round you two broke up" Jesse said

"...not that i know of" she said forcing a tiny laugh

"well...damn for me" Jesse laughed, "yeah, so have you seen him lately?" he asked.  That comment made Elli uncomfertable, did Jesse like her, damn why was stuff so confusing?

"eh...no not lately" she lied

"well if you see him tell him to get ahold of us okay, we gotta talk to him" Matt said

"yeah, and if you ever want to hang out er anything..you can get ahold of me" Jesse said with a smirk, what a weirdo, she couldnt believe that Bryan was friends with him, well he was friends with Matt and Jesse just happened to be in the band but still.  She remembered that Jesse and Bryan used to hate eachother before Matt got them into the same band, she knew Bryan didnt really like him but he never had shown it.

"uh..we'll i'll tell him that when i see him okay.  Bye Matt." she said trying to ignore Jesse's last comment. 

"Bye" both guys said, she walked past them and tried to make out what just happened.  She hopped that Bryan would be okay, she hoped the guys wouldnt find out if Bryan didnt want them to and she hoped Jesse would be less wierd if they met in the future.  She walked a few yards when she felt a tap on her shoulder,

"hey, whats up?" it was Jesse

"um...not much since we just talked like 2 seconds ago" she said, he was walking next to her, pretty closely

"why are you giving me the cold shoulder, what did i do?"

"i'm not giving you the cold shoulder at all." she said moving the opposite direction

"why wont you talk to me at all?" he asked, "so are you and Bryan fighting or somthing?"

"i am talking to you, and no we're doing just fine." she said pushing her doubts from earlier aside

"pft, your barely talking to me, hey wana hang out at my house?" he smirked

"uh...no..." she said, what the hell was his problem

"you sure...we can just watch a movie er get somthing to eat er somthing...it'll be a date"

"im already dating Bryan..."

"ah cmon, he wont know"

"just go away"

"come on..you know you want to...i heard he was at the hospital last night"

"where did you hear that?" she stopped in her tracks

"i know stuff..my dad was his doctor...i know where bryan is right now" he said

"....uh okay..then why are you bugging me?" she wasnt sure if he was lying or being honest, she hoped he was bluffing but she didnt want to take the chance

"cuz, nobody wants a crazy boy friend, he probably wont be out for a while you know...should get with me while the offers up"

"he is NOT crazy, fuck off"

"what ever, i cant imagine what he see's in you besides your hott, your a fucking bitch. last chance?" he said

"no thanks." she said and quickened her pace, staring straight in front of her and trying to ignore him, Jesse slowed down,

"Bitch!" he shouted, and turned and walked the other way.  Elli acted like she didnt care he had called her a bitch, she was really upset and felt shitty but she kept on going.  she was pissed at him, what kind of asshole hits on his bandmates girl friend the day he leaves for a hospital.  she was frustrated and hoped that Bryan was doing better than she was, she doubted it.

   Elli was left to walk home alone from the hospital, she felt like shit, she felt sorry for herself even though it was Bryan who was going through a harder time. His mom was sending him away...he had gone to a hospital for this before...she didnt understand anything. why he did it, why he didnt tell her, and why it was so hard for them to talk to eachother about their feelings, about the truth.  she wondered if they were right for eachother or if they were just wasting their time.

   Bryan continued to argue with his mom and doctor about leaving, he really didnt want to, eventually he fell into a worrisom sleep, exhausted from all the terrible things that had been happening lately.

   The next morning his mom drove him back to his grandparents house before going to the hospital,

"you know what to do, pack a few things and we're leaving" she ordered emotionless, she didnt care about him, she just wanted to get rid of him,

"yeah." he ran to the guest room he had been staying in and grabbed his bag, he wished he could run away again but now he had absolutly no place left to go.  he threw in a notebook and pen with his cd player and a few cds.  he knew the cds would probably be taken away from him but he brought them anyway along with a brush, his extra pair of glasses, and his bff braclet, he hoped that the hospital would allow him to have it even though it mentioned death.  He heard a knock on the door, "Come In" he yelled miserably, a few seconds later Elli showed up in his door way.

"hey," she said quietly, leaning against the door frame, she looked like she had no sleep at all, her hair was a mess and her make up was smeared, she was still in her clothes from the night before.

"hey," he said..."i dont really have time to talk about this right now hun"

"i know. i dont want to talk about it. i just want you to be okay."

"me too....whats up?"

"nothing....just promise me you'll try to get better..for me, for us?"

"i promise," he said walking to her and wrapping his arms around her waist, "i really really promise."

"im gonna miss you so much," she said moving in closer to him and putting her hands over his shoulders and in back of his neck, they were so close to eachother, when he was staying there they would be so far.

"im gonna miss you too" he said and he kissed her softly, she kissed him back, it was their first True kiss as a couple, not just friends.  Bryans mom walked in,

"I said pack your stuff, this is NOT packing your stuff!" she said angrily, Bryan moved back from Elli, his arms still around her,

"yeah, i know, im closin it up" he said staring her in the eye, his eyes went from sad and loving at Elli to angry and hateful towards his 'parental unit'.

"dont give me that look, get ur stuff and wer going, il be in the living room." and she walked out the door,  Bryan looked back to Elli,

"sorry bout her"

"yeah, its okay, i guess you should finish packing your stuff"

"im done, lets trade bracletts." he suggested

"what..why?" she asked confused

"i duno if they'll let me have mine in there, its says 'death' on it and yeah..part of the reason im goin there is they think i tried to die,"

"oh..." she said undoing the clasp on her braclett as he undid his, they exchanged.  "dont loose it" she said looking down

"i wont," he said looking at her, "i wont take it off for a second"

"good, try and call if you can"

"i will, i promise, i hafta go now tho" said staring into her eyes

"okay...bye." she said looking back, he kissed her again, "I love you"

"I love you too, bye" he said and let go of her, he picked up his bag and walked out of the room with his head hanging low, he couldnt look her in the eye again, he couldnt see her as he left.  His mom started out to the car and he followed, she started the car and they left.      Elli was left inside Bryans empty guest room with his braclett held tight in her hand, she got up and left, closing the door gently behind her.  She walked home, on the way she ran into Bryans friend from the band.

   The doctor finished his paperwork quickly, "im going to have to ask you to leave now miss" he said to Elli, she stared at Bryan and he looked to the doctor

"cant she stay for a little while longer?" he asked

"im afraid not, you two are lucky she was allowed in here at all"

"Bye Elli..." Bryan said

"what the fuck? no....no this isnt supposed to happen" she pleaded as if it would change anything, as if it was his choice

"i know..but maybe i can get better...maybe i can be how i always pretended i was" he said trying to be hopeful for the both of them, not even he believed himself

"if you belong there i do too!" she reasoned "i dont eat...i drink...."

"then i guess if you want to go there you would have to talk to your parents"

"but i dont belong there and nither do you"

"You really need to go now" the doctor instructed,

"fine! im going god......." Elli said to him, "Bryan, i'll visit you....i'll, i wish this wasnt fucking happening." and she got up and left without looking back at him.  she didnt know what she was going to do with out seeing Bryan every day, she didnt know if she could handle it. 

   Bryan watched Elli leave, sad and scared of what was going on, the next morning he was going back to the worst place of his life, it was worse than being home.  There was no real love there, nobody really cared it was all about work, any idea of emotion was fake. He couldnt bare to go back and he couldnt bare to be away from Elli for so long.  Hopefully his stay wouldnt be very long, hopefully it would only be a week or so.

before i start this i would just like to suggest the band Patent Pending to you, its gonna be mentioned in this one and it is an amazing band and im telling you there gonna be huge, well..big...well i just love em!

Elli was sitting curled up on the floor still not knowing what to do after Bryan left.  she was listening to "This Can't Happen Again" by Patent Pending, trying to calm herself down, so many thoughts were running through her head, he was in a worse situation than her yet she still felt shitty, the phone rang, she rushed to get it in hopes that it would be Bryan calling to tell her that everything was going to be okay, she knew he didnt usually call becuase he hated phones but she knew he wanted to talk about it even if she wasnt sure.  "Hello?" she said clearing her voice, it was still shakey

"Hi dear, is this Elli?" it was Bryans grandma Franny

"uh..yeah....hi" she answered, confused

"do you think you could get a ride to the hospital dear? Bryan wants to see you...there's been an...incident"

"what kind of incident????" Elli said paniced, what had he done...did he cut again..what was going on?

"i dont think i should tell you over the phone. just can you make it hear, i could have Franklin pick you up if you need him to"

"uhm, i think i can make it"

"okay, just ask for room # 329"

"okay, i'll be right there." she said hanging up. she was scared, the hospital was pretty far away and she knew her parents wouldnt drive her, she quickly called a friend to drive her

"so whats going on?" her friend Tasha asked curiously

"nothing...im just...visiting my...cousin..shes had a baby yesterday and i really want to see it" she lied, nobody else knew Bryan or she was depressed the way they were.

"and thats what you called me for to come and drive you at this time?" Tasha said, it was almost 10 pm.

"hee hee, yeah..you can just drop me off though, my parents are already here and they can drive me back" god she lied alot

"alright." Tasha stopped at the front doors to let Elli out, "have fun" she said waving as Elli ran into the building and to the front desk.

"where is room #329???" she asked hurridly

"in the elevator, floor 3, to the right, you'll see it, do you need any help?"

"nope, I'm good!" she said running towards the elevator, once inside she wished it would hurry up but it felt like it took forever, when it opened she ran down the hallway to the right until she found the right room number, she stopped, afraid of what she would find behind the door. she brought her hand up slowly and knocked on the door, 2 soft, nervous knocks.  Franklin opened the door.

   Inside the room was Franny sitting next to a hospital bed where Bryan lay, he was hooked up to a few machines and looked sort of pale, he looked over at her sadly, he smiled weakly trying to brighten the mood, it didnt work, the smile was so forced and fake, so wrong for everything that was happening.  There was a docter in the room too, he was filling out some forms or paperwork as she walked in. 

"do you want us to leave you two alone for a second?" Franklin asked politely, Franny looked at him,

"is that really a good idea?" she asked

"i think it will be okay..the doctor will be in here anyway" he said, he and Franny walked out, Elli was alone with Bryan and the doctor who was occupied completly in his work, Elli walked over to the chair Bryan's grandma had been sitting in and sat down, staring into his eyes nervously.

"wh- what happened?" she asked quietly

"i, i took some pills..." he said quietly

"why? i thought you said you wouldnt...i thought you wanted to talk about..it?"

"i couldnt..and i took too many..and my grandpa found me and they had to pump my stomach and...im just sorry...i didnt mean to"

"how could you not MEAN to?" she asked in disbelief

"i did mean to...i just didnt mean for this stuff to go so wrong" he said confused, trying to make sense of it himself.  Bryans mom burst through the door loudly,

"BRYAN YOU REALLY DID IT THIS TIME!" she yelled,

"what are you doing here?" Bryan asked embarrassed and frightened

"the doctors called! they said you overdosed on pills or somthing, they said you had scars on your wrist and they said you barely had any food in your body!!!" she yelled again, Elli pressed herself against the back of the chair trying to hide from his furious mother,

"and you call your little girlfriend before your mother? am i nothing to you? i called another hospital and you're going to be staying there until you get better?"

"theres nothing to get better about..and yea, Elli is more important to me than anything!" he tried yelling back, his voice was shakey and still a little quiet, by this time his doctor had turned from his work and was trying to calm down Bryans mom "you cant make me go back" he said

"i can, i am your LEGAL guardian and look at yourself, you belong there, they should have never let you leave the first time!" the doctor agreed with her and told Bryan he would be better of with professional help 24/7

"its not fair...i dont want to, i wont"

"yes you will, tomarrow you're going whether you like it or not!" then she stormed out, the doctor stared at the two sad teenagers side by side,

"sorry kids" he said, "but you need help" and he went back to filling out papers, "as soon as i'm done filling out this transfer papers you will have to leave miss"      Bryan grabbed Elli's hand,

"sorry you had to see that Elli, im so sorry"

"you keep saying sorry and stuff keeps getting worse" she said squeezing his hand, "where are you going"

"to some fucking nut house where i went last summer...its for people with eating disorders, suicidal tendencies and stuff...."

"you were there last summer?" she asked quietly, she had never known

"yeah.....im sorry i didnt tell you..."

"stop saying sorry! it doesnt help" she said getting angry, but her voice was still hushed

"please dont be mad at me" he whispered still holding her hand, but he feared that she would forever hate him, he lied to her too much, he said sorry too much, everyting he did was wrong.

"Whats wrong?" Franny asked as Bryan got into the car still trying to wipe his eyes from the tears

"nothing...prbly just allergies er somthing..you know..november air..." he lied

"honey, i can see the tears and your face is all read, whats wrong, did you and Elli have a fight"

"no, i dont want to talk about it..." he said snivilng, his grandparents didnt really know anything that was going on with him, they just knew his mom was horrible to him and their son, his dad was gone.

"are you sure dear? i could have grandpa talk to you"

"no..its really..its nothing, i guess we just kinda had a small fight, it will blow over by tomarrow" he lied

"alright honey, if you need anything you just tell me"

"actually, could we stop at walgreens, i have a huge headache and need to get some asprin er somthing"

"i think we have a little ibprofin at home"

"oh..okay."  Bryan said shortly, the rest of the car ride he looked out the window trying to avoid conversastioen and trying not to let her see him cry.

   When Bryan got home he went straight to his room, and then to the bathroom.  He gathered all the pills he could find, there were pretty many becuase his grandpa was a hypochondriac when really there wasnt much wrong with him for his age, Bryan snuck the pills into his room and took out an old stash of pills he had brought with him just in case.  He wasnt sure if he wanted to die completly or just forget evertying that was happening, but he took all of the unknown pills and passed out, shaking.  10 minutes after he passed out his grandpa found him lying on the floor, barely moving, but he was shaking a little still, franny had told him that bryan was having relationship troubles and might need the talk. 

"Franny!" he yelled, "Start the car, Bryan needs to go the hospital!"  Franny ran in from the kitchen where she had been preparing dinner,

"whats wrong" she said worried, "oh my lord - what happened?" she said when she saw Bryan on the floor,

"just start the car, I'll bring him out!"

"okay, okay...oh my...oh my lord" she said hurridly running to start the car.  Franklin picked up his grandson and carried him out the door, he was pretty strong for his old age,

"Bryan..Bryan wake up" he repeated over and over again.  He put Bryan in the backseat and they headed for the hospital

   "it just..drinking isnt the only thing" she said quietly, it was going to be soo hard to tell him, tears came to her eyes as she tried to hold them back, "sometimes....i just...i ALWAYS hate myself....but sometimes...well...alot of times...i dont...i dont eat." she whispered the last part and said the whole thing without looking at him, she looked up weakly into his eyes, they were sad and shocked and a whole bunch of other things, he stood up and faced her

"no you dont!" he said shocked and angry, "why would you do that...you dont mean it", he felt so confused right now and he was angry, he was pissed off and he was sad, he didnt know what he was doing when he stood up, he barely ever yelled and now he was yelling at the one person he loved.  Elli started to cry, and she looked up at him, she didnt think he would yell at her, he never did, she tried not to get angry with him when he hurt himself why was he getting so upset?

"i do...im sorry" she cried, scared she tried to hold back her tears, she wiped her tears off her face with her sleeve, it didnt do much good seeing as they kept falling, she was crying more than she had ever cried in front of anyone before yet strangly it was a silent cry, Bryan realize how scared she was, how much she was putting herself out there and instantly hated himself more, he scared her, he was making situations worse.  Elli had her face in her hands trying to cover her tears, he grabbed her hands with his and pulled her up so she was standing a foot away from him, he lifted her chin gently so she would look at him, he stared into her eyes,

"you cant do that," he said softer, hoping she didnt hate him now, "because i do and..its just not good..." she looked back into his eyes still scared, she didnt know what was going on, what the fuck was going on, neither of them said anything., the phone rang, neither of them moved, their eyes still locked.  Elli tried to gather some form of words, tried to put a sentence together in her head, she couldnt...too much was happening....what did he mean he did it to...he couldnt possibly... "and if i do eat...i usually throw it up..." he confessed,  barely using words, he more mouthed it than said it, no sound even came out but she heard him.  she mouthed back "no" but she still couldnt make a sound, she collapsed to the floor and he went down with her to make sure she was okay, she was sobbing, she couldnt hold it in any more, he was crying too.

"im sorry", she cried

"im sorry too" he whispered back hugging her, "i am so fucking sorry"

"Elli!" they heard her mother shout down the stairs, "there is a car outside and a lady at the door saying she is here for some Bryan person", Bryan let go of Elli,

"shit...im so sorry..i gotta go," he said wipping the tears off his wet face, she was still on sitting on the ground crying as he got up, "i really..i hafta go..im sorry....i'll....i dont know...we need to talk about this....im sorry...fuck..shit fuck shit fuck fuck fuck fuck!" he said quietly at first and then swearing loudly and hurrying out the door.  she remained motionless as she watched him leave.  they were both so much more messed up than either of them had ever imagined before

   During dinner niether Bryan nor Elli ate much, both picked at the food and moved it around their plate.  Afterwords Bryan walked Elli home since his grandparents lived only a few blocks from Elli.  Suprisingly when they arrived to her house there was an expensive red car in the driveway. 

"oh..i guess my parents are home" Elli said, shocked, they were getting back from a 2 week vacation in the Bahamas, she had lost track of time and didnt realize they wer coming back today.

"oh..do you want me to leave?" Bryan asked

"no, its no big deal, we'll just hang out in my room er somthing." Elli said, her parents probly wouldnt even realize she was home much less notice her boyfriend their with her, they didnt even know much about Bryan even though they had been friends for as long as they could remember.

"okay."  They went up the walkway to the front door and walked in.  They had to go through the living room to get to downstairs, Elli's parents were in the living room wtaching the news.

"Elli" her father said strictly, why did he seem pissed off, she couldnt have done anything to annoy him in at least 2 weeks, "why are there 2 cases of beer missing from the storage room?"

"uh....i duno" Elli said, she had a slight drinking problem. she didnt really consider it a problem, but sometimes when she got really depressed and wanted to escape she drank alot, enough to pass out drunk, the last week had been hard and she went through more than usual, usually she took bottles and cans slowly so that her parents wouldnt notice them missing, but she kinda forgot about doing that.

"why are there two missing? you were the only person here...did you have any parties, you know that parties are not allowed in this house"

"i didnt have any parties" she said

"so you drank them by yourself?" he asked accusingly

"no...i wouldnt do that, im sure your just imagining it, who keeps track of that anyway?"

"i do, becuase i knew you cant be trusted to be alone with it."

"well i didnt do it"

"we found the old beer cans." he stated, shit, he caught her, "there was even a can left in your room."

"whatever"

"listen, you make you own disions and if your stupid enough to do that go ahead but you took something of mine that you had no right to and i expect you to pay me back for each can."

"okay" she said pulling out her wallet and handing him enough to cover the cost of the beer "there you go, hope your happy that you think i drink...i dont" she lied and took Bryan downstairs. 

   Through that whole uncomfertable moment Bryan had been standing there trying to figure out what was happening, they sat down on her bed, "you drink?" he asked, damnit, she couldnt lie to him, not like this

"kinda..."

"what do you mean 'kinda'?"

"i mean..just a little"

"2 things in 2 weeks is a little? is it becuase of what happened with me?"

"no...i've been doing it for a couple months now...." she said quietly, looking down instead of at his face

"what? i thought...never mind.....i guess we were both kinda keeping stuff from eachother.."

"i wasnt really keeping it from you..it just never came up" she said, she didnt want to seem like a hypocrite

"same with me" he said "do we really know eachother as well as we thought?" he asked

"YES! she said.....we just dont know everything"

"what else is there?" he asked, Elli was ready to come clean and tell him everything, if he didnt hate her by now it wasnt going to change much she hoped.

"well....its not the only thing Bryan...there's alot" she said trying to hide her fear, really she was terrified to tell him, she couldnt stand to see the look on his face when she told him so she looked down ashamed,

"like what?" he asked honestly, he really wanted to know, he stared at her, he could tell somthing big was about to happen as could she

   For the rest of the week niether Bryan nor Elli talked about 'the incident', it was full of many uncomfertable moments but they tried to keep the mood light, both of them wanted to pretend it didnt happen so both of them did when they were with eachother. The next Wednesday Bryan invited Elli over to his grandparents house for a nice dinner, he knew Elli didnt get to spend any time with her real family so he wanted to make up for it with himself.  His grandpa picked them both up from school.

"you must be Elli" he said gruffly as she got into the old car with Bryan, he had a deep scratchy voice probably due to the many ciggarettes he inhaled over the years, his car smelled heavily of tobacco yet he tried to cover it with air fresheners, mostly they just added to the uncomfertable scent and caused a mix of smells.  "Bryan talks about you ALL the time" he said smiling at Bryan, "never shuts up"

"yeah" she said with a giggle, did he really talk about her alot? "nice to meet you Mr..."

"nice to meet you too,  but no Misters in this car, you can call me  Franklin" he interrupted, "so Bryan how was your day?" Bryan's face was a little red, his grandpa had embarrassed him when he told Elli how he talks about her all the time, he couldnt help it

"eh, boring...."

"everything is boring to you kids" his grandpa said scoffing at the idea of  seven hours in uncomfertable desks surrounded by people that dont like you being boring

"yea yea, i know" Bryan said.  Soon enough they were to his grandparents house, Bryan grandma greeted them at the door, how home-y Elli thought to herself, its like a picture perfect..oh wait...she remembered why he was here in the first place

"Oh hi dear, so you're Elli, i have heard so much about you!" she said in a typical grandmother manor

"oh...hi"

"you can just call me Franny" Franklin and Franny, Elli thought, tee hee

"alright Franny.." Elli said, she was no good at meeting people, especially adults, she wasnt around her own parents much so it was always akward

"oh well, all you come in come in, its getting colder you know, this fall weather.." she motioned for everyone to come in, "its not like a magical elephant could cure you if you got sick"

=========================================================

okay so yeah...im kinda gettin side tracked from the story right now so im gonna post this without finishing it or closing it up at all and il prbly haf the rest of this part up later..soon prbly i duno, i feel unconcentrated and i cant write good wen im unconcentrated.

   Bryan put the rest of his clothes back in his bag along with the other few things he had brought with him. He was going to sneak back into his house that night and get a few more things, then he would go right to his grandparents, he had already called them to tell them he was coming.  He left around 11 pm when his mom would surly be asleep, he left one thing at Elli's house, she was already asleep. 

   Elli woke up the next morning and checked the spare room Bryan had stayed in the night before, it was empty, the bed was made, but on the nightstand there was a plastic bag with a yellow post-it note on it.  the post it read "i left these as a promise that i wouldnt." inside was the pills and razor he had brought with him.  Elli felt like crying but got ready as usual, hoping he would be at school that day, she doubted it but she really hoped he would be.

  When Elli got to school she saw Bryan there, leaning against the wall in their hallway with his head down, he looked tired.  She went and sat next to him,

"hey" she said, he lifted his head up and opened his eyes

"hey..sup?"

"nothing....so, did you make it to your grandparents house?"

"yeah...my mom was sound asleep. she probably doesnt even care im gone"

"well...its good you got to your grandparents okay"

"yea i know"

"did they ask much about it?"

"no..not at all i just told them i couldnt stand to be with her right now and not to tell her, they seemed to understand...they know how she can be"

"oh"

"yeah"

"hey...um..thanks for...leaving the stuff at my house Bryan."

"yeah...can we please just not talk about it, can we please just pretend this never happened and im happy, lets just forget everything that happened after the concert"

"okay..."

"thanks."

"mhm"  they sat against the wall in an uncomfertrable silence until the bell rang.  when it did they got up, hugged eachother, and both went to class.

soooooo not much happened in that lil part i know its just a filler til i can figure out what happens next, i know what happens after what happens next but i need somthing inbetween and i just got to work it out a skosh and stuff so yeah..its all good in the hizood, i kinda feeling like killing them both right now ha ha, not really, kinda, this story just feels so kleeshay(ha ha not the right sp. at all!) right now and lik everything else i read on here so i gotsta get some twists, keep it moving, keep it intresting, maybe there will be a magic elephant in the next part. dammit i promise you there will be a magic elephant in the next one!

like the moon to dry dead grass - Rhianna

    Bryan opened the door and let Elli walk out first, what a gentlemen, he followed and closed the door behind them.  They walked down the path from the door to the sidewalk slowly, unsure of what to say or who was going to say what.  Niether one wanted to talk first and both had their eyes on their feet. They walked for 5 minutes in an uncomfertable silence, finally Bryan talked, he knew they had to start sometime.  "thanks for letting me stay the night" he said quietly

"yeah..its no problem...so..whats going on?"

"alot...i just...i thought it might help and i wanted to stop being so pissed off at stuff...and it didnt help....not at all, it just made stuff worse obviously"

"why did you think it would help? i dint think you even thought about stuff like that?"

"i duno, you hear about people doing it all the time and they do it, and keep doing it and  i guess i figured they do becuase it worked..it doesnt though...shit is so complicated"

"is it only your mom and stuff?"

"yeah....i kinda hate myself in everyway but yeah..that too" he said quieter than a whisper, he could barely hear himself

"why? you have noo reason to, i love you soo much, your so perfect"

"no im not. i just...nothing..it was a one time thing..i promise."

"why did you have one in your bag then?"

"i duno it was just in there with the pills" fuck, he mentioned the pills, more shit to deal with

"why were the pills there, what are they?"

"there just random stuff...no biggie"

"you had alot..."

"i know...i just...get headaches and stuff alot, thats all."

"why couldnt you just tell me what was going on?"

"i duno, you dont need to worry about it...its not like you care a ton anyway"

"of course I care Bryan..your my bestfriend..i love you so much you dont even know...if its part of you its part of me..i want to know whats wrong"

"i already told you..how else do you want me to say it, thats all there is. i hate my family and i hate myself, thats it, i cut once...i take pills sometimes.....i dont want to talk about it cant you just accpet what i already told you!" he said, gaining some voice, he didnt mean to but he couldnt handle talking about it, he hated the pressure, he hated the spotlight of his insecurities, he hated that he had problems at all.  Elli didnt say anything. she couldnt believe he was kind of shouting at her....he wasnt supposed to be like that, he was supposed to love her even though he was going through a hard time..but maybe he never did love her, maybe she was the reason he was going through a hard time, she didnt know. and now becuase she took a chance and tried to help he was mad at her. she wouldnt be suprised if he left and never talked to her again.  "sorry.." he said a few minutes later "im just sorry, dont you see i cant talk about this stuff?" he said softening his voice again, he saw that he had hurt her feelings

"i know its hard to talk about this stuff, i understand...i just...i dont know..im sorry, we dont have to talk about it." she still hadnt looked up

"good...i just cant...and i cant stay with you either..i love you but...im just gonna go stay with my grandparents...they wont care and i dont want to bother you"

"but your not bothering me!"

"i know you said that..but i feel like i am...and you shouldnt have to worry about it."

"i want to be part of this, i want to help you"

"i know i know i know....but sometimes..you know, people get too close and everything goes wrong...thats what happens with my parents, they were fine dating, then they got close, moved in, got married..then my dad, that fucker, started beating my mom...what if i turn out like him, i dont want to hurt you.." he said trying not to cry again

"you wont...i know you wont...your so much better than that!"

"i just dont want to take that chance now..we're too young to live together...we're still in highschool, it would be crazy for me to stay with you all the time and be with you that much..everyone needs space"

"i dont want space...i know we're too young, i know your right....i guess so..but please....dont let this come between us"

"it wont i promise, i promise that this wont change anything between us!"

"you really promise?"

"i really really do...there is nothing i want to change about us, your the most perfect thing in my life"

"bryan.." elli said, considering telling him all of her secrets, "im really not perfect.."

"well...you seem perfect..you are all i need" they found themselves back at Elli's house, "well, lets go pack my stuff up"

"okay..are you sure you dont want to stay just one more night?"

"im sure...i just want you to know how important you are to me okay?"

"okay..your important to me too"

"i really do love you Elli...i would love to stay with you forever and never leave...but right now i cant, maybe some day, someday i would love that more than anything else"

"me too.." she replied, they both meant it more than anything else

soo im lik a jillion skosh's bored right now and i kinda feel like writing in that lil story i write u no...that one...but i kinda dont but i do feel writing-ful so i shall write...i also have been writing muchs of poetry but im not gonna post that stuff nemore and i took down all the poems i have posted so yeah...i feel lik posting stuff too. so i will post and tell you to go buy Revolution on Canvas if u lik poetry/music, well i guess theres some 'art' in the background but its not much to my liking, it is however intresting.  but yes. i got it sometime yesterday and i keep on going and looking at it and i swear that stuff is just brilliant. iv read almost all the poems til page 165(skipped a few annomusly(sp??) and with very few exeptions all of it is amazing.  its intresting to see stuff written by some of my favorite bands that arent songs but are still beautiful with just as much meaning, even though some of it is hard to understand the meaning of its soo amazingly wonderful, i cant stop looking at it.

but anyways i got it at hot topic and since i got the skeleton gloves i got iv really realized that the hot topics here have a distinct smell, at the one closest to my house you can barely tell(but i can smell it in the book) but the one a lil further away you can really tell on clothes and stuff from there and kinda when your there. i dont know what it smells like..it just smells like Hot Topic to me..weird..yes.

i really love my new camera, its new, and shiny, and red, and fun

i wish i had guitar hero and ddr

i kinda miss the days wen u were either a backstreet boy er nsync fan, a brittany spears or christina aguilar fan..NOT THAT I LIKE THE MUSIC but its just like..that whole time was so much simpler..fewer things to worry about..you werent called conformist or non conformist, punk emo or goth, you were just a kid doing kid stuff, everything was cool unless it was stupid but then you still liked people who like stuff you thought was stupid.  if we all had the same thought process we did when we were younger pokemon card would have never gotten banned at our school. everyone loved those things but if we had the thoughts we have now i bet a ton of ppl wouldnt like them becuase it was too "conformist" OR we would be worried about the enviroment and how its a waste of paper or how it promotes cruetly to animals.....peta would go ape on our asses, i mean hello, making animals duel?!?! ok well thats a little xtreme but think about it, if you had the mind set you have know and all the knowledge you have know everything would be different all this leads me to say that BEING A KID FUCKING OWNS. if i had the chance to go back and relive it just the way i did, no changes, no anything(because i believe in things similar to the butterfly effect) i would even though i was always fighting with friends or my siblings, even through all of the bad sucky times i would do it again becuase stuff was simplier..you could like someone or you could not like someone. plain and simple. there werent a million different social groups to choose froms...at most there wer lik 3 probably.  and when your a kid of course you dont have to think about things like the future...which i now think of as scary and daunting...i dont want it to come yet it gets closer everyday.

when i was a kid the only death i thought of was my pets and later my grandpa..but i just new he was gone, know i think about it often, some of the time wishing it upon myself

when i was younger there was good and bad, now theres sooooooooooooo many things inbetween, so many more things can be 'bad' now but then again  soo many more things can be good

there was a time when i didnt think of the way i looked constantly, the only clothes i wouldnt wear was the dresses my mom picked out. now theres not a day i dont go by thinking of and hating the way i look, and i hafta dress the way i do, i have a sense of fashion and dislike things that arent dresses and find some really pretty(there is suuuuuuuuuch a pretty one on hottopic.com right now and i wish i could be pretty enough to wear it for twirp er somthin but yeah..see what i mean)

when i was a kid i didnt have to make so many choices for myself, my parents always helped, now i hafta do stuff on my own more and thats scary

when i was younger i couldnt go hang out with friends whenever i wanted besides one nieghbor and even then i hada tell my mom, now i hang out with friends as much as possible and we always walk around and be stupid together, my parents dont worry about me so  i CAN do that stuff

before you wernt put down for stuff you love now i can be

that was a lil blast from the past, hey remember the show pepper ann, i do!

picture the old mikey way in a speedo

if the sky was green what shade of green do you think it would be?

well that was random and fun and stuff

Love like sunshine loves dramatic pauses,

Rhianna - i know thats a weird closing but yeah

   Bryan woke up hours later around 2:30, when he first opened his eyes he forgot where he was but immediatly it all came back, all of his stupid mistakes came flooding back along with the promise he made to Elli that he would talk to her about it, he really wished he hadnt.  He wandered down the stairs to Elli's room and opened the door, she was still laying asleep on her bed.  He went back upstairs and into the kitchen.  He hated that he needed food but he was deadly hungry and knew he needed to eat.  He figured that breakfast would be a good choice since he was just waking up and that he could make some for Elli as a thank you for all that she was doing for him.  He searched through the cubords and found a frying pan.  He heated some butter and fried some eggs.  When they were done he put two on his plate and sat down at the breakfast bar, slowly eating the eggs, chewing each bite slowly and reluctently, he wasnt going to throw it up becuase he knew how bad he needed the food in his system.  When he was finished he made some toast and put it on a plate with the other two eggs.  He brought the plate of food along with a class of pink lemonade(he knew Elli HATED orange juice and loved pink lemonade) down to Elli's room and sat it down on her desk.

"Elli?" he said quietly, he wasnt sure how much sleep she had gotten and didnt want to wake her up before she was ready,

"hm? oh..yeah Bryan?" she muttered sitting up

"want some breakfast" he smiled weakly at his attemt to make everything seem regular

"uh..yeah..what time is it?" she asked, she felt sick to her stomach and didnt want any but she thought she would have some to make him happy, if he went through the trouble to make it for her, he handed her the plate and put the pink lemonade on her nightstand.

"awww thanks Bry." she said, she couldnt believe he would do something so sweet when he was obviously going through a hard time

"yeah..no problem, i was up and was hungry so..yeah"

"no..its sweet." she said hesitating before each bite of food she choked down, she only finished half the toast and one egg along with the entire glass of pink lemonade(he remembered!).   "so..do you want to talk about this now...or..."

"uh.." Bryan stuttered....he caught a glimpse of himself in the one mirror in her room, he had the worst case of bed hair and ran his hand over his air messily, attemting a tamer look.  "how bout..we just both get dressed and showered and stuff and lets just take a walk.."

"okay...that sounds okay" she replied...at least she would have time to think of what she was going to say.

"yeah...so, I'll go get ready okay?"

"yeah..thanks again for the breakfast"

"mhmm" and he went back upstairs to take a shower and get ready.  He got on a pair of jeans with a thirty seconds to mars shirt reading "A Beautiful Lie" across the front, he felt his whole life was a lie.  he took off the bandages over his wrist, not too bad, barely anything compared to what he had done in the past, they wer small cuts about a inch and a half long each.  they didnt hurt much at the time but the thought of them killed him.  he ripped a clean part of the cloth from the bandages and tied over the cuts, he put his braclett on the other wrist and then put on a hoodie over it.  he found his glasses astray on the nightsand by the bed and put them on, i look like shit, he thought looking at himself in the mirror, he could feel the food digesting inside him, he wished he hadnt eaten it, he grabbed a brush from his bag and messed with his hair til it looked ok and went to wait in the living room for Elli.

   While Bryan was getting ready so was Elli in the other bathroom.  She showere quickly and then put on a pair of old jeans with a The Academy Is... shirt, she didnt really listen to them any more but she loved the shirt, it was light blue and different from anything else she wore, it seemed happier than the rest of her clothes and today she needed herself and Bryan to be happy.  She put on her best friends braclett and a silver necklace and then brushed her hair til it looked perfect.  She threw on a light jacket and headed to upstairs to the living room where Bryan was waiting.

"okay...lets go" she said nervously..this was going to be the most akward walk of her life

"yeah" Bryan said getting up, he was nervous too, what if when he told her everything she realized she was with the wrong person, what if she didnt want to deal with him and all of his faults?

   Niether Bryan nor Elli could sleep that night and they both fell asleep early the next morning.  later in the morning Elli's alarm clock sounded as usual, she knew Bryan wouldnt be up since there wasnt an alarm in the guest room, at least not one that was set, she went upstairs and into the room. 

"Bryan...you gotta wake up...its morning..." she said softly, Bryan didnt move, she sat down on the end of his bed, "Bryan," she said a little louder, "its time to get up hun.....school..."

"ehhh.....okay...." he grumbled from under the covers, he poked his head out, talk about major bed head...

"you know theres the tiny bathroom right next the room, you can take a shower in there...do you have more clothes?"

"yeah..okay.." he yawned completly exhausted..."are you sure you dont want to just skip out today again?" he side with a small smirk, only half joking

"i would love to, i really would...but cmon..we cant.."

"nah..of course we could" his eyes wer still closed, "my mom will be at the school sometime today, i know it..then she'll take me home and i'll be in huge trouble..."  he rested his head back onto the pillow

"good point...but just today..we need to keep our lives going..."

"yeah yeah...i know..." he said, already falling back asleep, Elli remained sitting at the end of the bed watching Bryan...how could he do this...how could he act like nothing was happening, like every day he woke up at her house and they decided not to got school, he seemed so calm.  She saw his bag laying open on the floor, she didnt get up but she peered inside from her spot on the bed, she saw part of a plastic bag with a few pills inside and part of something silver...

"Bryan?" she said

"mmm?"

"whats in your bag?"

"Nothing." he sat up quickly, rubbing his eyes to see if she had found his pills and razor,  Elli looked from the bag to Bryan, her eyes asking him what was in the bag

"its just some pills..i get headaches alot..." he said hoping she would believe him

"thats not it..." she said quietly..."Bryan..i thought you said you wouldnt any more..."

"i didnt...it was just in case...i wont though, why were you looking at my stuff anyway?" he questioned trying to change the subject a little

"i wasnt. i just happened to see it...sorry...but there shouldnt be a 'just in case' you promised you would try not to..."

"i know...im sorry....just forget about it okay."

"but we need to talk about it."

"not now....im tired, i need sleep"

"fine...well..im going back to sleep then...we need to talk about it later though"

"okay..i promise we will..."  he said truthfully and pulled the blanket back over his head, she sat there for a moment and then got up and went to her room and then to sleep, she was stressed and tired as much as Bryan was, trying to be the stronger one of the pair was hard work.

   Bryan walked down the stairs slowly, he wasnt completly sure what was happening, he wasnt sure if it was good or bad, but whatever it was it was happening fast and he just wanted to calm down and forget about it all.  He took the familar path to Elli's room and opened the door...in the middle of the floor lay an open notebook, he knew Elli never left her things laying around her room, her room was always spotless, he was curious about the notebook but he didnt want to intrude in her privosy(sp???) he didnt need to do anything else wrong.  He carefully stepped over the notebook too the shelf where all of her movies were, his feet on the ground, he spotted his name on the top of the page, it was a letter. it was a letter to him written by her, it should be okay to read it right? maybe thats why she told him to get the movie and didnt get it on her own, he wasnt sure, he didnt want to take the chance of upsetting her more and tried to ignore it, he picked a movie and headed upstairs.

   Elli was waiting in the living room with a bowl of popcorn and 2 bottles of water, "is water okay?" she asked

"yea" he said, "hey...i wasnt being nosey er anything but i saw a letter adressed to me on your floor..."  Elli didnt say anything for a second..."did you read it?" she asked, her mind going into panic mode

"no...i just saw my name and noticed it was a letter..was i supposed to read it?"

"no...nevermind about it...its nothing...its from forever ago."

"oh." he said looking down, he was embarrassed for some reason

"soo..lets just put the movie in okay"

"yeah...okay" 

   Elli put the dvd in and they started watching it, he had picked Ferris Buellers Day Off...there wasnt anything too depressing in that.  Elli leaned against Bryan as they tried to watch the movie, neither of them were concentrating on that, all either of them could think of was what had happened.  Bryan kept thinking his mom was going to show up at the door and drag him home or yell at him in front of Elli, Elli was trying to figure out why he would cut, why he seemed so happy, why the one good thing in her life was getting bad.  The movie ended, the bowl of popcorn was still full and both bottles of water were empty.  "so....what now?" Elli asked, she wasnt sure if she wanted to talk about it with Bryan but she knew they needed to

"i duno...cant we just hang out and forget about it?"

"dont you want to talk about it even a little?"

"no" he lied, he wanted to tell her everything but couldnt

"are you sure?"

"no..."

"well....what then..whats gonna happen"

"i dont know..i want to tell you i want to tell you everything but at the same time i want to take back everything and not let you know everything!"

"but...we're best friends...more than that...and i thought that means we're not supposed to keep things from eachother"

"it does..we are..but...i dont know...this is the only time, i wont do it again, i just couldnt handle it at the time i just kinda freaked out this morning...its kinda dramatic going from super happy at the concert and being with you to super shitty with my mom screaming at me and stuff for no reason." he was starting to get dizzy, he hadnt eaten since the day before when they had icecream(and he had thrown it up) and on top of that he hadnt had much sleep, he lost some blood, and now his mind was going crazy, he felt like he was going to pass out

"please promise you wont do it any more"

"i just cant...lets just go to sleep, im really tired okay?" he pleaded, he couldnt stand facing her, it was too much, he looked at her and then fell backwards on the couch fainting

"Bryan!" she yelped, "Bryan, whats wrong?"    he came back too quickly but he still felt nauseus

"i...im just tired...i dont feel good..."

"are you okay?"

"yeah....yes, lets just...yea..."

"okay...you can sleep in the spare room okay"

"yeah"

"you know where it is?"

"duh," he said smiling a little, "i've only been here a jillion times.."

"yeah" she said smiling, remember all the good times they had in this house compared to that night.

"well..goodnight...sorry this had to happen.." he said

"yea...'night" she said,  he leaned in and kissed her softly,

"Thanks..for being so...understanding" he whispered

"yeah....i love you, i just dont want anything bad to happen"

"me neither...i love you too"

"can we please talk about this sometime?"

"yeah...sometime..." and they both walked in opposite directions to their rooms.

"Like what?" Bryan asked

"just...everything...i dont know...just never mind...please dont go"

"i wont...not yet anyway?"

"why did you do it?"

"i..."

"can we talk about it?

"can we not...not now..."

"okay."

Elli lead Bryan into the living room, "my parents arent home obviously, they never are...so yeah...what do you want to do?" she asked hoping that the rest of the day wouldnt be so uncomfertable and akward

"i duno..wana just watch a movie?"

"yea...okay...just go downstairs and pick out a movie, you know where they are, I'll make some popcorn er somthing." she said, forgetting about the letter she had written minutes before...

.......................................................................................................................................

im gonna write more in a little bit :)

if u read my journal of randomness you know i got this poem book with poems by famous singers and such and i dont listen to A Static Lullaby er anything but this is an untitled poem by Dan Arnold i love

"...Of course I hear you!

You're the taste upon my lips when I wake.

Sometimes you're the only faith I have.

Searching...always searching for more.

I'm enslaved by you, but you make me feel as free as can be.

I want to touch you.

I'll catch your scent on the air and my feet don't

stop, thy can't stop! We must keep dancing in your name!

M  U  S  I  C

The only air I breathe."

DONT YOU LOVE IT I DO!!!

so im bored and feeling very random today so here is me writing random thoughts

• i got the book Revolution on Canvas its poetry from the indie music scene and im excited to read it, iv skimmed thru it and red the first one(written by William E. Beckett(of the academy is..) and i really liked it lots, and i found out gabe saporta has one in there too i cant wait to read them all
• What is William E. Beckett's middle name?
• i really like a Victory recored winter sampler cd i got
• i already scratched my new camera a few times and it annoys me but i luv it
• too much can happen in a year
• i went to spencer gifts today and was lookin for mcr dolls i really wanted frank er mikey and i went in and they actually had bob and ray but no one else :(
• spencer gifts had all the fob dolls besides patrick(again the only one i really wanted)
• its scary to see old ppl in spencer gifts
• i really really love looking at stars/moon/clouds at night, today i saw the awesomest clouds ever at night n i was trying to take a picture but it dint turn out but it was my favorite cloud ever in the whole world
• i thought alot about ppl i know that are dead today, i thought about my cousin angie, my grandpa zoubek, and my great grandma krajeck - it made me sad
• i was noticing my baby cousins eyes when we was hanging out and i was thinking bout how my grandpa, my cousin carrie, my cousin angie, my 2nd cousins abby, cameron, and christan all have the same blue blue blue eyes and i will now call that color of eye "zoubek blue" becuase the furthest back i can remeber the eye color being was my grandpa zoubek so yes. we have nice pretty blue eyes and i decided that any kid my cousin carrie has will have those eyes becuase her husband mike has the blue eyes too
• the rest of my family has poopy brown eyes
• it doesnt feel like christmas has happened yet
• i luv dinosaurs
• and play doh
• i dont understand why stuff happens, anything
• i dont like the color green
• hair is a huge factor of appearence
• jared letos bday is today yay
• im not sure the exact date of easter
• i want more hats
• gurgerburger woot woot
• who needs microphones when we can sing into mirrors?
• how come some ppl consider spiders lucky but not centipedes?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

if your random and have thoughts write a few down, or answer/comment on any of mine!!!

luv you like wind loves bullets  - Rhianna

(ps. i dont know if wind loves bullets, it just came out that way...)

   the pills and cough syrup lay around him...he couldnt decide whether he was going to do it or not, he just wanted to escape.  he reached for a handful of pills when he heard his moms footsteps heading towards his room, he immediatly pushed all the drugs under his bed and jumped on top of his bed pretending to listen to music. 

"Elli called." his mom announced

"is she still on the phone?" he said trying to contain himself

"no."

"can i call her back?" his voice hit a high note on back

"no."

"than why did you tell me she called if there is nothing i can do about it?"

"i just wanted you to know in case it was important"

"well, what if it was important?"

"im sure it wasnt. stop talking back to me know or your going to grounded for longer"

"fine..."

"im going to the store, you better stay here."

"yea...i know, wutever" he said trying to show a tough guy act, like he dint care. with that she turned and left.  he heard her car drive away with his brother and little sisters with her.  it was now er never, he had the perfect opportunity to take the pills, he pulled them out from under his bed. he stared at them. he didnt want to take them now, he put them into a plastic baggy and went to the bathroom and got the razor, he put it in the bag with the pills.  he went back to his room and pulled out his old backpack.  he threw in the bag and put a few tshirts and jeans into the bag along with a hoodie and a few bottles of water and all the cash he had saved up, about  $530, he was good at saving up.  he put on his 'Til Death' braclett and threw on his thickest hoodie over this thin from first to last one and left the house. he wasnt sure where he was going but wherever it was he would end up there soon enough.

   Elli finished writing her letter when she heard the doorbell ring.  she couldnt imagine who it was since Bryan was grounded and it wouldnt be anyone else.  she was crying so she wiped her tears on her sleeve, her friendship braclett brushed against her face, she was still crying when she opened the door and saw Bryan standing there. she stared at him and he stared back, he hugged her close to him, "im sorry i had to leave before...i think im gonna leave again..."

"What?..no no youre not!" she cried, "no..."

"i have to...i cant stay with my mom, i cant fucking stand her anymore...everything is wrong....and everything that isnt i screw up...im just gonna go away...i dont know where but i am"

"nothing is wrong with you...you cant leave"

"i know it doesnt seem lik anythings wrong but everything is, i just..i didnt know how to tell you..."

"if you dont want to go home just..stay here.."

"my mom will expect me to be here.."

"no she wont...please dont go...please..my parents wont even realize, my dads not coming home til saturday so...i dont have to worry about him, my mom wont notice...please?"

"i guess...il stay for a little while...just a little though..i dont want to stay here and ruin your life"

"your not ruining anything...i just..i want everything to be okay...i wish you would have told me...i wish i could tell you..."

"tell me what?"

"everything..your not the only one whos messed up...i, theres stuff going on with me too...there always is..."

JUST KIDDING ha ha ha yes im bored and i know whats gonna happen generally in the next part of the story but i dont know how exactly to write it completly so yea...i might get the REAL part 11 tonight but i might try im not sure, if i do it will be either really really short or rather long

  Elli couldnt concentrate for any of her classes, all she could think about was Bryan...she didnt think he would do anything lik that..if any one should be cutting it should have been her...she deserved the marks, all he deserved was happiness.  Could her depression be rubbing off on him, she knew it wasnt catchy but she couldnt help but wonder what made him do it. he said his mom and school but why couldn t he just tell her about it, why did he have to hide it? then she realized she was doing the same thing..she didnt tell him how horrible she felt all of the time, but at least he wasnt doing as bad as her. she wanted to die, she didnt eat, she wanted to hurt herself but never could.

   Bryan couldnt concentrate in his classes either, how had he let her find out, she probably hated him now...if only he had worn the braclett..it was his own fault...he shouldnt have done it in the first place he knew but the fact that Elli knew, the fact that he made Elli cry killed him inside.  He was supposed to be there for her like she was there for him, and he wasnt, he let her down, he let himself down, just like he was letting his entire family down...he had no reason to live, the only person that cared was Elli and now she probably didnt. He ruined the one thing he had, the one thing that kept him alive and he didnt know what he was going to do next.  he only hoped Elli wouldnt tell anyone, he hoped that she would never bring it up, yet at the same time he wanted to tell her everything soo badly.  if she had just cared enough to ask him about it, if she would have cared enough to just check he would have told her.  he would have tried at least....he didnt know if he would have said anything, he probably would have just kept on pretending he was okay, no, he was lying to her, not pretending....he would have at least considered telling her if she had asked but she didnt and now he was in a horrible situation.

   After school Elli went to the usual meeting spot hoping that Bryan would show up, he was a little later than usual but he came.  "soo...whats going...?" she asked

"i dont know...im not sure."

"wont you talk about it please?" she pleaded "i really care about you..."

"no you dont..."he muttered quietly, she could barely hear him, "...no one does..."

"thats not true, your my best friend in the whole world, your the only family i have since my 'real family' never is...dont you see how important to me you are?"

"just..just stop lying! stop lying im not...if i was i wouldnt have so much shit going around in my head, i wouldnt be so fucked up!" his voice was still quiet and quivering but he was screaming on the inside

"im not lying, i would never lie to" she just did and she felt like the worst person in the world, she was constantly lying to him, it was all her fault

"i just..i have to go...im grounded and stuff..so..bye..."

"no..you cant just go, we need to talk about this..."

"i cant..im in enough trouble already and...yea..."

"please dont do it again, please?"

"i'll try not to...i promise i'll try"

"cant you just promse that you wont at all?"

"no..i cant because i dont want to risk breaking a promise to you...i really need to leave though...im so sorry..."

".....im sorry too, bye...i love you..." she went in for a hug but he turned away

"i really just need to go.."he said and ran down the hall to the other side of the school where his mom would be waiting for him.  Elli felt that it was all her fault..she lied to him, she didnt even bother to see if he was okay, she was soo selfish, just another thing going wrong in her life, she was bad luck, she would probably be better off dead, she already hurt Bryan, the one thing she was constantly trying not to do..there was no point anymore.  That night she went home and wrote a long letter to Bryan in her journal, a letter saying goodbye.

   The car ride home Bryans mom reminded him that he was grounded and still in trouble, he nodded and didnt say anything, she didnt know how grounded he even was.  he needed to get help, as soon as he got home he went to the bathroom and gathered all the pills he could find along with a bottle of cough medicine, then he went downstairs and got the rest of the pills from his closet.  this could be it, he thought to himself, i could end it right now and never have to deal with any of it again.

   She pulled up his black sleeve and saw the bandages over the cuts, red was slightly leaking through and she could see a little blood on the surface, she didnt say anything, neither did he.  Elli looked up at him, she couldnt look out of his eyes, they were scared, she could see the sadness and worry he had.  Her eyes stared into him and Bryan looked down ashamed, scared of what was going to happen next, he pulled down his sleeve slowly over the bandages. Finally Elli got the courage to speak,

"why..what, what is this?" she whispered quietly, staring into his face which was still staring at his covered wrist, "why would you even...was, i mean...yesterday...and..."she couldnt put any sentences together, she was in too much shock.

"i just..i couldnt...i...its just...i duno" he mumbled, still not looking up

"but, you seem so happy, yesterday was so great...what fucking happened, was it something i did, im soo sorry..." she felt tears welling up inside her

"no. no its..its nothing you did, your the only thing that ever kept me from doing it...its just..my mom, and school....i just dont know."

"why now though? i thought yesterday was okay..i mean...if it was okay for me it had to be okay for you.."

"yesterday was excellent. i duno, i didnt mean to...i just..iv heard that it helps and it was just thismorning..i guess i was just tired...i didnt know what i was doing, i wont do it again."

"...well....does it help?"

"theres just no reason to it, theres no FUCKING reason...you dont need to think about it, i'll be okay..."

"i want to know, i want you to be okay...one of us has to be"

"what do you mean? your perfect in everyway, you never seem to have a bad day...i love you so much, i wish i could be half as great as you...please dont be mad at me...please dont leave me..."

"I could NEVER leave you, ever....im not perfect at all Bryan...your the one thats perfect, your everything i wish i could be, your the reason...youre the reason that I dont...you know...."

"....really...?"

"yes. i mean...yea...i duno y...i use all my love on you and i just...i hate..." The bell rang, Elli paused, "i need to get to class..."

"please...just dont be mad at me...please..."Bryan was starting to cry a little, 2 lines of tears had been falling from his eyes, but now he couldnt even pretend it was nothing..it was too much, he was crying.

so was Elli, she hugged him and didnt let go, "im not...i couldnt be...im sorry" she said still trying to push back tears, it wasnt working, she pulled out of the hug and hurried to class, he stood where he had been standing...shit, he thought...what the fuck did i do...why did i have to mess this up...why do i ruin everything?  he didnt beleive Elli when she said he was the reason she didnt....he didnt believe that she had problems or hated herself, she was too perfect, she was HIS everything.

   On the way to school Bryan felt his eyes fighting back tears, he was so ashamed of what he did, he already regreted it but at the same time it felt so good and he didnt know why, he didnt understand, he didnt understand anything.  He had one of the best days of his life before and then it just got worse when he woke up again.  Maybe it was all a dream and waking up was the real nightmare, but he was wearing the hoodie from the show the night before so it must have been real.  he remebered Elli and thought about what she would do if she found out, he couldnt cover it up forever, but he could try, she would probably be scared for him, he didnt want that.

   As soon as he walked through the doors of the school Elli ran up to him and gave him a huge hug, "Thanks sooo much for last night!!!" she exclaimed "it was great!" he hugged her back

"ha ha, thank you, it wouldnt have been fun without you!" he said still trying to hold back from crying, she had hit his wrist when she ran to hug him, the cuts stung and he felt a little blood come out.  Elli noticed the brief look of pain on his otherwise joyous face,

"whats wrong?" she asked

"nothing.....when you hugged me it just...you know, my back hurts a little from jumping around all last night, kinda yea..no big deal." he lied

"...okay....sorry bout that" she could tell he was lying to her but she didnt know why, had he really not had a fun time, was he disgusted by her hugging him, she couldnt figure out why he would lie about it, it was nothing, but if it was nothing why would he lie in the first place?

"yea, so..lets go brag about the concert to everyone, you look beautiful in your new shirt by the way." he said, he noticed the braclett around her wrist, "Best Friends" it read...he realized he wasnt wearing his.  Elli blushed,

"Thanks" she said shyly "and you look great in your hoodie too...hey...wheres your braclett?" she asked, realizing he was not wearing the one that matched hers, the one that said "Til Death" playful she went to pull up the sleeve of his hoodie to look for the braclett....

OHHHHHH CLIFF-HANGER WHAT NOW WHAT NOW!!!!!!!!!??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!

ha ha ha ha, oh i feel bad leaving you with just this...it really is horrible isnt it, i hate when people do that, but hey, its christmas, i can do what i want and i DONT want anything to big to happen christmas morning(but whos to say about later on...?) tee hee, hope the suspense isnt TOO bad tee hee. il prbly write more today, the suspense is killing me already, but when i was writing it and i got to lik that 3rd last little paragraph i myself realized what was happening and i kinda got up from my chair and was lik "oh shit now, its goin down!" then i sat back down and wrote that little bit more. enjoy ^..^

okay so yea, this one is a little, okay alot depressing for it, yea....mhm kinda sad with it being lik an hour til christmas and all but yes, i feel so writing ful STILL so i will just keep writing and writing and writing, well maybe not that long, i'll actually probably go to bed in a little bit, but who knows right yea...so here you go, (oh and ps. Elli is not in this one its just Bryans morning)

   Bryan was woken up early by his mother yelling at him about not coming home the night before

"i was just at a concert mom, we met the band after and..."

"Thats NO excuse!!!!" his mom yelled back, "AND school called, they said you didnt show up!!!!"

"yea...i skipped..."

"You know what, you are grounded! Im sick of your little stints and you thinking you can do whatever you want whenever you want! no hanging out with your little 'band' or Elli and no talking to her on the phone either! its school and then home thats it, i called your uncle and your not working there anymore!"

"what the fu--  i know i skipped and shit...big deal you think im fucking failing anyway so who cares, no difference right"

"thats not the point, your grounded do you hear me, i will march you to you first class of the day if i have to!"

"ugh fine..well get out so i can get ready...since school is so fucking important!" his mom was already out of the room, he already had his clothes on so he had some extra time.  he went to the back of his closet and dug through the big box full of old stuff, reaching for his pills...i cant fucking do this, he thought, im so fucking sick of this, im so fucking sick of everything! there wernt many left..he didnt want to take a few, if he was gonna take pills he was gonna take alot, he wanted to leave.  he ran to the bathroom and looked in the cabnit, there were  barely any pills in there either, much less any that would do anything for him, mostly ibprofin, shit, he thought, he really needed to release the stress he was feeling.  he looked through the cabint for anything that would help, he came across an old razor, he hadnt cut since the middle of last summer before his mom sent him to the hospital. he was so pissed off he couldnt handle it a second longer. he pushed up the sleeve of his new hoodie and looked at his arm, gripping the razor with his other hand. he couldnt do it, he had to, he wanted to, he didnt want to, it was all too much, if he did it again things would just end up worse but he didnt care, he needed a temporary fix, he needed it so bad. he closed his eyes and slashed his wrist twice quickly, short, fast, slashes.  instantly the stress poured out with the blood, trickling out of his arm and onto the white floor.he grabbed a black towel and quickly wipped it off the floor then held it tight against his wrist.  he took some gauze and bandages from the drawer under the sink and did his old routine, he hadnt done it in forever yet it was familar.  he remembered why he had always cut before, it seemed to help.  he pulled down his sleeve and headed for school.

   At noon Elli and Bryan took a break from looking around at stores for lunch, neither wanted to eat but they were both thinking of eachother.  "where do you want to eat?" Bryan asked, it didnt matter to him since he would probably throw it up anyway,

"um..i dont care really..."

"yea, me neither.."

"well...you do want something right?"

"yes."Elli answered reassuringly..."i dont like..have an eating disorder or anything, im not nicole richie" she joked, hoping he couldnt tell she was lying

"ha...yea...sooo...lets just get some ice cream from Dairy Queen er somthing."  he wondered if she knew...if she was hinting at the whole topic of eating disorders, but how would she know, he didnt think she had ever seen him throw up, oh god, now he would have to worry about a lip ring while throwing up, why didnt he think about that before, it would get full of vomit, disgusting...his head was filled with worried thoughts as he casually suggested ice cream

"ok...yea, i havent had ice cream in forever" she replied quickly, she really didnt want any but she could easily get the smallest size and claim that she was full or somthing, why had she even mentioned eating disorders, the thought probably hadnt even crossed his mind and now he might think about it.  she didnt know what she would do if he found out, he would probably be mad and think she was stupid, he wouldnt understand...would he even love her any more?

   They walked towards the Dairy Queen spot in the food court, they both ordered the smallest size cone of plain vanilla ice cream.  Bryan ate his quickly and then headed to the bathroom.  While Bryan was throwing up Elli tried to have a little, she hated lying to him, but she couldnt bring herself to and through it in a nearby garbage.  "you finished already?" Bryan said coming back

"yea...i love that stuff and i havent had it in forever, i guess i just have no self control" she laughed...she thought about how she really didnt have any control of anything

"i guess not" Bryan lauged back...he was thinking the same thing, he had no control, all he could do was pretend.  He wished he could tell her what was going on, he wished he could just get it off his chest, it could help, but he really didnt want her worrying about him, he had no reason to bring her down with him, it wouldnt be fair to her.

   They continued walking around the mall talking and loving eachother(hating themselves) until 5 pm when they caught a bus to the venue the show was at. The stood outisde the doors til 6 when they were let inside, together they ran to the front of the huge room and grabbed the bar in front, first row, wootness!  Together they waited for the show to start as people piled around them, pushing them closer together, he put his arm around her, he loved being so close to the person he loved most and he tried to ignore everyone else.  She scooted a little closer than him as he put his arm around her, as the lights went out and the opening band came on stage she hugged him tight and then let go to start jumping around to the nameless underground band.

   Finally From First To Last was coming out, Sonny ran on stage from the left side with Wes and Matt as Derek and Travis came from the right side, they opened with Note To Self, Bryan and Ellie screamed the entire time, word for word with Sonny Moore, eachother, and the rest of the teenage crowd.  After their set was over Bryan and Elli rushed to the merch table and got their stuff.  Elli got another shirt and some pins and Bryan got a hoodie. They waited to see if the band was doing signings, they werent "aw fuck" Bryan said...he had really wanted to meet the band but knew Elli would completly love it if they did, "well you know what, we're still gonna meet them!" he told her

"how..they're not doing a meet n greet" she said, she wanted to meet them but if they didnt she wouldnt really care, it had been her favorite concert so far,

"becuase we're gonna go wait by their tour bus, com'on, he said grabbing her hand and swerving through people towards the red exit sign.  Once outside the spotted the bus on the side of the building, they waited by the door for an hour and a half for the band to come out,

"are you sure this is their bus?" Elli asked

"yeah...they should be coming any second..." Bryan said hopefully, he hoped he was right, sure enough 15 minutes later the 5 members of From First to Last were walking towards them,

"hey, whats up?" Derek asked, he was in front of the rest of them,

"hey..we were just wondering if we could get your autographs er somthing, you guys are completly amazing" Elli said nervously

"yea sure" the guys said, as they all signed stuff for Bryan and Elli

"You are sooo fucking amazing" Elli said to Sonny, "your so talanted, you guys are all just, wow."

"thanks..your wow too" Sonny said with a small giggle, "want a picture er anything"

"oh yeah, ha ha how could i forget about that?" Elli replied, she was having a conversastion with Sonny Moore, he said she was wow...wow...Elli got out her camera, who's gonna take the picture? she thought, Sonnys security gaurd stepped in,

"I can take that if you want" he offered in a deep voice, he was huge, like a fucking bear er somthing

"okay, thanks" Elli said handing him the camera, the band got around Elli and Bryan and got their picture taken.  They stood around talking for a few minutes after that. 

"your like my favorite singer" Bryan said to Sonny, "your such an inspiration"

"ha ha, thanks, im reeeaaal inspiring" Sonny said back

"no really..i mean...Waltz Moore is like..those lyrics are so fucking true, they're like my life" he said, hoping Elli was engaged enough in her conversastion with Matt to not hear him,

"oh well..yea...it was hard to put on the cd..." Sonny said shyly

"i can imagine..i try writing stuff..but im always too embarassed to show it to the guys in the band im in" why was he telling this stuff to some guy he had never met before? Sonny Moore had problems of his own, he didnt care to know about some random fans, how come it was so easy to tell him and not anyone else?

"well...once you get it out in the open its easier, it is from my experiance anyway..well..not really easier...it just kind of feels better, woah this is a depressing conversastion, hee hee soo...where you guys from?"

"eh a little bit away from here, some random suburb no ones heard of"

"oh yea, im not even sure what state we're in right now, hee hee, do you know any good places to eat around here at 2 in the morning, i know Travis is probably super hungry right now"

"umm..i think the only place that would be open know is lik...a george webbs or mcdonalds er somthing..who knows"

"yea..we'll find somthing." 

   They all talked for a few mintues more and the band had to leave, they had one more show to play before going into the studio, "it was nice talking to you guys" Elli and Bryan said waving goodbye.  After that they got on the next bus and went home, "that was amazing, thanks soo much for taking me!" Elli said

"yea know problem, it was great"

"deffinetly, it was like..the best night of my life i think ha ha"

"yea, it was most amazing"  They both went home and went to sleep, content for once, but mostly becuase they were exhausted from the amazing day.

yea its not gonna be very long cuz im taking a break from visiting with family and feel lik writing i feel so writing-ful so yea, Merry Christmas Eve kiddies!

   It was finally monday morning and Elli woke up to her annoying alarm clock as usual, but today she wasnt thinking of how horrible everything was, she was thinking of how fun her day could be.  She rushed to take a shower and then went down back stairs to get dressed.  She put on her black capris and her favorite FFTL shirt, she applyed her eyeliner and a little eyeshadow too.  The really wanted to look nice today, she wanted to give Bryan a reason to love her.  She grabbed her journal from her back pack and put it in her purse which she took with her too school.

   Bryan woke up as usual, ready for a day filled with fun, he couldnt wait to see Elli and he couldnt wait to get out of school and general life for a day.  He got dressed in jeans and a FFTL shirt.  He emptied most of his messenger bag back pack and put his cd player, wallet, and a few other things in it.  He ran to the car, excited to start his day.  His mom didnt notice the change in his behavior, she barely noticed him at all anyway.  He tuned out her useless chatter of her work and his failures as he stared out the window thinking of Elli.

  At school Elli ran up to Bryan, "You ready?" she asked excitedly

"yeah!" he replied smiling, "i cant wait!"  The bell rang and they went out the school doors, they walked casually along the school building and once they passed it they ran off school grounds, along the long empty street and on to the highway. 

"This is going to be soo much fun" Elli said looking at Bryan

"I know!"  the rest of the way to the mall the talked and laughed about the concert, once at the mall they went to the recently moved in body art/tattoo place. 

"hey, how can i help you guys?" the guy working their asked casually

"erm. i guess im gettin my lip perirced" Bryan answered nervously, looking at Elli rather than the guy

"alright" they went through the obvious procedures one would go through before peircing ones lip, when the needle shot through Bryan winced a little, fuck, he thought, it hurt more than he expected

"are you gonna get one?" the guy asked Elli

"um..not today.." she answered, later they left and walked to the nearby hot topic

"did it hurt really bad?" Elli asked

"no, not really.." Bryan lied, pretending to be touch when really it hurt lik hell., inside Elli found a set of BFF bracelets, silver chain with a skull charm on it that read 'Best Friends' on one and  'Til Death' on the other. 

"we should get them!" she said with a smile, "than it can be official!" she joked

"haha, yea like it isnt already" he smiled back, looking at the braceletts, "well...they dont look too girly so okay."

"yay!" Elli said, "I'll buy em since you already got your lip peirced and got us the tickets and stuff."

"are you sure?" he asked, did she think that he couldnt pay for it, that he couldnt support himself just like his mom thought or was she just trying to be nice...he couldnt tell

"no im sure, i can do stuff to you know" she said giggling, "its all good"

"okay, if you say so"  she paid for the bracletts and they left the store.  In the hallway of the mall they found a bench at sat down to get out the braclets, "which one do you want?" he asked

"which one Dont you want?" she replied

"ummm...I'll have the Til Death one if you dont want it.." he said "but its really up to you"

"thats fine, I'll have the Best Friends one, okay, put it on" she said doing the clasp on her own

"okay." he said back, putting on his own, it didnt look to girly, he acted like they werent a huge deal but really it made him so happy that she wanted to get them, it felt like she actually did love him and it would be a constant reminder that someone did love him even if his family didnt.

   Elli stayed for the rest of band practice and walked home with Bryan, "see ya tomarrow" she said when they got to her house, "yea..see ya." he replied, he kissed her on the cheek and left.  Elli went into her house and checked the fridge for somthing to eat, she grabbed a bag of grapes and headed to her room.  She ate the grapes as her dinner and quickly did her homework while listening to From First To Last, The Latest Plauge.  Gah I need to stop listening to this stuff, she thought to herself, so she put in an old Fall Out Boy cd, Evening Out With Your Girlfriend, this changed her mood to a little more up beat but she was still sad.  After a while of drawing and listening to music she wrote in her journal about how she truly felt about everything.  If anyone ever read that journal they would know the real her, they would probably be worried too.

   Once Bryan got home he wrote a song but it ended with him tearing up the lyrics and throwing them away in a million pieices, he didnt have the courage to show his true self to his friends and Elli, they were just to personal, he couldnt do it.  He fell back on to his bed to relax after he got worked up and angry at himself for writing what he did, it was all to depressing and he was ashamed to be depressed. he just wanted to be normal.  right now he felt that the only thing he had to look forward to was the concert on monday. "Dinner!" his mom called

"Im Not Hungry!" he shouted back

"You're eating right now er im sending you away like last summer!" her most common threat, eventually she would do it too, he hate it at the hospital.  They monitered what he ate and did, they were constantly weighing him and checking him to make sure he was 'healthy' but the worst part, he wouldnt be allowed to see Elli, he didnt want to take that chance so he joined his 2 younger sisters and older brother at the dinner table.  "long time no see" his brother Chris said

"oh...yea..hey" Bryan said, "whats up"

"nothing much, havent seen you in forever, your always gone with your busy little life" he chuckled

"yea..busy times.."

"yea so anything intresting happening?"

"erm..monday im going to see from first to last"

"who?"

"from first to last..my favorite band..."

"oh..some of that screamo shit i suppose...you really shouldnt listen to it, you'll probably end up in hell" his brother said lauging

"MOM! Chris said a bad word!!!!" his little sisters shouted in unison, their mom joined them at the table and told Chris to watch his language around the little kids.  The rest of dinner they talked about how Chris was doing in school and how his after school job was doing, with demining glares at Bryan from his mom the entire time. glares saying he would never measure up and he would never be good enough, glares that made him want to die.  "When are you going to get a real job?" his mom asked

"i dunno....i kinda do have one actually"

"fixing cars with you uncle is NOT considered a real job, i want you to find somthing outside of family, you need to learn how to live for yourself."

"i am living for myself" he replied, "i buy everything i need, i get my own clothes and stuff"

"i buy your food and give you a house to live in."

"i dont ask to eat...you make me, and as for the house...im sure you dont want me running away or anything, or maybe you do."   his mom didnt answer for a moment

"okay, well im sick of you ruining our family time, you can leave the table now."

"great...i would hope so" he said and got up and went to the bathroom. fuck them, he thought, they dont even know....they dont understand, they hate me for no reason.  no, he thought, they hate me becuase im not good enough and dont think i can do anything for myself, well i can, i can make myself good enough. someday they'll appreciate me.  after that he threw up twice, he could do stuff for himself, he could control one thing.  then he went to his room and fell asleep angry.

   The next morning at school Bryan told Elli his new plan for next monday, "we can take the day off from school and hang out until the concert, we should go to the mall and stuff."

"okay..how do you plan on letting your mom let you?"

"we'll just skip school, we'll show up in the morning and then just leave when first bell rings, we can walk to the mall its not too far away."

"okay, cool, hey you should get your lip peirced!"

"yeah! i mean my mom will kill me for skipping any way so its not like she could kill me twice in one night if i get it peirced"

"okay awesome..i cant wait, its gonna be so fun!"

   The rest of the week went slowly as usual, full of fake smiles and laughs, hidden feelings and hidden problems.

ok so yea im really really bored and feel very writingful and stuff so im gonna write some more bout thos ppl from b4, u no, that story i already wrote 2 parts of 2night well heres the 3rd

  The next day at school Elli couldnt find Bryan, she wondered where he was, did he not want to see her? did he finally come to his senses and realize how much better than she was? she knew it was ridiculous but she couldnt help but feeling abandoned and hated, she saw her best friend Haily coming towards her with a smile on her face.  "Hey! guess what i heard!" Haily said

"what?!?" Elli replied sounding cheerful as usual

"from first to last is having a secret show!..bad news its sold out though.."

"oh my god guess what..Bryan got us tickets!!!!"

"Youre soooooo lucky lucky lucky, ugh you have all the luck"

"i know i cannot wait..i dont know how he got them but he did!"

"i think he must be magic with all he does for you, i mean wow, that kid lives for you"

"ha ha, i guess he does" Elli said forcing a laugh, did he really live for her, she felt selfish for excepting the tickets, she felt selfish for wasting his constant time, she probably seemed so needy and attention grabbing

"yeah, well i gota go to first class early today, but yeah...lucky..ha ha cya at lunch" Haily said

"yea..bye" replied Elli, with Haily gone Elli was alone with her thoughts, she didnt want to be so she turned on her cd player to listen to 'World War Me' god i luv this song she thought to herself...it actually seems like someone feels the same way as i do...

meanwhile Bryan was still asleep, those pills had really knocked him out good. his mom came to his room and burst through the door turning on his lights and yelling "Why the fuck arent you up yet?!?!"

he opened his eyes tiredly, his eyelids felt 10 times heavier than usual, "wha- ehh..wut time is it?" he asked

"time to get up, your late"

"ugh crap"

"hurry up, your not missing your first class", with that she left the room for him to get ready

   he tried getting out of bed, his whole body felt weak, the pills did not mix well with his nearly empty stomach and he was still extremly tired and hungry, he finally managed to stand up out of bed and as he did he felt dizzy and had to sit back down "ugh shit...took it too far again" he said outloud... "i never fucking learn" and he managed to get up and get dressed without taking a shower..hopefully nobody will notice, he thought, but who cares if they did, he didnt matter anyway, he was completly nothing exept to maybe Elli, she seemed to care..but she was probably doing fine without him at school.  even though his thoughts of Elli were sad the thought of her brought a smile to his face, if he was good for one thing it was being there for her

he slowly walked down the hall to the living room and out to the car and his mom followed, nagging him the entire time, once he got to school he got a bottle of water from a machine and headed to his first class without a pass, 45 minutes late.  maybe his mom would call him in to excuse him from class, probly not.

  at lunch Elli sat at her normal table with Haily and a few other friends, she had some fruit and a bottle of water "is that all your having?" Haily asked, "you didnt have anything yesterday either"

"i couldnt eat lunch for a few days cuz i dint have any money..i made up for it with big dinners" she lied  "but now i got money but my parents dont want me to waste it all on alot of food and fruits pretty cheap and i can refill the water.."

"oh...okay..."Haily said as Elli looked at her small amount of food

"soo, Yeah, i cannot wait til next monday!!!! im sooo excited!"

"i wish i could go, well, if u meet them get me an autograph okay, you better"

"ha ha of course i will! Bryan said that there allowing cameras for once too becuase it was a secret show...yea..i cant wait ahh yay!" Elli said excitedly, and she really couldnt wait, it was going to be soo fun.

   Bryan slept through most of his first 2 classes, during lunch he drank alot of water and threw up trying to get the pills and old pizza out of his system, then he downed some more water and headed to his next class, the whole period he felt miserable but kept a smile on his face most of the time.  his friend Matt was in his next class with him.  "hey are u coming to band practice tonight right?" Matt asked, every  tuesday since that summer they had been having band practice in Matts basement, Matt did vocals and guitar, their friend Jesse played drums and Bryan played bass and back up vocals with a skosh of screaming. "yeah duh, why wouldnt i?"

"i duno, just making sure."

"ok, well yea...cool"

"do you have any new stuff written yet?"  Bryan was the major lyrcist for the band and Matt had been pushing him to write more so they could practice new stuff, they had a battle of the bands coming up soon.

"umm..well not yet..see i have a life and a girlfriend and such so yea..." he replied jokingly, "but i'll try to get some stuff written by like...next week"

"ugh hurry up! we've been practicing the same stuff for weeks i know you have lyrics somewhere"

"yea yea, i know i know, i just want them to be perfect" he had tons of lyrics waiting to be sung, waiting to be heard but he thought they were too depressing to share with his friends, he didnt want to seem lik a pansy in front of them or anything yet he wanted them to be meaningful at the same time.

   After school Bryan went straight to Matts house for practice, "hey can i use you phone?" he asked

"yea sure" matt said handing it to him, Bryan went outside to call Elli, he waited as the phone rang once, twice, three times, "dammit pick up.." he said waiting, finally she answered

"hello?"

"hey..its Bryan.." he said

"yea i know, where were you..i missed you this morning..."

"oh, i just...i woke up a little late...i forgot to set my alarm clock, sorry.."

"no its fine.."

"ok good, how was ur day?"

"great, u?"

"great..but yea wer having band practice and stuff, wana come watch?"

"okay yea, i havnt watched you guys in a while, got any new songs?"

"a few..were gonna have some more soon though, Matts pusing for lyrics"

"okay..should i come over right now?"

"yea, we'll wait for you"

"ok..cya in a second."

"bye"

"bye" and they both hung up.  Bryan went downstairs to tell Matt and Jesse that she was coming to watch "so you mean we should be extra good so you girlfriend will love you" jesse teased

"yeah" answered laughing... "it all depends on this"

   10 minutes later Elli walked down the stairs, "hey guys" she said happily

"hey" they all replied in unison, nothing special from Bryan...didnt he love her any more?

"so what are you guys gonna open with tonight, what do i get to hear first?" she asked

"lets play the newest one guys" Bryan said...he screamed more than usual in this one and he really felt like screaming, he had a bad day and needed to get some of the anger out

"If living is the hardest part for you" Matt sang and paused, Bryan screamed,

"I'm not sure how to stop your endless doom", Bryan screamed halfway through Matts singing

"I wish I could end you sadness..." after that Bryan screamed the lyrics back while playing the gentle bassline.  the way he performed resembled his life, in his head he was screaming and angry but on the outside it was like a gentle calm bass line, nothing wrong in the world.

they finsihed the song, "amazing you guys, i really love it!" Elli cheered, she wished Bryan really could make her feel better all the time, did he write this about her, was she not hiding it enough? she didnt want him to worry about her.  Bryan hoped Elli didnt realize the song was to himself, he hoped that she would think nothing of the lyrics, they were just lyrics, they didnt have to mean anything, but they did, he wrote them to himself, he wished he could make himself feel better, he wished he could be as happy as Elli was, she was always so happy and cheerful, she was why he went to school, she was the reason he didnt take as many pills as he could have.

   They soon arrived to the small cafe and sat in the table in the back corner waiting to order their food.  A waitress approached their table and together they ordered a mini pizza to share.  They both picked at their food and only finished half of the small pizza before leaving, "do you want to bring some home?" Elli asked,

"nah, not really...im not really hungry, what about you?"

"i guess so...i guess my brother will want some"

"okay..well...we should probably go huh?"

"yeah i guess we should" they both paid half and left.

   Once at home Elli put the pizza in the fridge and went down to her room, no one was home.  She pulled out her notebook and began writing, she usually did this at the end of every day around 11 pm after her homework and everything else but she wanted to get it done with now, she was happy, she had a good day but she was dreadfully tired and felt sick, she had too much pizza it was the first time she had eaten in around 4 days, she really didnt want to but she didnt want Bryan to notice she wasnt eating, she wanted him to know as little about her depression as possible, why should he have to deal with her problems.  After writing Elli fell asleep right away without doing any homework. 

   Bryan got home and went to his room only to find his mom rummaging through his desk drawers, "what are you doing?" he asked lazily dropping his back pack to the ground and falling back onto his favorite chair next to his radio.  "the question should be what were YOU doing?" his mom asked as she continued going through his things

"umm..i was hanging out with Elli....like i always do..."

"you didnt call, what were you two doing, where were you?"

"i never call"he said shortly, "we were just at the cafe hanging out...why are you going through my stuff?"

"oh you mean you were actually eating for once or did you throw up after as usual? does she know your bulimic and anorexic, or is she too?"

"mom, im niether of those fucking things...and no shes not either, she wouldnt fucking do that she has no reason to, what are you doing with my stuff?"

"why are you so worried about me looking through your desk, is there somthing bad i might find?"

"not unless you call old notebooks, cds, and junk bad stuff, but you know, you might find all my drugs and beer in there because you know...i do that stuff" he said sarcastically.  sarcasm was his natural defense when he was pissed off or angry, he knew she wasnt going to find anything in his desk, he had better hiding places for pills, but it was still the issue that she was going through his things.

"i honestly wouldnt be suprised"

"so you dont plan on getting out any time soon do you?"

"nope. this room is in my house so i have the right to be in here as much as you."

"great..wutever." he said and turned on his radio, blasting Chiodos as he closed his eyes and tried to escape from his mom and room and himself.  he needed those pills he was hiding from his mom, right now especially, he clenched his fists and closed his eyes tighter hoping to dissapear.  no luck

"turn this crap off!" his mom ordered

"you dont have to be in here...you dont have to listen to it." he said trying to stay calm as the anger built up inside him, she had no right to tell him what to do, she had no right to tell him that he had an eating disorder she had no right to tell him he was stupid and she had no right to be in his room.

"no, you dont have to be in here, your lucky you have a roof over your head"

"yea yea i know...wutever." he turned off his radio and put the cd into his headphones blasting it loud enough to block out his mom and loud enough to hurt his ears, but he didnt turn it down, as long as he wasnt being complained at he was okay.

"miserable little..."his mom muttered and walked out of the room leaving the door wide open and all of his things laying around the room, "clean up this mess" she instructed.

as soon as he knew she would be occupied with something else he went to his closet and dug in the way back to an old box full of old books and clothes, in the bottom of the box was a small bottle of random pills, he didnt no what they all were, he didnt always know what the effects would be but anything was better than what he was currently feeling, he took 8 blue ones and fell into a deep sleep mintues later.

OKAY SOO im really rather bored and iv had 2 ideas for stories running on treadmills in my head for a while and iv decided im gonna start posting one on here becuase yea..then il actually write it, i must warn u, it may not be good AND i tend to start things and get really into them and then eventually get sick of it and dont know how to end it and that could be how this ends up but until then u can read it, the girl will be a mix of me and fictional things and the guy will be a mix of a few celeb guys u may recognize stuff er not who knows but thats not really important so yea...here it goes

Untitled(as of now) part 1.

----------------------------------------

   Elli woke up to the familar yet horribly annoying, high pitched beeping of her alarm clock, "Fuck I need a new one" was her immediate reaction, then it was on to hating waking up and the usual deal.  She stumbled out of bed and rushed across the room to turn it off, tripping on a stack of AP magazines knocking them across her floor, "shit" she muttered, now she would have to clean them up later or her mom would be pissed.  After taking a shower and getting dressed in the usual jeans and band shirt she put on her eyeliner hurridly and ran up the stairs to catch the bus.  As soon as she got on the bus she turned on her cd player and put her headphones on to block out the noise of loud groggy teenagers with the screaming angst of another, Sonny Moore.  She leaned back against the corner between the back of the seat and the wall of the bus, prepared for another long day at school.  For the fifteen minute bus ride with jerky stop go motion no one came to sit by her, no one talked to her, and no one bothered to glance at her.  No one saw her eyes watching her hands tapping rapidly or saw her scratching her wrist every few moments. 

  Simotaniously Bryan was getting ready for school, he woke up to his alarm clock blasting old My Chem stuff, he almost didnt get up becuase he would rather lay down and enjoy the music but he forced himself to get up and begin another day.  He got ready as usual and hurried out the door to the car, his mom drove him five minutes to school annoying him with boring details about her job and lecturing him about his dropping Biology grade.  She pulled up in front of the school and before the car was completly stopped he opened the door and stepped out, "bye" he said quickly and walked towards the front doors.

   "Hey!" Elli said running up and hugging Bryan from behind breaking his thoughtless stare of the hallway, "Hey, what's up?" he replied,

"eh, nothing much just another joyful morning, you?" 

 "pretty much the same, are you busy after school?"

"pft, no, why do you wanna walk around?"

"Yea, sure, I just dont wanna go home."

"Why not?"

"I never do, lets just meet here after school and walk around k so yeah, how are you? "

"ok sounds good, ugh i have a huge math test in a few minutes, totally unprepared."

"yeah..that sucks, wanna study for it, i can leave you alone" he offered

"nah, id rather hang out and do nothing like usual, i dont care as long as i pass"

"yeah"

by then the rest of their friends had appeared in the hallway talking with eachother, after the normal greetings and conversastions the bell rang and they hurried to their first class, "see ya after school" Bryan said to Elli as she turned in the opposite direction to fail a math test.

During study hall, third hour Elli asked for a bathroom pass and wandered to the bathroom furthest from her study hall room.  It was empty so she just stood there for a minute looking at her reflection in the mirror sadly, "ugh, i dont deserve Bryan" she whispered to herself about her best friend and somewhat boyfriend.  They were boyfriend-girlfriend somewhat, they didnt have the official title or assumed status and were more of best friends but they loved eachother the same, and they both knew it.  He was too good for her she thought, he was so fun and nice and caring....she was so..boring and depressed, she was probably just bringing him down.  She continued to stare at herself getting angrier at her ugly self until she had to look away, "i cant fucking do this" muttered and walked out of the room throught the lonely halls and back to study hall.  "took you long enough" said her friend Jannie she sat with during study hall,

"i know, i was just..wasting time you know, i ran into some people in the halls and stuff and we walked around"

"oh, cool...ugh i cant wait to get out of here, im finally leaving for chicago tonight" Jannie stated, she was going to chicago for a week with her cousin, missing 4 of 5 days of school

"lucky, i wish i could go, i need a break from school, but yeah, who doesnt."

"exactly ha ha yea.. well hopefully something intresting will happen and it wont be a boring waste of time money and gas"

"you know i heard about this store called WIG or somthing in a magazine, i heard they have some pretty cool stuff and theres usually famous people there.."

"at a Wig store?"

"no its just called WIG i think, i guess the owners are crazy er somthing"

"oh, ha ha, do you know where it is?"

"i duno i read about it online, i think its by the zoo and a walgreens, like behind a hard rock hotel er somthing, arent you staying in one anyway?"

"yeah, and the one im staying in is right by a zoo so...i guess i'll stop in there if i find it"

"cool, you should get me somthing, you know, since i'll be here bored while your out having fun."

"oh of course!"

the bell rang and they rushed to their next classes. The rest of Elli's classes went by quickly and she went to find Bryan. She waited at their meeting spot 3 minutes before he showed up, he was stuck in his last class, Biology, with his teacher lecturing him and threatining to call home again, all of what he said went right past Bryan as he nodded with each statement, acting as if he cared, so what if he was failing, just another thing wrong with his life.  "hey, ready to go?" he asked walking towards Elli,

"yep, what took you so long?"

"eh nothing, stupid teacher keeping me after about grades er somthing"

"oh that sucks"

"i guess, who cares though, sooo did you hear that From First To Last has their next record written already?"

"really? thats really quick, but cool i cant wait!"

"yea and actually i heard next week they're playing a secret show, suprisingly near here before they start recording and its only one of three, since you know, they cant do alot cuz of his throat being messed up and shit"

"Really, awww i really wana go now!"

"well..as you know i have some cash saved up and i kinda got us tickets!"

"really, your kidding!"

"Nope, i got em, me and you are going monday night, whether our parents like it our not"

"hells yeah we are, i cant wait, thank you soo much!" she exclaimed hugging him, as he hugged her back she thought more about how she really didnt deserve him, she didnt deserve to be going to see her favorite band and she didnt deserve to be hugging her wonderful boyfriend.  All he thought was how happy he was he could see her smile, her smile alone could make up for all of his sadness behind his fake smile.  Niether knew how horrible the other felt about themselves and were only happy thinking eachother were okay.  They stepped away from the hug and left the school to walk to a small near by resturaunt, a regular stop when they were out walking around as they usually did

   They walked holding hands to the resturaunt chatting about mostly music and some random stuff laughing and smiling the whole way, "FUCKING EMOS, GO HOME AND SLIT YOUR WRISTS!" a voice shouted from a passing car of 'preps'

"RIGHT A FUCKING WAY" Bryan shouted back, they were used to the stupid remarks of people at their school calling them emo even though they never acted depressed, the only reason they were called emo was becuase of the way they dressed, yea they wore band shirts and stuff from hot topic, big deal. They didnt even look like stereotypical emo's either which confused them, Bryan had a little boy hair cut style, but it was black so of course it was emo, along with his thick rimmed green glasses, Elli had dyed red hair with somewhat emo bangs and wore eyeliner.  Both acted as if the remark meant nothing and was ridiculous but on the inside both were thinking the same thing. it wasnt such a bad idea.

"

so iv been a fan of theirs for a while and i had alot of their songs from the first cd with sonny moore on it and a few from herione and yea...wow i got herione today and i listened to it and now im looking at the lyrics and stuff and i luv them more than ever before the lyrics are all fucking amazing, its lik shit this guy took my feelings and wrote them fucking down all cool like for example

The Latest Plague

World War Me

Shame Shame

Waves Goodbye

and of course

Waltz Moore

i think my new favorite is World War Me, yep i luv it sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

much yes.

the last day er so iv been feeling old fall out boy ish now im deffinetly in a heroine/fromfirsttolast mood yay

ok so im really bored bored bored and i kinda feel lik taking pictures(cuz thats wut i do wen im bored er trying to take my mind off shit becuase its easy to jus concentrate on taking a picture and yea, im bored and trying to take my mind of shit so yea) buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut my retarded brother took his camera back and mine dont wrk. grrrrr so yes im bored

iv decided that someday im going to sight seeing with brights brightly(my man pony) and take pictures of us with the famous things in our town..wich is actually only our cemetary..so...il jus take pics of us with stuff, lik water....and grass...and snow that would be intresting

HOLY SHIT DE JA VU RIGHT NOW

just thought id say that. you were right there, and i was right here, and he was over there and....

bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla

lasjfd;laskjfl;aksjflkasfdiajslkfjakfdaslkjfdlask;jfdlk;sajflaskjfdlksaflsa;jfdklsafdkimsofuckingunhappybutimnotgonnatalkaboutita;lkfdjalejrsflklfjaslfdlkasjfdlkasjfdlaksjfdlkasjfdlaksjfdlaksjfdlkasjfdlkasjflkasjflkasjfdlak;sjfljfdlkasjfdlaksjflaksjflsakjfdlasjflkajflsajflkasjflasjfdlkldkfjwaelrjdfoiewrjflkedf

ok yes, so i was counting how many poems i have written as of this day and its 74 poems and i have 4 others started but not finished just thought id tell u that becuase its sooooo important right yes. correct

iv been feeling old fall out boy ish lately...weird, i like it though ha ha i feel lik walking around damn curfew...damn not being able to walk around thats wut i feel lik doing yepps. yeppers. yeperdo. mhhmmm

bla bla bla so yes im bored, i just took a quiz thingy that said im most lik jd from scrubs, then elliot, okay...i guess thats right i really dont know

i did most of my homework, fun shit right, math is sooo important. ha ha actually i dint do it that much but i sposedly 'need sleep' so i might just be going to bed. yeah 30 hrs in 1 week isnt enuf i guess

booorrreeeeddd

ok so im super bored and taking a homework break even tho i hafta finish The Handmaids Tale by tomarow and i still have about 150 pages left(what fun) and if uv read that book(dont) you know that it is very screwed up, very perverted, and very dull, i would much rather read somthing else. too bad though. garadkfji;leajdflkjd;lkfldkfieieie

so last night i had an awesomely odd dream here it is:

i woke up in the middle of the night(in the dream) and went upstairs to the kitchen wer robert(my brother) was standing by the fridge and he whispered "bobs on our couch" i look over and bob bryar is laying on our couch, so im lik omg but i go back to bed and the next night i wake up round the same time and go upstairs and roberts by the fridge and hes lik "mikey is on our couch" and i look and theres mikey way sleeping on our couch so im lik omg i go back to sleep wake up again the next night get upstairs roberts lik "franks on our couch" but i go the other way around to see the couch and i see frank lying there all cute with his hands kinda by his face and his feet up on the pillows and im lik awwwwwwww and i take a picture tehn i  go back to sleep, when i wake up(in the dream) i wait becuase all of mcr is spos to come that day and hang out and i wait  and wait and wait and wait and then that part stops and im driving with my mom and my friend cassi to my friend stephanies house and thers a field/valley(that used to be there but is not anymore) and thers a little boy running through the tall grass and im lik mom who is that and shes lik "thats matt and stephanies lil brother, theyr family forgot about him so now he just runs in the field forever" and i suggested going down to see him but wen we got ther he was gone then i was back to waiting for mcr and i waited i went to sleep and woke up the next day and kept waiting and waiting and waiting then it changed to my dad teaching my brother sister and me how to steal trucks with magnetic paint(i haf no idea) and then it was back to waiting for mcr, i went to sleep woke up and the 2 cars we haf are in are living room in front of the door and its me robert and leah(my sister) waiting for mcr and we see ther tour bus pull up outside and wer lik omg ther here so i back the car up somehow and open the door and its our neighbors and ther lik "hey we rented a bus cuz wer goin roadtripping, can u feed our dog and make sure he keeps his cone on while wer gone" we slammed the door and kept waiting and waiting, went to sleep woke up waited some more and finally the tour bus pulled up and gerard and ray are walking towards the front steps and bob mikey and frank are following behind and then I WOKE UP and as i woke up i hear "bob will tell u wen your wrong" in franks voice

even tho i dint really meet them in the dream i miss the dream, my fave part was wen i woke up for real to frank saying that ha ha luvs him lots

yes. so.....i should get back to reading that weird, perverted, dull book, do yourself a favor and dont ever read it!

random thoughts that pass my mind

-i want a robot that poops playdough in fun shapes

-i hafnt listened to We Are Scientists in a long time..i want to...

-who decided that gold/diamonds etc was worth alot

-why does some stuff sound good and other stuff sound bad

-why is there a boy climbing a rope on my motion city hoodie

-what does illinois mean

-what does Walgreens mean

-unicorns could very well be the most dangerous warrior creatures of them all (their just horses with swords on their heads)

-there werent my favorite kind of cheez-its at sentry today so i got white chedder ones and they smelled like hot peppers...

-i really like cameras

-is chocolate syrup(like for ice cream) sposed to be refridgerated

-is Elliot a boy er girl name, theres eilliot the girl on scrubs and elliot the boy on law and order..i think it sounds better as a girls name cuz its kinda fruity for a guy

-why do ppl decorate trees around xmas...i dont get it

-why are sparkles so amazing

-make up and stickers and ponies and myspace.com

-what does .com stand for

-when i first heard of spongebob in 5th gradeish i thought it was the stupidist thing in the world and couldnt beleive ppl liked it...now i luv spongebob

-im on fire and now i think im ready to bust a move check it out im rockin steady to the beat in my head it goes oh oh oh oh i know that shes the only one id rather waste our time together yea cuz we can get down

-why does a smile mean happy and a frown mean sad

-why are alot of languages based off latin..wut makes latin so important

-i wish there wer mini dinosaurs ppl could have as pets, like the size of apples maybe...i would want one, i would probably buy one of them long neck ones

-i do a horrible british accent

-i dont understand why are school blocks websites that are fun wen sometimes in study hall they turn on the tv or ppl read magazines, how come that stuff isnt considered a waste of time

-tis the 3rd time iv heard this song in 2 days(the one that i dont knows name but thats lik "the cats and the cradel and the silver spoon little boy blue and the man on the moon wen u comin home dad i dont know when but wel be together then.." i luvs it) 1st time was in the car cuz my mom likes it(reminds her of my uncle and grandpa) 2nd on snl, they played it during a sketch bout a game show wear ppl try not to cry and it reminds justin timberlake of his dad and then right now on scrubs bcuz some guy found out his dad isnt his dad and his undad starts playing it

-bob bryar is amazing, i luv him even more after i met him, he is adorable wen he smiles a certin way lik kinda embarrased/shy/trying to hold a smile in type of smile, it makes me want to hug him

-i really want mountain dew right now

-i listened to Kelly Osbourne, Sleeping in the Nothing yesterday..i dont know why, but i did, i hadnt listened to it in forever b4 that tho

-from the headline isnt on purevolume i dont think..i wish they were tho

-why are slutty/stupid/skanky/untalanted celebrities looked up to by some ppl, i remember liking ppl lik hiliry duff and lindsey lohan wen i was younger but i never looked up to them

-i do however look up to gerard way, he is one of my heros

-some ppl want to be different..but really everyones the same in different ways....if that makes sense, which i think it does, cuz its lik..yea

-i hafnt listened to green day in a while

-is it really being myself if i hate who i am?

-i dont like tacos, or anything else like tacos

-i like stripes, ther pretty awesome

-mmm vampires(i dont know why i said that i was thinking of randomness and i thought mmmm vampires..i dont even think vampires are mmm, im not really a vampire person, i wrote some vampire thingy once(i had it posted on here forever ago but not any more because i deleted all of my poems and riding stuff))

-i really dont lik alec baldwin

-how do fros defy gravity so well

-i watched date movie the other day, it was pretty cool

-i dont know if i like the name damian

-i remember wanting a gameboy sooo bad and being sad i couldnt get one, and then wen i did i luved it for a while then i lost my fave rugrats game..5 years later i found it in the cushions in my grammas car(and sold it for $5 so i could buy stuff at the fob concert :)

-why do ppl eat meat(im not vegetarian or vegan or anything) i mean..why did ppl decide that ur spos to kill stuff and eat it, why is it ok to kill living things that are plants and not living things that are animals

-my class ring is really tight i prbly will get it resized but i lik it more than i thought

-a kid in poetry and novel really wanted to see my class ring the on thursday and friday but i dint haf it til after skewl friday...i wonder if he'll want to see it tomarrow..i dont know why he would in the first place he doesnt like me and thinks im stupid

-same kid from above i never used to think was mean but now i realize that hes been a stuck up smarty pants since 1st grade

-i like pencils better than pens

-wut makes emo pictures so emo....why is taking a pic of oneself considered emo in some cases

-i like mirror pictures ha ha yes.

-im a robin hood of words and sayings only sometimes am i the scientist of their creations

-there is no way someone can say they dont judge people, no matter how hard they try its inevitable, whether its seeing a girl dressed a certin way and thinking 'slut' or thinkings somones happy just becuase theyre smiling

-what is so great about being extrordinary...it only means that your extra ordinary, and who really wants that

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

if you thougt of ANYTHING ANY ONE THING when reading this whether it has to do with something i wrote or just anything random you thought while reading it no matter how off topic, wheather it be about me or the whether or castles comment me about it, im bored and want to know wut ur thinking...is that creepy i hope not

so yeah, if u got answers to my questions, state them and if u haf questions and i think i haf an answer il answer them too, because i mean comeon..im pretty fucking genius

so im going to write a lil journal thingymabober cuz im bored and dont want to sleep

well i was bored so i was thinking about how stupid reality shows are..then i came up with a good idea for a reality show, the should get all the really rich ppl(aka oprah, bill gates, throw dr phil in there even if hes not at big as those two, donald trump etc.) and they should put them in a tiny house lik one room with a bathroom, no kitchen er anything, and only a toilet in the bathroom then they should see wich one can stay ther the longest(food will be supplied to them each day so they dont starve) and then the last one in the place gets to take all the rest of theirs money and can own the moon. then the ppl that loose have to be eatten by maggots(Weather the maggots like it or not!!!)

i would watch it...ha ha yes.

also bored and i wonder why cross cut paper shredders can be really expensive..and why wen u type in paper shredder on kmarts website you get scissors, ha ha, iv been trying to find the cheapest paper shredder for the family gift xchange so i can buy my friends presents instead cuz i like them more

other ponder-ments omg...i just got one they should make Ponder-Mints..mints to eat while you ponder things, clever is the bored one.

also i hope 'santa' gets me the nightmare b4 xmas bedsheets even tho my mom doesnt like thm...but i wont get em but i duno,

that reminds me, my sister got new bed stuff so she had her old pillow in the basement and i was lik oo a flower so i picked it up and put it on my bed and its lik..the best pillow in the world and im lik why the fuck have ppl been depriving me of this wondefullness for so long, i luv this pillow and i will never give it back, it is the greastest pillow in the world, if i was homeless and could haf one thing to my name i would want it to be this pillow becuase it is very comfertable and tho small its the only pillow a person would ever want

who the fuck thought that rabbits have anything to do with easter? they dont lay eggs, so why do they deliver them, is the easter bunny a theif who steals from chickens and gives them to kids, thats rather ungood dont you think, thats why im saying we gota kill the easter bunny DEATH DEATH DEATH

ha ha.
this is now closed

i got back at 1:52 from the mcr concert, i will not go into much detail as i should be sleeping now. but i will say this

gerard is amazing obviously

aftwards mikey came out and we missed him, my friend nikki screamed "by mikey we miss u" a few minutes later he came back and i got his autograph, holy shit does he look like gerard and holy shit his voice is adorable...cutest thing he said "oh shit, i dint do that right" wen he wasnt paying attention during a picture, also hes lik "we gota redo that, i moved" we unfortunatly had not a camera

then frank came out and we wer lik aww frankie he is so soo tiny i just want to haf him and he was wearing that cool hoodie i like that he has thats lik brown with this cool black desing/pattern around it, and i hugged him and said he was amazing and got his autograph and we wer talkin to him and someone mentioned the famous last words video and he said THATS NOT IT thats not the final one, even tho it was viewed on tv in the UK its not the real video, he said that they are making a better one becuase gerard is a perfectionist and they want it to be perfect..cutest thing he did signed some guys shirt "Frank Mighty Mighty Bottles" i duno but it was cute

tee hee then we meet bob and im jus lik "can u sign this" hes lik yea, how r u(i was kinda shaking cuz i was freezing even with a jillion layers on) n im lik "im soo good that was amazing" and he did a lil smile thing and was lik "o thanks" and the cutest thing he did happened next he had the cutest lil smile almost kind of lik shy/embarrased looking that he has and his amazing blue eyes i was jus awwwwwwwww

ray was  already on the bus..we missed him:(

then comes the thing im not xtremely happy bout but i still luv gerard with all my heart he is still my hero and im proud to haf been in his presence at all he came out and started walking towards the bus...he dint say a word to his fans, not even hi, not even a wave, dint sign anything i dont even think he really looked up.....nothing...and he got on the bus.....

then lik right as he got on the bus one of the shades on the windows was pulled up, everyone waved as a goodbye and as everyone started waving someone(we think it was mikey) pulled it back down really fast...they wer doing somthin by  a tv

then they left and it was over amazing

ps. Both Mikey and Frank smelled like a mix between Baby Powder and Chlorine..odd yet i like it

pss. Rise Against dint meet anyone er anything but we saw ther bus leave and in the window there were stockings hanging, how cute is that...aww.

psss. I GOT FRANKIES PICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

damn school finally blocked buznet

i wont be on during the day ever

im bored so im leaving this lil jrnl for u

ok so a skosh ago i got back from the show at cornerstone(the church not the bar like i thought tee hee) and it was good, a guy from our skewl played, he was good he reminded erica of ryan from envy on the coast and nikki of ryan from envy on the cost and the guy from say anything..he reminded me of artclass cuz he was in my art class last year. so then some other bands played, purdy good purdy good and then finally And Then I Turned Seven came out and i was all yay! they only played a few songs and dint play my favorite Goodbye(I'm Sorry) or Nikki's favorite Hold On :(:(:( but it still rocked.  the singer was sick that was kinda bad too but yea during Head Spin they asked the crowd to sing, us and lik 2 other ppl out of the 30-40 ppl ther wer the only ones singing and ther lik "we lik that u guys over ther wer singing, that was good, we shoulda pulled u up here" tee hee luvs...then they were done and we met em and got r pics with the bass and guitar player, not the singer cuz he was sick, the other 2 band members dint show that loosers ha ha, yeah, well they had cool shirts and i wanted one but the only size they had was youth medium, fuck that id need to buy lik 3-4 of em n lik so em together to fit pft and that would end up being lik $28, plus id need to learn how to sew good...yes. well omg 2 days til mcr i totally cant fucking wait

ps. if u want to see pics from 2night i haf em posted :):)

p.s.s i almost kinda cried during Live by the Sword Die by the Sword, tis jus a sad song

k im super bored in study hall as usual, having a shitty day but at least tonight im prbly goin to a And Then I Turned Seven show, if my mom will still let me, hopefully she will

anyway tho iv had a shitty day so far and its only 12.23....yeah in health we watched some video bout kids being fat and stuff and some girl left the room sayin "i hate fat people, i cant stand em i gota go throw up" fuck her, wut a lil bitch.....

yea....i had such a fucking horrible weekend tho im so sick of all this shit, but yeah....i duno, and i wrote this really sucky really sad poem im not gonna post but yeah, i wrote it in a class and i kinda almost wanted to cry but of course, u cant cry and learn german at the same time.

right now the only thing that is making me happy is seeing mcr on wednesday, 2 days, and if somthin fucks that up lik i suddenly cant go i will die....it better fucking rock.....2night will prbly be fun, its a good band, but til lik 7 il b bored just doing nothing, il prbly sleep, i wana go to sleep right now yea...

ugh i feel like throwing up tho, i dont feel good at all

okay sooooooo erm yeah...im gonna go now

fuck scrubs is starting

ok i turned on the tv alls good

well im bored and have nothing to do(lately i cant just sit and do somthin unless im writing er somthin without falling asleep) soo im gonna tell u lil kids some music u may er may not haf heard of and u hafta go listen to it or i will step on u til u die, or il jus say, "ur missing out on some good music, why dont you listen to me" so yes. ther all on purevolume i think too so...u should go listen to em no excuses

okay here it goes in no particular order(ps..im not gonna list obvious stuff lik mcr cuz if u dont already listen to them...im sad for u)

okay list

Say Anything - Admit It! me luvs this, its not on purevolume but ther other stuff is, u need to hear this its wondeful

Patent Pending - This Cant Happen Again me super super luvs this!!!! all ther stuff is amazingly wonderful, and if u listen to Our Website is Under Construction or Cheer Up Emo Kid i will guess u wil luv them, and prbly laugh

Chiodos - The Words Best Friend Become Redefined this is the first song i heard by them and basically my fave of thers but the others r pretty good too, ijust reccomend this one as ther best

Roses are Red - Giving It All Tonight really really good, this is the only song i know by them so i wont say anything else for all i know ther stuff besides this could suck(but im sure it doesnt)

Men Women and Children - Dance in My BloodThey are sooo good, all of ther stuff is like jammed pack with noises of greatness...they almost haf that panic at the disco quality of having so much stuff goin on in ther songs only more so, ther really good and its upbeat so its lik yay happy, ther good i highly suggest them, plus ther super good live

Envy on the Coast - Green Eyes Dont Lieoohhhhh envy how i luv them my dears, ther wonderfullness and sexiness and beautifulsoundingness...yes

Nightmare of You - Dear Scene I wish I were Deaf  very good, this is my fave song by them, but the others r good too

Minutes to Far - Somthing you oughta Know ther good, its a nice song

Endless Hallway - Eels and Cold Baths u can listen to anything by them EXCEPT for the new demo for ur first endless hallway song if uv never listened to them b4, ther new demo doesnt do them justice but ther other stuff is good, maybe its just me, but they have a really unique sound and are very good

Ballentine - Tired of You ok sooo this isnt my fave song by them, i just forgot the name of my favorite by them, but its pretty good, ther not a GREAT AMAZING WONDERFUL band you'l fall in luv with(at least i dint) but theyr pretty good and not a waste of your time, its a girl singer but it kinda sounds lik a guy most of the time, the lyrics are nice tho

Less Than Jake -  Rest of my Life ok so...i know u may haf already heard of them but im just getting into them now and holy crap im in luv with ther music, ther lyics are so fucking great im not even kidding especilaly in this song and in Only Human, Overated(everything is) also is super good, but from the first two, the lyrics, they own your bedroom...haha

And Then I Turned Seven - Goodbye(I'm Sorry) these lyrics are soo sad and soo good and luv this song sooo much now even tho i just heard em for the first time today they are wonderful in every way and the music is really really really really good too, and its kinda slower indie stuff wich im usually not super duper into but sometimes i like, and this i like, go listen to them now now now, this song is wow

Scenes From a Movie - Save You this is a great great song, the music is very very very good, i highly reccomend this song, and i think the band name is cool so i would prbly reccomend them anyway jus cuz of the name but im not cuz this song his delightful

So that was my list, its not all of everything i luv er listen too, i listen to far more music than this and yes, i just got a skosh bored of writing stuff, i cant concentrate on anything lately so i cant do one thing for too long, like this, its gets boring, so yes, my word is law and my word says go listen listen listen!!!!! yes...ghar...ok...im gonna go now..wait one more thing

ok iv had emo comments thrown at me before, obviously, well today i got called emo and here are the almos xact wrds of why "You're emo because your shoes are vans with penguins on them, you have socks with dogs on them, and you wear pants that are black with white strips..you are a fucking douchbag emo"  pf..doesnt even no the right word for pinstrip pants wut a idiot...that person is xtremly annoying!!! ass.

ok now im gona go, like i said my word law my word says go listen to this music and go eat some mashed potatoes cuz ther good and make me happy

-Rhianna While Im Here(fun activity of the day : Find the equation for finding the volume of a heart...wtf?)

gr bored in study hall, the only friend i got in here isnt here so yea super boreder than usual, im gonna go read my new ap in a sec but i dont really feel like readin hey, shit yeah, i 4got i got a poem to post, i shall do that any moment now, it will be my first one in a while

gah did i mention im failing poetry n novel h with a F...yea..that sux, but wev only handed in one thing n i got 2/20 on it so...i guess thats pretty bad, but it was jus a reg assignment not anything important i hate mrs myrhe, a class i would prlby otherwise like she ruins

fuck her

yea...im gettin a D+ in math too. thats not good, i was ready to tell mrs popelka off wen she tol me i had 2 missing assignments but i dint cuz that wont make things better nothing will sooo yea shes retarded

fuck her

god im so bored and hate stuff

the other day in math too we hada do partner wrk n i hada be with this freshmen next to me

BITCH

i tried to wrk on it, even tho i dint understand it, i tried to iniate conversastion

she didnt say a word to me, not one, and then, she turned to talk to her friends saying how she was only haf finished cuz she hada do it alone and was lik yea, shed prbly rather draw skulls and satan on her homework(wich i wasnt! ther was drawing of the black parade skelton on a diff peice of paper is all)

so fuck her

ble..well im gonna go write that other poem in a jrnl k, go reads it,much more intresting than this

so sick of everything as i usually am lately stuff was ok a skosh for a while but yeah, hate it lots again

but eitherway there is a little point to this journal of joy i was jus gonna say im pissed at someone right now

at lunch they took out these pics of me and stuff n im lik ok so we wer lookin at em and stuff and they wer all jus goofy ones and stuff, u no just me being weird and then shes lik "ther silly and stuff but some of them are seriously really ugly" now usually i prlbly woulda jus said somthing like "well yeah, ther not spos to be glamerous i was messing around" but yeah, not today, someone has recently told me i had to stick up for myself in situations lik this even if ther spos to be my friends, and i realized hes right cuz yeah, if ther my friends ther spos to be nice to me right, so i said "wutever" got up and left, well kinda left i sat lik 5ish seats over so she couldnt xactly talk to me nemore, and i dint talk to her for the rest of the hour

i felt kinda bitchy and lik i made a big deal about it but grr she makes me so mad and i was having a shitty day so i wasnt gonna let her make it anyworse

was i really in the wrong for my bitchiness? i sure as hell hope not cuz that would just make this world a little worse.

-toodles and noodles

rhianna

ps. to those ppl who may enjoy my poems i duno wen il be posting more, i know its been a few days but i havent been writing lately, im too angry bout stuff and all of it is repetative anyway

Admit it!
Despite your pseudo-bohemian appearance
And vaguely leftist doctrine of beliefs
You know nothing about art or sex
That you couldn’t read in any trendy New York underground fashion magazine
Prototypical non-conformist
You are a vacuous soldier of the thrift store Gestapo
You adhere to a set of standards and tastes
That appear to be determined by an unseen panel of hipster judges (bullshit)
Giving a thumbs up or thumbs down to incoming and outgoing trends and styles of music and art
Go analog baby, you’re so post-modern
You’re diving face forward into a antiquated path
It’s disgusting, its offensive, don’t stick your nose up at me

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah
Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah

You spend your time sitting in circles with your friends
Pontificating to each other
Forever competing for that one moment of self-aggrandizing glory
In which you hog the intellectual spotlight
Holding dominion over the entire shallow pointless conversation
Oh, we’re not worthy
When you walk by a group of quote-unquote normal people
You chuckle to yourself patting yourself on the back as you scoff
It's the same superiority complex
Shared by the high school jocks who made your life a living hell
And makes you a slave to the competitive capitalist dogma
You spend every moment of your waking life bitching about

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah
And I say yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah

Cause I’m proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become
You’re free to whine, it will not get you far
I do just fine, my car and my guitar

Proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become
You’re free to whine, it will not get you far
I do just fine, my car and my guitar, yeah

Well let me tell you this, I am shamelessly self-involved
I spend hours in front of the mirror, making my hair elegantly disheveled
I worry about how this album will sell
Because I believe it will determine the amount of sex I will have in the future
I self medicate with drugs and alcohol to treat my extreme social anxiety

You are a faker (admit it)
You are a fraud (admit it)
Yeah, you’re living a lie (hey) living a lie (hey) you’re life is living a lie
You don’t impress me (admit it)
You don’t intimidate me (admit it)
Why don’t you bow down, get on the ground, walk this fucking plank (yeah!)

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah
And I say yeah (what do you..)

Proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become
You’re free to whine, it will not get you far
I do just fine, my car and my..
Guitar, guitar go!

I drift drift drift drift drift yeah
I drift drift drift drift drift yeah oh

And I am done with this
I wanna taste the breeze of every great city
My car and my guitar
My car and my guitar
So you'll come to be, made of these, urgent unfulfilled
Oh no no no no no
When I'm dead I'll rest
When I'm dead I'll rest way still
When I'm dead I'll rest, I'll rest
When I'm dead I'll rest, I'll rest
When I'm dead I'll rest, I'll rest
When I'm dead I'll rest, I'll rest
 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

i love those lyrics soo much